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post-june reflecting on my relationship to my sexuality, after 6 years of identifying as a lesbian and predominantly out to the people in my life (still not my dad yet). looking back, while i enjoyed straight romances in media (bc i enjoy romance in general), hetero kissing scenes never made me feel turned on—certainly not close to the degree that i’ve felt watching two women kiss on screen 😬

[yllo-line]

for a hot second, i am here, back on my bullshit (ie music videos where someone dances thru the entire song)

[yllo-line]

here it is, Sinister Beats, PART II—with just a few days to spare, i finished the second installment before my self-imposed halloween deadline. enjoy! run time: 2 hours, 14 minutes; 32 songs track list: 1. "Bend Your Mind" by Elysian Fields 2. "Criminal" by Fiona Apple 3. "Romance Is Blood on The Thorn" by Kidä 4. "All I Wanna Do" by Clara La San 5. "Backrooms at 8:55pm" by BABii, Iglooghost, Warpstr, Pholo 6. "Yeah Me" by Summore 7. "Feel" by MOTHERMARY, HERO 8. "So Long" by Summore 9. "Speed and Violence" by Silent Servant 10. "Come Closer" by Boy Harsher 11. "Let the Sky Burn (Silent Servant Remix)" by Youth Code, Silent Servant 12. "Annihilation of Pejite" by Joe Hisaishi 13. "Pulser" by Riki 14. "Boadicea" by Enya 15. "Key Movement" by Puracane 16. "Only You - Roseland NYC Live" by Portishead 17. "Stoned to Say the Least" by Saint Etienne 18. "Enjoy the Silence - Bass Line" by Depeche Mode 19. "Tommy" by Fcukers 20. "Get It" by Tensnake 21. "Can't Get Blue Monday out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue 22. "Hella Good" by No Doubt 23. "Wave" by Technotronic 24. "Obsession" by Nite Jewel 25. "Things You Didn't Know" by Clara La San 26. "Blessed" by Smerz 27. "Because" by Smerz 28. "Imagine this" by Smerz 29. "Shut Off / Curl Up" by Laika 30. "Roll the dice" by Smerz 31. "Sword and Rose Forever" by Avalon Emerson 32. "Come Inside" by Riki

[yllo-line]

working on a Sinister Beats, PART II i whipped up some cover art at the library and on my way home, riding the subway, standing, i awkwardly endured a lady preaching tenaciously from the seat immediately to my left; i was unwilling to pause "criminal" by fiona apple to listen further.

[yllo-line]

08.2025, hair update: decided i’m gonna keep the side half-bangs ✌🏻 they’re long enough that they kinda blend into the sides of my hair while also framing my forehead and suiting the shape of my naturally high hairline. now i just gotta learn how (and often) to trim them, as i’d been cutting my bangs super-straight for a decade—i’ll probably make some mistakes, but hopefully nothing unforgivably wonky 😮

[yllo-line]

my stepdad once told me i look better without my glasses on—he seemed to think it was his duty to tell me this, because “your dad won’t be the one to say it,” never mind the fact that i wasn’t asking for a man’s perspective (or anyone’s for that matter). it’s almost a backhanded compliment to say. i roll my eyes at the old fashioned idea that women are prettier without glasses—they’re functional accessories, and like any well-chosen accessory, they can compliment someone’s look with minimal effort. are they really that much of an obstacle?

but i will admit that growing out my bangs has begun to change the way i look at my face and my natural hair texture (which i’ve been fighting against for the majority of my teenage and adult life). in trying to simplify my beauty routine, i discovered that, while i have no immediate plans to wear contacts, i actually like how i look without glasses when wearing my hair as it dries naturally. who knew?! not me.

seeing as i’m making a significant change to my hair for the first time in 10+ years, i’ve been reflecting on my experiences with body dysmorphia. a lot of it for me had (has? i’m a work in progress) to do with a near obsessive-compulsive desire for visual balance and control, because i had no other way of measuring my own beauty, strangely. i think body dysmorphia was my reaction to puberty, having an awkward stage, and the unrealistic beauty standards for women which often imply a correlation between attractiveness and value. i’m still wearing makeup, obviously, which doesn’t bother me, as i think that’s pretty standard, body dysmorphia or not. still, there was a (recent) time in my life when i never would’ve been able to share a picture of my face without wearing bangs, glasses, lipstick, or straight hair. these are small things, yes, but for me, learning in my own time to abandon the rigid standards that once soothed me and governed the (narrow) shape of my comfort zone is a big deal. something something change is possible.

