Go away

I rant about how I feel and what happens in my life.

[yesterdaysmonth]

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to figure out myself. Every day I wake up, I realize what I’ve done wrong and how I’m doing nothing to make it better.

What a fucking loser.

[yesterdaysmonth]

I miss some of the friendships I used to have. Then I remember I'm a terrible person deep down and I'm glad that those I once called friends are no longer my friends. Everything works out for the best in the end.

God, I'm so fucking stupid. Christ.

[yesterdaysmonth]

How you going to do me like that?

Damn.

[yesterdaysmonth]

Got to remember what's good and what's not good. Who's right and who's not right. Why it happened and why it didn't happen. How it's going and how it isn't going.

I wonder how I can get out of this cycle where I'm so content with my life and unable (probably more unwilling) to change.

[yesterdaysmonth]

Well shit, ain't that a bitch?

[yesterdaysmonth]

I feel so useless.

[yesterdaysmonth]

We're all susceptible to our fears; our feelings; our yearnings; our dreams. Each and everyone one of those will make you or break you. But there's the thought in the back of your mind that it'll possibly drive you insane, wondering when something good or something bad will happen. We need to take that leap into the unknown but we're comfortable where we're at. We become complacent. We all have demons and angels in our lives that push us away or towards our goals. We all fall down and (eventually) get up, brush ourselves off, and try again. Or, realistically, life shows us that chasing what we thought we wanted as a kid is all a facade and that life doesn't wait for anyone. At any moment in time, we can win big or lose it all. Just like that: in the blink of an eye -- the snap of ones fingers. Fuck.

[yesterdaysmonth]

I feel like all I do is whine and complain but do nothing to make strides for change. I'm so lazy and unmotivated that it drives me crazy, and yet, here I am, another day gone by where I haven't done anything to make my current position better and future brighter. I'll be damned if it isn't psychological but it's probably another one of my excuses to shift the blame away from me (ironically, I'm pointing the finger away from me to my mental state). When will I change? Only God knows. But I need to make the first steps and I know what they are (or so I think I do) but I'm scared; timid; afraid; hesitant; content. *sigh*

[yesterdaysmonth]

Sorry I wasn’t more of a presence in your life. You were such a presence in mine and impacted me in ways that I can’t describe in any lifetime. I’ll miss you forever. Hope to see you again one day.

[yesterdaysmonth]

I'm fucking drowning here

[yesterdaysmonth]

?

Ah I'm going crazy. There's so much I fear about my future and what I should do. Making decisions has never been my forte; helping others make decisions for themselves has always been easier. One of the people I used to tell everything won't talk to me anymore. 99% my fault, 1% because I fucked it up, so 100% I ruined that friendship. There's times (basically everyday) where I just want to cut off all communication and just go about my life but I can't. A few people who would question my decision and wouldn't leave me alone. I just want to be left alone and be secluded. My best friend and main confidant has become my cigarettes. What the hell am I doing?