the daily shenanigans of semi-supervised band kids

[yes-that-happened]

hello!

hi everyone!

this is exactly what you think it is, quotes from my band. everything in here was indeed said out loud in class (though possible paraphrased) and i'm not making things up.

the person who moderates this (me!) is a clarinet player, and i'm actually in quite a bit of these quotes.

i'll update this as we go along, but i thought it would be neat to post some of the happenings from my band class.

names, for anonymity's sake, will be censored and put between 'brackets', basically these: <>

for example, when i want to talk about a certain trumpet, i might do this: <TRUMPET 1>

the names will always correspond to the same person, so any time i'm talking about that one trumpet, i'll call him <TRUMPET 1>

our band director will just be under 'director'

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DIRECTOR: now we do my favorite part, working on the little parts

<TRUMPET 3>: you say that, but it’s actually making us all bored

DIRECTOR: my favorite part, making <TRUMPET 2> bored

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DIRECTOR: you make the chainsaws less chainsaw-y, like nerf chainsaws

<EUPHONIUM>: what about a nerf nuke

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4/5/22

director: i really wish we had a french horn here. anyone who plays that is allowed to shred on the horn.

<TRUMPET 3>: remember <FRENCH HORN 1>? she would blast on the french horn

director: [scoff] yeah i remember <FRENCH HORN 1>. i remember how she would spit gum onto the floor

<FLUTE 1>: oh yeah, <FRENCH HORN 1> used to drink ink in the fourth grade! i sat by her

director: well that explains a lot

[yes-that-happened]

4/5/22

<CLARINET 1>: what’s your opinion on kazoos?

director: [unimpressed face]

director: what’s your opinion on terrorism?

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4/5/22

director: be loud, be obnoxiously loud

director: channel your inner <SAXOPHONE 3>

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CHOIR KID: [walks past <CLARINET 4> and DIRECTOR singing sweet caroline]

<CLARINET 4>: that’s the whitest song ever

DIRECTOR: you know, <CLARINET 4>, we’re actually playing that song in jaz band. what are you trying to say

<CLARINET 4>: that you’re white

DIRECTOR: yeah

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<FLUTE 2>: [holding a cake and a gift bag] hAPPY BirtHDAY

<FLUTE 1>: THANK YOU

<FLUTE 2>: [hyperventilating]

<FLUTE 1>: in for four, out for four

<FLUTE 1 + FLUTE 2>: [intense eye contact]

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SAXOPHONE SECTION: [tuning]

<FLUTE 2>: —and then my face blows up like a pufferfish!!

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DIRECTOR: okay, everybody at measure 13. it’ll give the saxophones another chance to do it right this time

SAXOPHONE SECTION: hEY

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<CLARINET 3>: [starts playing a beat early]

<SAXOPHONE 2>: <CLARINET 2>!!!

<CLARINET 2>: what! that wasn’t me

<CLARINET 1>: yeah, no, that was <CLARINET 3>

<CLARINET 3>: no— no that wasn’t me

<CLARINET 1>: wait actually yeah that was <CLARINET 2>

DIRECTOR: [forlornly] misclick

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DIRECTOR: oh yeah, we need to tune the <PERC 2>

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<PERC 1>: mr. DIRECTOR, do you smell coffee?

DIRECTOR: do i smoke coffee??

PERCUSSION SECTION: do you smell coffee

<TRUMPET 1>: [affronted] mr. DIRECTOR, what are you thinking of?

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DIRECTOR: <SAXOPHONE 2>, we talked about this, you have a representation to up hold

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<FLUTE 2>: girls have insecurities

director: <FLUTE 2>, you know men get insecure too right? we compare ourselves to each other. why else would I go to the gym 6 days a week?

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<SAXOPHONE 2>: [choking on mouthpiece]

director: please don’t do this in front of the other schools at the festival

<CLARINET 1>: do it in front of the others schools, they’ll respect you

<OBOE>: you’ll intimidate them

director: <SAXOPHONE 2>, you have a reputation to uphold as the honor band saxophone section leader

<TRUMPET 3>: <SAXOPHONE 2>, you’re the COOL honor band saxophone, not the RULE FOLLOWING honor band saxophone

[yes-that-happened]

director: that was pretty good. what can we improve on, what can we do better?

<TRUMPET 3>: get rid of <SAXOPHONE 2>

<CLARINET 2>: yeah let’s get rid of <SAXOPHONE 2>