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@youdontknowandyoudontcare
If my sister goes to bed at 11:50pm I end up going to my room after 1am.
Because I'm a 31 year old bad stay at home sister who can't find a job who tells people she is 29 and needs to put her 33 year old sister to bed most times.
I have to stay with her until she falls asleep. Only then I can put things away and close down the house.
In loving him I lost myself.
All I did was believe his words and take his actions and gifts on the way they were supposed to be taken but somehow I'm the fool for thinking he actually meant that he wanted to marry me when he said for years that he wanted to marry me. Now my worst fears of love have turned true so I have new fears. What if I give him my 30s and half of my 40s and he waits till I'm 45 to tell me once again that he didn't mean it, that he thought I was joking and that his words were more of a wish than a plan for the future. How do I explain to someone that I don't want them to ask me to marry him just because they know I want to marry them? I wanted for him to ask me to marry him because he wanted to marry me. I wanted for him to fuck me because he wanted to have sex with me and not because I complained many times before about our lack of sex. " We should only get engaged because you actually want us to be married in less than 5 years and not because you think you have to give me a ring in order for us to keep being in a relationship. All I did was believe your words and now I hate myself for it. I hate that my love for you has made me both the butt of the joke and the girl people take pitty on. I gave you the last of my 20s and I'm afraid to give you my 30s too only to have you back out and break my heart all over again.
I fucked up
I so majorly fucked up! How could I be so stupid? And for SO many years!
Is it possible that I misunderstood things back then?
Did we only remained friends because I didn't scare him away like I did her? Or was he gonna be like one of those “friends” that were only friendly with me until I turn them down or gave them a chance and then fucked it up?
Did he even actually knew or was he taking a shot in the dark?
So many questions... that I shouldn't even care about anymore.
Why is 2020 Me so worried about things that are so clearly not longer relevant to my every day life?
I guess it just makes me question my perception of reality.
Sometimes I start to feel guilty about how we left things but then I remember things like this.
You Again!
You know that movie where Kristen Bell plays a successful lady who goes back to her home town and the more time she is there trying to prove the perfect girl was once a the worst she looks and feels to the point that she looked worst than then she lived in that town? That’s exactly how I feel. I’ve been on prednisone since I got here so half my clothes doesn’t fit me. My cool cardigan got ruined so now I’m wearing big jackets. I forgot half of my makeup in Texas. Eating too many process carbs and sweets combined with the reaction my skin had to the beach gave me acne. For some reason my face is dry so make up on it looks bad. Went to get a haircut and saying “cut the blond out” was no longer a good idea. Plus the whole earth shaking thing making my first world problems harder to deal with. Good thing that this was a quick meeting with friends who met me when I used guy clothes so their expectations were low. But my next friend meeting is not so I hope I’m not a step down from the last version of me here.
Working on yourself is actually hard work.
It's been half a year of meds and group theraphy and even learning to eat... or how to identify hunger.
Half a year of looking back and thinking "well that was clearly not healthy" or "seems my childhood was kind of fucked up" and being angry at my past self.
Not the biggest fan of being hungry but I'm glad that weed is no longer the only way I could sleep for over 4 hours and wake up hungry in the morning.
Turns out I had both physical and mental things that were not being taken care of but I low key knew that already ... even back then.
It's annoying to think that I know I'm doing better but it's gonna take at least 6 more months for the people who knew me before to notice.
Now I'm back in the island after 3 and a half years and I'm ashamed even though I should be proud.
I'm able to feel and care for people but I regret it. I finally found out reasons why I could never lose weight but I still look the same as before. I'm a business owner but I'm not doing what I initially set out to do.
At least I can finally enjoy sex now so there is that but it's not like anyone in the island cares.
I wanted to be a better version of myself for when I saw my people (not just my past crushes) again but even though I kind of am ... I was away for so long that it will seem like I'm far from it.
