Thoughts I hide
I have been dreaming about you lately. Before my first dream I was convinced I didn’t love you anymore. But just when I am certain that what we had has been left in the past, the image of you invades my mind as you crash into my sweet dreams. And I get confused.
It happened again last night. My dream lingered through the night, and you were there. I tried pushing you away, I tried waking up, but you were there.
You see, I go to bed alone every night and wake up the same way. It gets cold, it gets lonely and it can even get sad. But don’t get me wrong, I am not sad because you are gone, but because since you’ve been gone no one else came my way. And I hate that so much because first, it makes me wonder if you were the one, then it makes me feel insecure and so I question if I am good enough?
I hate both of these things because they involve you. Even when they don’t, they do. You keep showing up.
If you are the one, then I don’t want you back, or maybe I do, maybe I don’t know.
If I am not good enough, then I lost you, and it is my fault, because I left you. I broke your heart when it was the most vulnerable, I broke your heart even when I knew your love for me was unending. And now I get to be part of the clichés of people who couldn’t appreciate what they had when they had it. Just because my self worth gets drunk on ego sometimes and it gets confused on how high my standards should be. Because I left you thinking you where not good enough and I had to convince myself for months that I would stop loving you eventually. And it worked. I woke up to a message from you today. You have been dreaming about me too. It is not the first time this has happened. The truth is, that the connection between the two of us is strange. For years now the universe has been pulling us together. And when our bodies fail to unite, our minds escape our consciousness and find a way to be together, in our dreams, where reality isn’t a thing.
We have learned the laws of a universe we can’t control nor change. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be transferred. It has been seven years since this revolting energy connected us, since it was transferred to us. And for some reason it stayed between us and it trapped us. Is there such thing as being prisoners of a soulmate connection? Can one escape from a true love? I wish we could just split this energy in even halves so we can finally share it with new loved ones and be happy once again, and stop dreaming about each other.
This is not a love letter, this is not me missing you, these are just my honest thoughts. The ones I hide from you and the world.
- A.B
