[ylaizagayle]

i lied.

i want flowers

i want handwritten letters

i want random and scheduled dates

i want a love meant only for me

i want someone waiting for me at the end of the day

i want the kind of love that stays

the kind that leads to promises

to engagement rings

to marriage

to growing old beside the person

i never have to miss from afar.

[ylaizagayle]

the uninvited guest

today, i woke up from my afternoon nap. i glanced at the clock it was already past 6 p.m. and realized i was alone. the only sounds were the steady hum of the electric fan and the faint shouts and laughter from outside. the hallway light spilled through the window from our living room and with it came an uninvited guest, Sadness.

it’s funny how i cried over something as simple as choosing what to eat for dinner. it wasn’t that i didn’t know what to eat, it was that I didn’t want to eat alone tonight.

i told my boyfriend to come home. of course, i know it’s impossible cos we’re 8,000+ miles apart. but somehow, just the thought of him being here feels like it could wash the sadness away.

i don’t mind being alone. in fact, I like it most days. but sometimes, sadness hits without warning, and all you can do is let it in for a while.

[ylaizagayle]

if God blesses me a child someday, i won’t mind if she’s maarte — as long as she doesn’t throw tantrums when things don’t go her way, like I did growing up 😭

[ylaizagayle]

we stopped showing up in each other’s stories long before we noticed.

isn't it weird that before, we used to talk to every day—about how our day went, what made us happy, sad, and grumpy. those random “are you busy?” questions always followed by “let's g!” answers.

then our paths crossed again. i only realized then, that it’s been months… or years? there are no more updates, random "san ka?" and "tara!". it turns out that we haven't been part of each other's stories anymore.

you're no longer the first person i think of tagging in relatable posts or even messaging when i have a story to share. likewise, i am no longer your go-to person anymore. none of us noticed when everything started to become quiet.

i didn’t know what happened between us. maybe that's just how life is—people are not meant to stay in our lives forever.

we outgrew each other and took different paths. there's no argument, we didn't have any problems, but something was lost.

[ylaizagayle]

i need a distraction.

the urge to pull my hair is back again. i thought graduate na ko pero andito na naman ako. it started when i saw my workmate pulling her hair. nainggit ako tapos nag tuloy tuloy na. hindi ko na mabilamg kung ilang buhok na naman ang nabunot ko. i know the consequences of my actions but i can’t help it 🥲 please if na experience nyo ‘to before, what did you do para mag stop.

[ylaizagayle]

the [not so] reunion

yesterday, my former colleagues at work and i had a mini reunion. but it was a sad one. we met in the wake of our former workmate/friend. it was so sudden. i remembered seeing him last year, still in his jolly personality. i didn’t know that he was going through something.. i didn’t know that that will be the last time i’ll be seeing him.

grabe, life’s so unpredictable. one day you’re fine, the next day, you’re gone. one thing i realized is that you need to cherish every second of your life because you will never know what will happen next.

i hope you lived a good life, AJ. rest in paradise 🕊️

[ylaizagayle]

5/31

I can’t believe I don’t have breakdowns this month. Hindi ako sanay. Maybe I got used to it na that’s why my body has been searching for it. I’m glad tho. Ang tagal kong inantay na hindi na ‘ko atakehin ng anxieties ko. Jan-April were the worst. Ang daming beses na hiniling ko na sana mawala na lang ako because I can’t take it anymore. But God has better plans for me. Thank You 💛

I’m proud of you, self! 🥲

[ylaizagayle]

I sent a tiktok video to my boyfriend and asked him to choose which characters in that video reminds him of me. He said I was Dory because I always forget things especially the house key 🥲 but he added, he reminds him of me as Belle from Beauty & the Beast, too 🥰

[juansendizon]

“I’m going to love you better at your darkest, the Earth said to the moon. For after all this time, I’ve seen you as whole anyway.”

— Juansen Dizon

[ylaizagayle]

So I was having anxiety attacks earlier this morning. I’m on the verge of breaking down pero ang daming ganap sa office kaya hindi ako nakahanap ng time para umiyak chos. I was having a rough day—actually for a few weeks na pala. Like what I’ve said, feeling ko inefficient na ko. Feeling ko hindi ko na nagagawa ng tama mga trabaho ko. But this guy right here never fails to cheer me up and assures me na kaya ko. Kapag feeling ko wala na akong silbi, he’s there to remind me of my worth. Lord, thank You for having him in my life. It’s so refreshing to have him by my side.

To my ka-chismis, bestfriend & my love, thank you for today and everyday. I appreciate you 💕

[ylaizagayle]

Life lately

Work. Been busy for the past weeks. So much work to do. I still have a lot of pending compliances. Ugh & some workmates are still annoying.

School. Almost done with my Civ Personnel Basic Schooling at work. Still waiting for my final grade tho. But my outputs & short exam results were quite good. Hoping for good results!

Moreover, first sem of my Masters already started last Saturday. My first class starts at 7:30am wew am not really a morning person so this is a challenge for me. Good thing is, classes are still online due to the pandemic. I don’t need to go to school lol

Lovelife. We’ll be celebrating our 1st anniv next month! Can’t believe it. Lol days passed by so quickly. Sadly, we cannot celebrate it together since he’s out of the country for work and will be coming back next year. Missing him so much 🤍

Life in general. Mental health’s not doing good. I’m feeling restless and more anxious lately. I also miss my parents so much! It’s been almost 10 months since I last saw them. My lola also keeps on asking us when are we going home and visit her huhu Damn you, COVID. You stole a lot of things from us already. I can’t wait to go home and for this pandemic to be over already.

[thoughtkick]

“That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.”

— Deb Caletti

[ylaizagayle]

Cried for 3 hrs straight last night (midnight). Slept at 5am. Hello, puffy eyes. Girl, what are you doing with your life? Good thing wala akong pasok sa office ngayon but I have online classes so I woke up early pa rin. I wish masurvive ko this day. Gusto ko na matulog.

[beautanol]

I find the concept of growing in love so much prettier than love at first sight?? like one day you look at someone and you suddenly realize you see them in a different light than you did the night before. that’s falling.

[violet-fields-deactivated202106]

Ho ho ho hold me cuz I’m falling apart

[ylaizagayle]

10AM thoughts

I don’t know if I still like doing my job or I’m just doing it because na nag-e-earn ako. When the pandemic started, mas lalong nawalan ako ng will to work. I became restless, anxious and frustrated.

Working with toxic people in this time of pandemic is not really good my entire health.

[ylaizagayle]

a tight hug from my special someone would mean so much right now :(