He hadn’t necessarily prepared an answer, not knowing what exactly to say in the moment. The ‘of all people’ comment had been something he had said lightly — even though he did worry at times, if he was too overbearing, too annoying, just too much — but he couldn’t bring himself to even attempt to explain it. Especially not when Yongguk was sitting right there, telling him that he trusted Himchan with his life.
Instead, he stayed quiet for the moment, listening to Yongguk’s voice and the words he spoke..and trying to process the amount of emotion that hit him so silently in that moment, trying to find the right words that would fit how he felt about this, how he felt about him.
Himchan moves carefully to sit up, a hand reaching out to place over one of Yongguk’s, fingers gently curling around his hand. “I can’t possibly be upset with you over this..and I don’t have it in me to hate you, not with how much I care about you…”
He squeezes Yongguk’s hand, the pad of his thumb brushing over his skin as he takes another small moment before speaking quietly again, “I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared about the thought of you..” Himchan tries to cover up his words wavering and getting caught with a quiet clearing of his throat,”…not coming home, or not..making it, but that’s because of how incredibly important you are to me..”
His free hand moves to brush the heel of his palm under his eye in a quick, somewhat subtle movement (as if it’s just a gesture of tiredness, but it’s not).
“I know there’s risks..and dangers every single day, but even then, nothing has ever felt as normal and safe as it does when you’re around..and I just..I trust you, completely..”
—⌖|| There was the slightest flinch of his shoulders, his entire body tensing briefly at Himchan’s words, at his touch. It wasn’t because he didn’t like it, didn’t want it...it was because he wanted more and he was afraid to say it. It was like Himchan didn’t understand, didn’t know just what he did to him, how he made him feel...or maybe he did? How could he not?
He felt like an awkward boy back in high school, ashamed of the fact that he was attracted to other guys and terrified of ever letting anyone know.
The catch in Himchan’s voice, the tightness in his throat, the wavering tone, it was too much and too hard to ignore. Yongguk jerked his hand away from Himchan’s grasp only to turn and wrap his arms around him, abruptly pulling him close, shaking a little while he just...quietly clung to him for a moment.
"I just...our lives are so fucked up. I’ve done so many bad things...I hate myself so much, Himchan, I hate myself, I don’t sleep, I have nightmares all the time, I try to drink it all away.” He paused, shaking again, fingers digging in just a little to Himchan’s shoulders as he buried his face in the other man’s hair. “...but with you....I feel normal again...like things could be...okay. Not perfect, but...better. I..”
Why did it feel so hard to breathe? “...please don’t leave me..”