[yllo-line]

bangs growth update, 2.5 months

in all honesty, i’m wondering if i’ll later miss the half bangs when they finish growing out, bc they balance out the size of my forehead.

[yllo-line]

sounds fantastic

[yllo-line]

at long last, this is Sinister Beats, PART I, a playlist series curated around steady, infectious, and unpredictable beats. Sinister Beats, PART I has been in the works for... half a year, maybe? i don't remember exactly when i began creating it, because the idea for this series has been with me for far longer than that. whenever i identified a Sinister Beat out in the wild i had a habit of pointing it out, smiling to myself as yet another playfully unhinged melody sunk its teeth into me. i don't consider myself a deranged person, but i have to an extent lost touch with reality before (looking at you, summer '16); sometimes, i have even wondered if the natural course of life for one as seemingly weak and inept as me is to descend into psychosis at an early age. i don't mean to suggest that i am currently disconnected from reality, but i often struggle to distinguish the forest from the trees. is everything all a matter of perspective? when the idea for Sinister Beats was first conceived, i was too afraid to see it through. because doing so meant actively leaning into, seeking out, and sitting with my own dark impulses (think of the Jungian shadow)...and then collating them for display. it's straight-up unsettling! but a Sinister Beat is easy to identify—repetitive, relentless, and hard to ignore; through the ear it burrows deep into the brain, like earthworms in dirt to awaken something primal, raw, and sensual (in the truest Sense of the word). ultimately, i listened to it and accepted my mission. run time: 2 hours, 46 minutes; 35 songs track list: 1. "Rolled Into" by Big Ever 2. "Like a Pen" by The Knife 3. "Electric" by Boy Harsher 4. "Drums of Death" by FKA twigs, Koreless 5. "MONITOR" by Zebra Katz, S. Ruston 6. "CIRCLONT6A [141.98][syrobonkus mix]" by Aphex Twin 7. "Bloodwork" by The Dare 8. "F/T Lover (feat. MOTHERMARY) (HERO Remix)" by Nicolaas, MOTHERMARY, HERO 9. "Making The Beast - Extended Mixed" by Shygirl 10. "Mind Control" by Black Light Smoke 11. "Baby" by Amiture 12. "R. O. V.- New Beat Edit - Part Time Punks Session" by Boy Harsher 13. "Dangerous" by Depeche Mode 14. "Taste of Metal" by Augustus Muller, Boy Harsher 15. "What's Been Turning You On - System Olympia Instrumental" by ASHRR, System Olympia 16. "Bite Soft" by Priori 17. "Tusayan" by Mr. Soon 18. "Gila Bend" by Mr. Soon 19. "RPG" by Significant Other, james K 20. "At Home In Strange Places" by Black Light Smoke 21. "RED 4" by RED, Priori 22. "This Land" by Sounds From The Ground 23. "Numb-Earth Linger" by Portishead 24. "Looking out for number one" by Demolition Squad 25. "RIDE THE RIDE" by Kinlaw 26. "Release" by Kelly Lee Owens 27. "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails 28. "Butterfly Caught" by Massive Attack 29. "Infiltrator" by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross 30. "Stormy Weather" by The Hacker 31. "Deep Well" by Boy Harsher 32. "Annihilator" by Night Sins 33. "Sin" by Nine Inch Nails 34. "Slide In - Model/Actriz Mix" by Amiture, Model/Actriz 35. "Before You Sleep" by Bruce

🪱

[yllo-line]

hi! i've got a new playlist on the horizon. here's the cover art. this will be the first installment of "sinister beats," a series curated around steady, infectious, and unpredictable beats.

the cover art, with the snakes, is a slight homage to the artwork for boy harsher's single "R.O.V.", the song that got me started on this playlist some months back. i don't think snakes are evil per say, but they are the perfect visual representation of dubious rhythm. i may actually keep this “logo” for each installment, or use different snakes behind the title. we’ll see.

