things i never built the courage to tell you before you left
1. How painful it is when attention becomes a wish. 26th November 2013. We had shared memories that left us smiling, laughing, crying - any emotion anyone could possibly think of, we had felt it. We were a team; we always were. But when things got hard, you shut down. I was left to smile, laugh and cry on my own. I hated the person I had become because I begged for you to look at me. I begged you to understand me, to feel me - and you couldn’t. It destroyed me.
2. You were once the happiness I asked God for. Before I met you darling, I had been used and abused beyond my age. The thought of something, someone better was all that kept me believing. I prayed, chanted, cried, yelled, kicked and screamed. God - lead me to my sanctuary. Give me the mercy to find my safe haven. You saved me from the worst of myself. You were my last sanctuary. Ever since you left my darling, I am empty.
3. I loved you more than the concerns of other people. We would have been kidding ourselves if we thought it was easy. Our relationship was decorated so inextricably with complications at every turn that maybe that’s what led to its dissolution. But listen to me baby boy - I didn’t care. I never positioned anybody to be able to convince me out of loving you; because loving you was all I ever did since 26th November 2013.
4. I was your family too. Some may say delusion blinded me for being so young and drawing up a future with you, but I can’t force myself to see it the way they do. I loved you so much. I still love you so much. Nothing anybody says can stop me from devoting a place in my heart to the memory of you. I just wish you built a home for me in your heart too.
5. You didn’t break me, you leaving did. I would have let you drag me to Hell tied to a rope with thorns slicing into my skin at every movement that you dictated. Self worth was always something I held dear to myself, but not when it came to you. I loved you so much. I would act strong one second, but within the next, the thought of losing you would consume me. I cannot explain to you, my darling, how my heart dropped every time I would pray to god that your phone ringing would somehow lead me to your sweet voice. I never wanted your time - I wanted you to love me. But you left instead.
6. My pain is not your pain, no matter how much I wish you understood. I was wrong. I should have never let myself believe that you hearing that I will hurt myself will stop you from making your decision. I won’t lie, it hurt me. Knowing that me slitting myself made a difference nowhere near big enough for you to reach me hurt. I didn’t need your friends. I didn’t need my friends. I didn’t need your sisters. Hell, the only person I wanted to hear it from was you. Believe me when I say this my darling - I never wanted it to be blackmail. I never wanted the countless messages I sent you saying please feel like I was begging. I only wanted to know I was worth enough for you to care for me.
7. When there is will, there is a way; where there is God, there is light. I love you my darling. Work on yourself. I am wherever you are. I am in the air you breathe, the air that surrounds you; the air you let yourself take in. I am not going anywhere anymore, I will not run. I will be here to see you improve - and I will be here to congratulate you for it.