Me from the past would have just hidden cause she didn't want to be seen as a failure (and could hide behind that her reason to visit was to see her dad after a heart attack and stroke) but this Me will see her friends (the ones remaining in the island anyways) and will start to work on her Summer of 2020 visit as soon as she gets back to the state of American stereotypes.
That's if WW3 doesn't become a thing in the meantime or another nature disaster doesn't happen on the year I was planning to visit... again.
What the fuck even happen in my life in 2019?
I had to let go of dreams I didnt even know I had while embarking in journeys I didn't even know I wanted.
But other than literally being a boss and spending half the year getting to know myself so I can fix me, it was not the best year.
It's like my life is getting an update but I'm not able to use it before it finishes.
I only come here when I have no one to turn to...
But myself.
When I say I love you is because of this.
I have never in my life cried over a partner ... until today and I hate me for it.
My boyfriend decided to be the center of the world while I'm dealing with like 5 crisis at the same time.
I took my sister to the hospital that gave her Keppra after I convinced her that she had epilepsy. So it's my fault she had those side effects.
I changed my mom's plane ticket from the 24 to the 29
I got scared and took my sister to the place that she is now being held hostage at.
They drug her and forced her to sign papers over the blackmail technique of "if you don't sign this now we'll take you to court and hold you here against your will" while she didn't have her glasses or you know ... a sober mind cause of the constant Trazadone they give her in there.
I failed her over and over again and while doing that I put her career and future on jeopardy and I failed my family.
Now I have a nephew and a mom who came to see a sister that's not a home and there is a change they spend over a thousand dollars just to be disappointed since it's been 5 days and she is still there.
So while I'm trying to get my sister not fired at the same time of not putting her future in jeopardy by not sharing much and legit reading laws and stuff of how I can get her out all while trying to be productive with the rest of my fam which includes my nephew who requires special attention and my ever judging mom and failing to keep myself whole as in I try to force myself to eat or sleep and the brain theraphy lady would not let me reschedule my session a 3rd time so I have to go at 4 when visitation is at 7:30 but have to purchase stuff like drinking water , food and bathing suits among other things before and call to demand information about my sister's case and the process and why they won't give us anything near a time table.... anyway after being aware of all this my boyfriend decided to make me feel like shit for not talking to him and after I try to explain he asks that I see him tomorrow which I had just described to him or Sunday so even when I say I was gonna try on Sunday he got mad cause it's not tomorrow and just left me hangin.
He just left me
I broke yesterday night cause I had not slept for days and only eat once a day again so I was not able to talk to him last night either so he gets mad at me for not making him a priority while trying to keep all my shit together along with the shit of other people.
He was mad at me and when I tried to explain or make it a lil bit better he made sure I was aware that I should feel bad for making him feel ignored and then when I tried opening up and explain I could not see him tomorrow he got even more mad at me and said goodnight and left ... So I just started crying and freaking out because the person I need the most at the moment, the person I was opening up to decided to let me know he wad at me and because of me , said goodnight and went away.
So there I was, crying in silence because I didn't want to wake up my mommy or nephew while at the same time feeling like shit cause I'm a failure of a sister, a girlfriend, a daughter and just a human being in general.
Matching mugs ♥
I am so selfish
Had I let my mom and nephew come on the 24th instead of the 29 then maybe my sister's brain would have not started to break on the 24th.
But noooooooo. I was selfish and wanted to go on my stupid trip to Austin with my boyfriend. I wanted the mansion with the pool and the view. I wanted a day in town and a night with fancy restaurants. I wanted to go to performances and celebrates things. I could have done most of those things in a couple of months or next year ... yet I decided that it was more important to try and clean and go on a romantic gateway than to clean non stop and be here to recieve my family and stay with them.
I was also the one to push my sister to drink the anti-epileptic pills during the week and even the beta blocker on the morning when her brain broke.
And now here we are.
My sister is still broken, the house is barely not a trash place but still made my mom (who got in today) cringe even if I've been cleaning non-stop for 2 days. I never made it to Austin or the birthday celebration that was tonight and it's been well over 24 hours with my sister under observation in a mental institution.