[yllo-line]

yesterday i realized those are not snakes, but legless worm lizards (amphisbaena fuliginosa). oops 😅 sorry to have offended the worm lizard population with my ignorance! 🪱🦎

[yllo-line]

hi! i've got a new playlist on the horizon. here's the cover art. this will be the first installment of "sinister beats," a series curated around steady, infectious, and unpredictable beats.

the cover art, with the snakes, is a slight homage to the artwork for boy harsher's single "R.O.V.", the song that got me started on this playlist some months back. i don't think snakes are evil per say, but they are the perfect visual representation of dubious rhythm. i may actually keep this “logo” for each installment, or use different snakes behind the title. we’ll see.

[yllo-line]

my stepdad once told me i look better without my glasses on—he seemed to think it was his duty to tell me this, because “your dad won’t be the one to say it,” never mind the fact that i wasn’t asking for a man’s perspective (or anyone’s for that matter). it’s almost a backhanded compliment to say. i roll my eyes at the old fashioned idea that women are prettier without glasses—they’re functional accessories, and like any well-chosen accessory, they can compliment someone’s look with minimal effort. are they really that much of an obstacle?

but i will admit that growing out my bangs has begun to change the way i look at my face and my natural hair texture (which i’ve been fighting against for the majority of my teenage and adult life). in trying to simplify my beauty routine, i discovered that, while i have no immediate plans to wear contacts, i actually like how i look without glasses when wearing my hair as it dries naturally. who knew?! not me.

seeing as i’m making a significant change to my hair for the first time in 10+ years, i’ve been reflecting on my experiences with body dysmorphia. a lot of it for me had (has? i’m a work in progress) to do with a near obsessive-compulsive desire for visual balance and control, because i had no other way of measuring my own beauty, strangely. i think body dysmorphia was my reaction to puberty, having an awkward stage, and the unrealistic beauty standards for women which often imply a correlation between attractiveness and value. i’m still wearing makeup, obviously, which doesn’t bother me, as i think that’s pretty standard, body dysmorphia or not. still, there was a (recent) time in my life when i never would’ve been able to share a picture of my face without wearing bangs, glasses, lipstick, or straight hair. these are small things, yes, but for me, learning in my own time to abandon the rigid standards that once soothed me and governed the (narrow) shape of my comfort zone is a big deal. something something change is possible.

[yllo-line]

popping in to make the most pointless post of all—while simultaneously documenting my consideration of it—to say that i am, for the first time in like, 15 (?) years, seriously contemplating growing out my bangs? still planning on keeping the short, precise bob parted in the middle.

honestly, i’m getting older and becoming more and more tired of maintaining The World’s Most High Maintenance Hairstyle. but also, now that i’m older, more confident, and have grown into my features/ have a better sense of my best traits, i feel less of a need to obscure my face with a helmet of hair. whether this decision becomes the *greatest mistake of my life remains to be unseen!

*i have a naturally high hairline (see below lol), so my forehead is, admittedly, massive. as a result, i’ve always had some awareness that my facial features, have always looked vaguely…alien? potentially impish? but now that my hair has become darker with age, i will hopefully look less bald sans bangs.

maybe in a few months i’ll pop back in to share an update, depending on how this personal journey goes.

[yllo-line]

popping in for a hot second to share something i came across while looking through old photos, which can’t stop laughing at.

in a month i’ll be in florida celebrating my grandpa’s 100th b-day and i’ll be seeing all my paternal cousins (pictured above) together for the first time in over 10 years. this was taken at my aunt’s wedding, before the birth of my two youngest cousins, one of whom will be at the upcoming party. the marriage didn’t last, but damn is this photo is eternal. it’s pure, accidental comedic genius—if i came across it in a selection of old photos at an antique/junk shop, you bet your ass i’d buy it. everyone pictured is having a wildly different experience!!!

below are my dumbass descriptions, from left to right:

a. smooth operator

b. what’s a place like me doing in a girl like this?

c. precocious tween

d. stoned af

e. sucked on a lemon

f. silently judging u

my hope is to bring one of my film cameras with me to florida and to assign myself as the unofficial family photographer for the weekend. if i get some good shots, i may share a few here after they’re developed.

also, i have another monthly playlist in the works, which i hope to wrap up before the end of this month.

[yllo-line]

popping in to make the most pointless post of all—while simultaneously documenting my consideration of it—to say that i am, for the first time in like, 15 (?) years, seriously contemplating growing out my bangs? still planning on keeping the short, precise bob parted in the middle.

honestly, i’m getting older and becoming more and more tired of maintaining The World’s Most High Maintenance Hairstyle. but also, now that i’m older, more confident, and have grown into my features/ have a better sense of my best traits, i feel less of a need to obscure my face with a helmet of hair. whether this decision becomes the *greatest mistake of my life remains to be unseen!

