Alter Ego

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

[yellowssubmarine]

Tidak bisa tidur. Harusnya aku solat tahajud. Aku buka Tumblr dan menilik apa yang kutulis di tahun-tahun yang telah lalu.

Seperti rantai, aku kembali ke waktu-waktu itu. Gelap. Dingin. Meski di bawah terik dan terang Surabaya. Betapa jauh aku sudah berjalan di padang hidup ini. Kini aku sudah jauh.

Aku tengok juga apa yang ditulis teman-temanku. Jujur. Mentah. Tumblr adalah ruang gelap dan dingin tempat hati-hati sepi yang ingin kesepian dan berbisik.

Ada rasa pilu yang familiar, nyeri yang bersahabat. Membaca semua ini membuatku kembali ke pribadi itu. Aku menjadi aku. Sejauh apapun aku dari tempat itu, ternyata aku tetaplah aku.

Lagu ini terngiang begitu saja di kepalaku, walaupun aku tidak tahu artinya. Melodinya terasa masuk akal. Setelah kucari tahu artinya, ternyata juga masuk akal.

Anak dan suamiku sudah tidur. Malam diam. Ada pusaran emosi yang tidak bisa kujelaskan. Mungkin aku di masa itu sedang mencoba memanggilku. Ya, aku menjawabmu.

[yellowssubmarine]

I'm in a dark place. Please send a signal that you are still there. Any flicker. Any crunch. Any slit in my skin or even a punch.

[yellowssubmarine]

Imaginary conversation with my ex

You were my worst heartbreak.

Was it that bad?

Yes. You clearly know I needed a whole year, or even more, just to get over you.

I tried to reach out to you after we broke up. But you were difficult.

I know. We started off wrong. We never had anything to begin with. And when it was over, there was still nothing between us.

But when you were gone, I felt like I lost everything.

The whole relationship was nothing to you, but for me, you were the first person that ever made me felt like I owned something.

You were the first. I didn't know what to do, during and after we were together.

Yeah. I didn't know too. Really, I tried to make it up to you, but it was awkward.

I kinda understood your position, though. You were this highschool hearthrob--many girls liked you. And I was such a freak back then. You probably saw me as a mistake.

Sometimes I feel like we can be friends, in different circumstances.

Yeah, we shared same view about this world. If only we could start things off in different way, we might not date, but we could be friends.

If only.

I kinda blame you, in a way. For making those things happen. If only you didn't like me in the first place. I might have different life trajectory.

And you wouldn't lose anything, either way.

Is it too late to change things now?

You mean, start things off again just to see if we can be another way?

Yeah..

I don't think so.. If you asked me ten years ago, I would be more than happy to say yes.

No hard feeling, though. I wish you all the best in life, but things are different now.

Our path have parted away, and will not cross again.

Right.

Maybe.. maybe we're just not meant for each other.

Maybe.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

That is all I need to hear from you, after all of these years.

[yellowssubmarine]

Years after my not-so-bright highschool times, I am still the same big freak. Making mistakes, embarrassing myself.

Maybe this is the form of how my life manifested from a large series of unfortunate events.

I am still managed to survive, though. Managed to save some of my dignity. Collect people's respect piece by piece.

On nights like this, memories come hurdling. Those moments of me monkey-going on the spotlight bury me alive. O dear lord, how I want to go back and tell my self to shut up and go off the radar.

I hate myself sometimes. For not being normal. For not just sitting down and settled. Why can't I be those girls who make no fuss and get along with anyone? (Those girls hate me, by the way)

I wouldn't be this messed up if my life was easier. I swear to God, I wouldn't be. But I guess He's bored and He decided to stir some whirl at the sea where my existence floating. And it's ugly.

My chest is cold, and I suppose this will be going like this at least for a whole week.

[yellowssubmarine]

Been awhile since last time I wrote here.

Been awhile. Nothing much changed.

Actually, some things happened; I moved to the J-town. I got a job (a real one). I earn my own money. Buy things I couldn’t afford when I was jobless. I live by myself. Pretty much feeding my own mouth.

I enjoy my life here in Jakarta. Despite the boredom and pressure I get from work. I kinda like living here. Everything is provided. The city has so much to offer.

There are some times when I feel numb. Like I have less emotions and senses than I had when I was younger. Like what I had when I was in college. Those times, a slight wind, a small scratch would give me consciousness about my existence. Isn’t it funny that I could experience life more—feeling, sensing, seeing—when I had less resources?

But then one afternoon, on my way back from work, I saw a cat sleeping in a flower pot. It was the soft yellow-red kind of afternoon. I was walking in a small alley and there were electricity poles—I don’t know how to describe it, but those things, especially the poles, were the main view that I highlighted.

That view, that moment, brought me back to my old self. I listened to Fazerdaze – Shoulders. I started to contemplate. I became less pretentious since my graduation. I’m accepting myself. Still far away from self-actualization, but I feel that’s okay. I don’t want to rush.

And news flash: I engaged.

I love him. I really do. He is one of the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I know that one day I would love to spend my whole life with him.

But as I ever told myself (and my boyfriend and some of my friends), I want to go to a mountain, maybe Gede Pangrango, before I got married. I just want to have a serene ceremony with myself (and probably with Freli and Manun) to contemplate my youth, my life so far, and finally say goodbye. Because getting married means you have to torn yourself apart for the sake of other people. One day you would not be known as yourself. You would be someone’s wife/husband or someone’s mother/father. And one day you would sacrifice yourself-being for your partner or your children until there is nothing left of you. You would finally lose yourself completely. And that would be the reason that you are a good partner or parent.

I still have time. I will try to experience life as well as I can.

