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[they/them] 22yo and autistic. Just trying figuring out my life and who I am. This is (mostly) a vent blog about my mental (not existing) health

[ykidwithautism]

This blog comes with a Trigger Warning

I use this blog to vent about everything that's on my mind and mostly this is about stuff I don't want people around me to know about. So the whole purpose of this blog is to help myself with describing my thoughts and feelings and to hopefully calm down bad thoughts a bit...

Please take care of yourself and don't scroll through this blog if you aren't in the right state of mind for the following subjects: disordered eating, suicidal thoughts, depression, intrusive thoughts, (thoughts about) bringing harm to oneself, ableism, bullying, trauma... etc

So no, this is not a fun place and I absolutely hated to make that list but please stay save y'all and take care.

(if u think u know me irl.. DNI)

[ykidwithautism]

always too much and never enough

[ykidwithautism]

am I sick enough even tho I have kept quiet, am I sick enough even tho I don’t act on all the dark thoughts in my brain that are so loud, am I sick enough even tho I don’t act even when I can feel the burning sensation when thinking about it, an itch that never leaves me, do it do it do it do it do it do it but I don’t. am I sick enough for it to matter

[ykidwithautism]

am I sick enough

[puppiegracie]

at some point depression is just embarrassing like hey yeah I've wanted to kill myself since I was Seven Years Old idk I guess I'm procrastinating yes I am Still Depressed god just put me down like a sick dog why don't you

[becherdireinen]

nobody talks about how exhausting it is to live in that space between "things will get better" and "i can't handle this anymore." it's like your emotions are constantly swinging. leaving you both hopeful and defeated in the same day.

[ykidwithautism]

i feel like nothing is allowed to matter, idk how to explain

how does one live life. I feel like

every moment that is nice feels like a betrayal. I’m not allowed to have nice moments and what’s the point of it any way.

i want to focus on all the small good things but whenever I do it’s followed by such a heavy feeling of helplessness

I feel like I never was allowed to exist and now I am nothing and I need to learn who I am and how to live but at the same time I feel like it’s not allowed, that I’m not supposed to.

And I think that’s just the thing about growing up with depression I just don’t know why and how and idk how other people are doing this

everything feels so conflicting yk

And I wanna write more about it but the words get stuck or I just end up repeating myself again and again

I always return to that. again and again

[ykidwithautism]

tired tired tired

again again again

for how much longer

[ykidwithautism]

maybe I do have a very bad self-esteem but I have pushed it away bc in order to survive I couldn’t afford to have that take over but just bc I ignored it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. bc I don’t hate myself bc I’m not allowed to think about myself like that but maybe I actually can’t stand myself and my brain still has a hard time believing people truly care about me but that’s another thought I just keep pushing away bc idk what to do with that.

and I don’t allow other people to talk me down. so out of spite I need to stand up for myself. but maybe that’s more bc of my own principles (no ableism allowed or talking me down or anything like that whatever) and not bc I feel about myself like that.

but also I don’t hate myself, but I’m also tired of myself so I just really don’t know

and I think I’m now in part of recovery where maybe there is opening up space for this part, idk

[ykidwithautism]

there is so much in my brain but my brain is also protecting me from it so I am unable to fully reach the thoughts I need to? Like it’s there. in a way it’s acutely driving me insane. But I can’t. Get to the thoughts clear enough to be able to talk about it.

My brain pushes it back. Writing typing speaking I just can’t

It’s so frustrating

[ykidwithautism]

60 more years .. the hell

[ykidwithautism]

For the most part I have accepted that I have very little energy and that even small activities cost me much more energy than it would cost the average person.

And for the most part, most of the time, I am okay with that. I do not compare myself with others. And I’m not worth less because I can do less.

But sometimes it makes me sad. And sometimes I just feel lost. Left behind even tho I’m walking my own path.

And then I wish I wasn’t so tired all the time. Beside the required work and appointments I have in a week, I have barely to no energy left to do or enjoy an activity that’s just for fun.

Or I see people who need to do the same work as I and it’s just a part of their morning and they have tons of other things planned that day. But for me it takes up the whole day energy wise. And sometimes also the next day to recover again.

Again, most of the time I’m okay with it, I have accepted it. But it also makes me sad from time to time.

[autistic-af]

Me: *to my therapist* I had the spoons, so I did heaps of stuff and now I'm so exhausted I feel sick.

My Therapist: This is where you got to treat spoons like cash. Just because you have them, you need to figure out if you have enough to spend, or else you're going to be in debt. Remember, you're autistic, so you regain those spoons slowly and use them quickly. Everything, good and bad, uses that cash for you. You may enjoy the activity but it's going to exhaust you just as much as a bad activity if you're not careful.

Me: Goddamnit....

[ykidwithautism]

reminder for myself since I’m having all focus on trying to find a balance and take enough rest time

this is very important and something I need to set boundaries for

nod nod

[ykidwithautism]

soooooooooooooo sooooooo tired

[ykidwithautism]

Growing up with depression and having to deal with everyone around you saying how the feeling will pass, how every teenager struggles bc you are growing up and changing etc. No one takes it seriously.

It’s knowing that no, you really are not okay, but the small moments you try to ask for help the adults around you will make up excuses and act like it’s no big deal.

And then it’s surviving year after year, leaving high school behind, seeing people your age moving on, buy houses, get engaged, find a nice job and just build up there life etc. But you, you are stuck. Because your depression wasn’t a “phase” like all the adults around you would try to make it look like. You are still depressed. Sick.

I am not able to put it into words the way I want to rn. But it’s just, a feeling of grief? Maybe?

But also the realization of no it didn’t get better. Yes some things did get better. But I didn’t. I am still depressed. Everyday is a day too much. Everyday is a fight. And everything I do, yes even the things that are nice and beautiful, everything feels pointless.

And that’s what scares me. I feel like I’m slowly losing those moments of hope. I don’t think depression will ever leave me bc it has always been here. My brain is just sick. But it’s so scary noticing that those things that used to bring me peace now get followed up with this feeling of pointlessness. Like yes I had fun but why does it matter.

I need to bring this up with my therapist and before I had no problem bringing this up shortly but for some reason I feel scared to bring it up now, I say some reason but I know the reason. It’s the fear of rejection. The fear of being told that I cannot be helped and will just end up alone again. And my therapist is really nice and cool and I really don’t think she would do that. But that doesn’t take away the fear. But I know I should bring it up. But my brain just shuts down.

I have always lived with depression but somehow it still gets worse and more difficult to stay hopeful for quieter times.

[ykidwithautism]

its just me

me and depression

trapped in a room together

a room I can’t leave

and I feel defeated as I am just standing here, trapped, staring at it, feeling lost

no where to go

just me and depression

[ykidwithautism]

It’s just always gonna be like this

Idk for years I’m like it will get better and I kept motivating myself, hope that it will get better, put trust in people and situations… and for what. Bc at this point. I don’t think it will ever get better. I don’t think it will. I can keep myself alive probably but I don’t think I’ll ever want really want to be.

Even when I do have a moment that I think, oh this is nice, this is something a enjoy… at the same time I’m also still feeling like it’s so so incredibly pointless.

People be saying “I forgot this was the whole point” but whenever I have those moments I just feel exhaustion and tired of still having to live and it won’t stop and I’m not even halfway in life?? I do not want this. I am so tired of everything