*i have a naturally high hairline (see below lol), so my forehead is, admittedly, massive. as a result, i’ve always had some awareness that my facial features, have always looked vaguely…alien? potentially impish? but now that my hair has become darker with age, i will hopefully look less bald sans bangs.

maybe in a few months i’ll pop back in to share an update, depending on how this personal journey goes.

[yllo-line]

wrote a super quick poem—possibly my first in about a year, give or take?—about reverberating embarrassment and the body

[yllo-line]

working title: any combination of words. while the cover art for this playlist is christmas-y, and there are indeed holiday songs in the mix, this one began in mid-november, when i was listening to a lot of emma ruth rundle (marriages; the nocturnes) and liela moss (the duke spirit)—both musicians whose work i've followed for over a decade. ultimately i abandoned the playlist's original framework, but i kept a portion of its spirit intact here as i continued amassing songs—particularly those with vocal arrangements i consider unique, sometimes haunting.

when december and the holiday season began, my listening habits changed somewhat and i inevitably tossed in a few warm, christmas themed songs to the playlist. leaning into the theme of christmases past and present, for me, this playlist feels like the grown up version of the ones i made (or wished i'd made) back in college, 10+ years ago.

attending school in florida, i'd always return home (to new jersey, at the time) for a month off between semesters. studying for my final exams, i'd romanticize about wintertime; sometimes this was reflected in the music i listened to. music and and memory are so inextricably linked, i suppose it's no coincidence i'm interested in music and archives, or archives and music.

i have memories of playing beach house (specifically their self-titled album, and devotion) and braids' flourish // perish and reveling in bleak, atmospheric, and delicate arrangements that took me elsewhere. i have other memories of being in new jersey and frequenting a nearby catholic girls' college, to explore and take pictures of the empty campus. for years i've thought about boarding a train in winter, alone, and revisiting that campus or the surrounding downtown area. and when i think of doing that, i think of music. so this is the playlist i made for the person i was, and the person i am.

run time: 3 hours, 45 minutes; 52 songs track list: 1. "O Come O Come Emmanuel" by Marika Hackman 2. "Flowers In December" by Mazzy Star 3. "Calico" by Widowspeak 4. "Love Alive" by Heart 5. "Straight Back" by Fleetwood Mac 6. "I've Been Let Down" by Mazzy Star 7. "Gold" by John Stewart 8. "Trojan" by The Nocturnes 9. "A House Is Not A Motel" by The Duke Spirit 10. "YoYo" by The Duke Spirit 11. "Magenta - Iyera Remix" by The Duke Spirit, IYERA 12. "The Hands" by Swordes 13. "Veka" by Zola Jesus 14. "Something I Left Behind" by Liela Moss 15. "Mixed Tide" by SRSQ 16. "Myopia" by Agnes Obel 17. "The Coventry Carol" by Alison Moyet 18. "Auburn and Ivory" by Beach House 19. "Citizen of Glass" by Agnes Obel 20. "Nazama - A COLORS SHOW" by Nyokabi Kariuki 21. "Home" by Kinlaw 22. "Eusexua" by FKA Twigs 23. "Feel It" by Kate Bush 24. "Spellbound" by Ghostly Kisses 25. "Juniper" by Braids 26. "Follow" by Blue Hawaii 27. "quiet face" by Nyokabi Kariuki 28. "Nude" by Soft Blade 29. "Blinkmoth (July Mix)" by James K 30. "Silver Screen" by Ghostly Kisses 31. "Collector" by Amiture 32. "Soak" by Zola Jesus 33. "Christmas in Cleveland" by The Raveonettes 34. "Holiday House" by Beach House 35. "Cut Down the Tree" by Ice Choir 36. "Winter Wonderland" by Cocteau Twins 37. "December" by Braids 38. "Hypersoft Lovejinx Junkdream" by James K 40. "Welcome" by bôa 41. "Nova" by James K 42. "Frou-frou Foxes in Midsummer Fires" by Cocteau Twins 43. "Undertow" by Zola Jesus 44. "Violaine" by Cocteau Twins 45. "New Leaves" by Liela Moss 45. "Furious Angel" by Emma Ruth Rundle 46. "The Road" by The Nocturnes 47. "Part the Dark Again" by Marriages 48. "Ocean" by Julia Holter 49. "Talking to the Whisper" by Julia Holter 50. "Grace Under Fire" by Quarterflash 51. "Florence & Selena" by Riki 52. "Punch Drunk" by Sade ❄️

[yllo-line]

still working on my last playlist of the year, hoping to finish it before midnight—the song selection and order is challenging with this one.

anyhow, i’ve spent the day going through pictures from my year and thought i’d share a few from summer and fall.