I should have known from the moment I found her outside with just a towel.
There were so many red flags during the week that I downplayed so I could keep on with my life.
I even got her a daily pill organizer so I could save a couple of minutes each day instead of just giving her the pills one by one like always.
Now everyone is sad.
My sister is now officially being crazy as a crazy person at the hospital for crazy people.
Things went downhill since Thursday and while she had seem to go back to normal on Friday late afternoon and night she broke and woke me up at 3am crying on Saturday.
It took me like 4 hours to get her in the car since the moment she agreed to let me get her some help.
She got semi aggressive at some point and broke the thing I put my IDs, key and phone in because we both needed help and I was not supposed to drive in my condition, whatever that means.
It took me like an hour to get her to the waiting room and that's cause she literally threw herself on the parking lot and would not get up from the floor or open her eyes.
When we finally reached the place all she could say was "all that matters is that Normaris is well" and then she started saying that she trusts God and that we both needed help. After that was just a loop of "Normaris, I need you to be healed, to be saved and to get up" she said it over and over with her eyes closed and did not want to open her eyes.
At the end she said she was ready and that there was no more pain.
She was in such bad shape that when that as soon as the nurse who went to tale her vitals saw her she sent the admissions guy my way and they took her away on a wheelchair.
It was almost 11 so I came home, slept for an hour, ate and drank my pills to then put clothes to wash and dry while getting a shower. At 5:30 I dropped some clothes and stay around till 7:30 for visitation.
She was asleep and I basically just stayed there for an hour looking at her sleep. Her observation was supposed to only last 24 hours but I called at 12 and they decided to keep her longer cause she still not making sense. At least she ate and slept.
I'm so worried that I want to cry. But I cant cause my mom is landing in less than 5 hours with my nephew and the house is a mess that has 21 rats, 3 cats, 1 dog and 1 hedgehog that need to be taken care of. Everything is a mess and there is poop and haor everywhere.
It's been 1 hour
It's been 1 hour since she called to tell me she loves me.
Her friend just called me to tell me she is at my sister's work in the bathroom about to take her to the hospital.
She just called me to tell me she loves me ...
She sounded like she was freaking out
My sister got extra crazy
On Monday we went to the emergency hospital and after explaining to the dictator while whe thought it was epilepsy and all her tests coning normal she was prescribed the anti-epileptic KEPPRA , she drank it that night and slept.
Tuesday she sent hours stretching on the living room and would not let me go. In fact I got hurt while following her instructions. By the time I was able to go but the alarm it was already late afternoon which is not a time I should go out to.
Then I came back and saw her having the obvious beginning of a mental breakdown with the whole naked on the outside thing and then crying cause I left her alone.
White trying to calm her down she told me that she was scared that one day she was gonna get up and I was not real and this life was not real and she was gonna be in a mental institution like it happened in sucker punch which she still calls the lolita movie. She started to not be coherent or share how she was feeling and would not let me go.
I went to bed after 2 and falling asleep after 3 that day and she woke me up before the sun was out and then again before 8.
I tried to calm her down but when I wanted to get up and be productive she would not let me. She needed to fall asleep nect to me. She was crying and freaking Kurt but would not share why.
Then later she shared she dreamt of ghosts telling her I had lepto and something about and when I went to get food (cause I have not cooked in like a week) she threw away a of stuff ... like new food and drinks and shit because the spirits told her to.
So like I was in bed talking to her and I turn around and try to make sense of what she was saying while trying to rest my eyes. She started saying what sounded like compliments about me having the power of calming her down and when she said "are you gonna pet me or not?" I showed her that I was looking for a picture meaning I was gonna give her attention soon but that was not what was happening.
She was not commenting on my skills to calm her, she was demanding I gave her massages and tickles to calm her down and when she did not get it rugby away she broke down and had a nervous breakdown which right now I cannot explain but it was bad. Really bad, like I could put her in a crazy house if I wasted to bad.