I don’t know if there is anyone reading this. But I hope you a good life.

[yellowssubmarine]

Seperti puisi, kukira manusia terbagi menjadi dua jenis yang sama: manusia mimbar dan manusia kamar.

Manusia mimbar adalah orang yang seperti lentera yang bertenaga. Pancaran mereka kuat dan orang-orang mengerubunginya seperti ngengat. Mereka agung dan seperti nabi yang mendapat wahyu dan mengabarkan kepada semua-mua tentang kebijaksanaan yang mereka dapat entah darimana. Mereka menyenangi hubungan dengan semua, dan mengiblatkan diri sebagai pusatnya. Jika suatu hari mereka mati, pekuburan mereka akan menjadi monumen dan orang-orang menuliskan memoar.

Manusia kamar adalah sebuah lilin kecil di ruang hampa. Mereka mengamati semesta melalui jendela satu-arah dan—walau begitu—kadang gugup jika ada sesuatu yang mendekatinya. Mereka memilih interaksi tak-langsung karena mereka merasa asing dengan gestur fisik. Benak mereka seperti benang kusut yang sebenarnya adalah simpul berpola. Tak ada gunanya menunjukkannya ke dunia luar, sebab orang-orang sok tahu akan berlomba-lomba menguraikan hanya untuk menambah piala.

Manusia kamar adalah sebuah lilin kecil di ruang gelap dan hampa. Barangkali ada seekor dua ekor semut di sudut yang tak dapat mereka lihat, diam-diam menghangatkan diri dengan cahaya kecil mereka.

Suatu hari lilin habis dan cahaya padam. Manusia kamar mati sendiri di ruang gelap dan hampa. Seekor dua ekor semut kedinginan dan mencari celah keluar.

[yellowssubmarine]

Pernah

Dulu di SMP aku pernah mengarang sebuah cerita. Tentang seorang gadis yang bertemu seorang anak laki-laki. Anak laki-laki itu sedang kesakitan dan si gadis membantunya mengambilkan obat. Lalu si anak laki-laki mengajaknya menghabiskan senja di sebuah jembatan dimana disana setiap malam langitnya selalu terlihat banyak bintang.

Mereka melewati lapangan rumput dimana capung-capung berterbangan. Matahari bersinar jingga keemasan. Senyum menggantikan wajah kesakitan si anak laki-laki. Kemudian di jembatan mereka melihat langit penuh bintang.

Gadis itu tidak pernah mengalami sore yang seindah itu sebelumnya.

Keesokan harinya di sekolah tersiar kabar bahwa seorang anak laki-laki dari sebuah kelas meninggal.

Si anak laki-laki meninggal karena sakitnya.

Seorang gadis dan anak laki-laki hanya bertemu sekali. Seorang gadis dan anak laki-laki hanya menghabiskan sore bersama-sama sekali.

Seandainya gadis itu tidak melewati tempat dimana anak laki-laki itu berada, Seandainya anak laki-laki itu tidak berhenti di tempat dia merasa kesakitan,

Jalan mereka tidak akan bersimpangan

Garis nasib mereka akan menjadi dua garis yang saling menjauh

Ketika tersiar kabar kematian itu, si gadis akan mendengar sambil lalu karena kematian seorang anak laki-laki yang tidak pernah dia temui tidak akan mempengaruhinya apa-apa

Tapi mereka pernah bertemu, walaupun hanya sesingkat sore keemasan yang mereka lalui bersama

Kini garis mereka adalah dua garis yang pernah berpotongan dan kemudian saling menjauh

Ketika tersiar kabar kematian itu, bagi si gadis si anak laki-laki itu bukan hanya seorang anak laki-laki tanpa nama.

Si gadis telah memberikan satu sore harinya. Si anak laki-laki memberikan kenangan untuk disimpan selama sisa hidupnya.

[yellowssubmarine]

Green Day - Revolution Radio #collageart #digitalcollage #digitalcollageart #greenday #revolutionradio

[yellowssubmarine]

Finland Turned Its Diverse Gene Pool Into Heavy Metal Music for Its 100th Birthday

Talk about extreme.

That’s it. I’m going to Finland. Even if I die of the cold, bury me in their snow.

First of all, this is a really good tourism campaign concept. It gives us a great depiction of how Finns uniquely live their lives, based on their diverse gene pool and the nature they are blessed with. And the music by that Apocalyptica band is really elegant. Doesn’t sound commercial whatsoever.

[yellowssubmarine]

I am actually aspired to live a simple life where I can read books, make arts. My house would be small, with a lot of plants I’d water every afternoon. Not too bright in the day, not too dark in the night.

[yellowssubmarine]

Saya tidak tahu bagaimana menyikapi atau memaknai kepergian saya dari kota ini. Segalanya tampak biasa saja. Saya sendiri merasa segala sesuatunya memang harus berjalan seperti biasa, meskipun ada beberapa perasaan dan pertanyaan. Beberapa jam sebelum keberangkatan saya ini, saya mengepak barang-barang sambil mendengarkan Green Day - Good Riddance.

Barangkali tidak perlu mengucapkan selamat tinggal pada sesuatu yang tidak merasa kehilangan.

[yellowssubmarine]

Dari pantai keempat, sedu penghabisan bisa terdekap

[yellowssubmarine]

You know if this is time to go

when there is nothing left for you

[yellowssubmarine]

[yellowssubmarine]

Surabaya adalah kenangan dan pelajaran.

[mappingthexfiles]

[yellowssubmarine]

you cried it out just to see if anyone can hear you. but isn’t it frustrating to hear the echo? isn’t it devastating to know you are living inside a wall?