1. golden hour grilled cheese

2. tiny rainbow, june

3 & 4. the brooklyn botanic garden in june

5. from the vivian maier exhibit at fotgrafiska (i saw it on my birthday, as my gift to myself), 07.09.24

6. soft slice 🥲

7. sleepy hollow cemetery

8 & 9. my neighborhood in early november

10. grilled cheese resting on my bed, december

happy new year, everyone :) wishing you all good health and happiness in 2025 🎉

[yllo-line]

in the spirit of tying up loose ends before new years day, this is a fun beach playlist my sister and i made together between july and august. if the playlist's title sounds familiar, you're not mistaken— it is a reference to that drunk scene with rachel weisz in the mummy (1999)—we joke about it as feeling, an insert to various overwhelming (good or bad) life experiences, and so it seemed like the perfect title for a disorienting, fun mix.

as always, this playlist includes a blend of what i'd been listening to, discovered "out in the wild," or was recommended. run time: 3 hours, 45 minutes; 47 songs track list: 1. "Simple And Clean - PLANITb Remix" by Hikaru Utada 2. "Bon Bon" by Fcukers 3. "Flowers" by Blue Hawaii 4. "Love You Got" by Kelly Lee Owens 5. "Your Beautiful Self - Hua Li 化力 remix" by Land of Talk, Hua Li 化力 6. "Wake" by Priori, James K 7. "Pull Up - Tim Reaper Remix" by Special Request, Tim Reaper 8. "Florida" by kitty ray 9. "CRYPT - [Vocal : PORIN (Awesome City Club)]" by Mondo Grosso, PORIN 10. "Satisfy You" by George Riley 11. "Home Alone" by Erika de Casier 12. "Fantasy - Def Club Mix" by Mariah Carey 13. "Summer Fever" by Donna Summer 14. "Sunset People" by Donna Summer 15. "Whammy Kiss" by The B-52's 16. "Foyer" by Wild Nothing 17. "Angel Eyes" by Lime 18. "Entombed in Ice (Young Marco Remix)" by Avalon Emerson, Young Marco 19. "Hey Boy Hey Girl" by The Chemical Brothers 20. "Nihilist in the Club" by Izzy Camina 21. "Sponsored Ritual" by trickpony 22. "Coroner's Report" by Coatie Pop 23. "Intercourse" by Paradox Obsur 24. "Prayer At The Dinner Table" by Kiss Facility // Lin's Side 25. "Nervous, With Her" by Dj Cinéma Quartier Latin 26. "Interiorem Proeliis" by Flava Laus 27. "Angels that Fuck" by Coatie Pop 28. "heartbeat (feat. Vv Pete) [rebirth]" by Logic1000, Vv Pete 29. "Balance" by Jump Source, Patrick Holland, Priori 30. "Dreamin' - Vocal" by Greg Henderson 31. "He's the Greatest Dancer" by Sister Sledge 32. "Scully" by GL 33. "Outside In The Rain - Remix" by Gwen Guthrie 34. "Not To Mention" by DJ Sabrina The Teenage DJ 35. "Come Over" by Carly Rae Jepsen 36. "Apple" by Charli xcx 37. "Fácil" by Empress Of 38. "Waiting for Tonight - Metro Mix" by Jennifer Lopez 39. "In My Room" by Hikaru Utada 40. "Sunshine" by Kelly Lee Owens 41. "oceanic (feat. Vagabon) [rebirth]" by Logic1000, Vagabon 42. "Win" by 박혜진 Park Hye Jin 43. "Colder & Closer - Suzanne Kraft Remix" by TOPS, Suzanne Kraft 44. "Welcome" by Nathan Melja, Patrick Holland 45. "Somewhere Near Marseilles —マルセイユ辺り— (Sci-Fi Edit)" by Hikaru Utada 46. "Right To the End" by Blue Hawaii 47. "Beating - TONE Remix" by Tirzah, TONE

🫗