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Thoughts

People often associate those in toxic relationships with someone who is weak. Someone who doesn’t have enough self-respect to walk away. Someone who is tolerating a lot less than they deserved.

But as someone who lived through the turmoil of the ups and downs and endings just to begin again, I look at myself as really strong. Strong for coming out on the other side. Yes, a bit tainted but no one walks through fire not getting burnt a little.

I thought I was strong for hanging on so long. Strong for believing in someone and respecting my own feelings enough to not walk away. Strong for loving someone that much.

When people ask about him and our relationship, I don’t look back at it negatively. I look back at it and I see love.

Love underneath the ashes and the chaos we created in each other’s lives. Because maybe it wasn’t just him that was toxic. I think more than that, I was toxic to myself for continuing to run in circles I knew would lead me to the same place.

The truth was, it was him that ended it. I would never give up on him. I would have kept trying. I would have tried until I completely self-destructed. And in time I did.

He was like some drug and every hit took me to this high and I always came back wanting more. I don’t know much about drugs but I know people can be as addicting as any hard substance.

That’s all an addiction is, trying to find comfort in the same thing that’s destroying you.

He said goodbye one night and it didn’t even hurt anymore. I was completely numb to it. And that’s what was so scary about it. I had been hurt so many times it didn’t even faze me anymore.

But the hard part wasn’t the ending. It came with a thank you on his part because I think he finally knew what he put me through.

There was no doubt I loved him and I would have done anything to make it work. In fact, I had. I invested time and energy into something that would end in complete destruction but I still fought for it. I fought like hell for him.

But it was a toxic relationship.

It was a relationship full of mind games and doubts and questioning every move I made and every word I said. It was every fight always ended in me apologizing and it somehow always being my fault. It was saying things just to piss each other off and knowing exactly how to.

But then it was the good stuff too. It was the nights together where I wanted time to freeze in that moment. It was every bad day he was the one I knew I could turn to.

It was with a simple look and a short phrase he knew something was up and he knew just to hold me. The honest truth was he knew better than any person in my life and I loved him for that.

It was every day waking up to his texts and every conversation ending with I love you. I don’t know if he knew how in love with him I was. But even with the bad stuff, he set this template for everything I wanted in a person.

And I know that sounds crazy. How can a toxic standard be the one I had? But the truth about toxic relationships is they aren’t all bad all the time.

There’s a reason people tolerate the bad stuff.

But it ended and I moved on.

But in everyone, I dated I looked for a piece of him there. Every date I’d sit across the table and think about him. He ruined dating for me a bit after that because even after it ended, he still consumed so much of my heart.

Then there were the negative effects a toxic relationship had on me. I questioned everyone’s motives after that. Every new person I expected there to be some catch. Some chick on the side. Some fight that would lead us to make up again and run in circles. I expected to be treated bad.

Until I realized normal relationships aren’t screaming and fighting and royally fucking with you. I began to be treated like I deserved and I’d run from it. I began to meet really great guys and I pushed them away.

Then I began to search for other toxic relationships to fill this sick void and get that hit I needed. And when I found people like these, all that happened was an ending of me crying myself to sleep, same story different guy. But there was something painfully comforting about what I was used to.

Life after a toxic relationship is like recovery in a way. You have to admit to yourself there’s a problem and it isn’t something to be fixed in a partner. It’s something you need to fix within yourself first. Then you need to be able to identify it and step away from anyone or anything that will bring you back to that self-destructive path.

You have to build yourself up in such a way that even when you’re tempted you don’t want it. Because you understand the effects it has on you.

I think a piece of me would always love him and I think a part of me would always look for his better qualities and potential suitors but I didn’t want him anymore.

I looked at him and knew maybe we weren’t meant to be, in the forever sense I hung onto so long as an adolescent. There was a bitter sweet moment that came with that followed by a feeling overcome with peace.

And it was only after not getting what I wanted did I finally get what I deserved.

Forever torn between: did I dodge a bullet, or lose the love on my life.

I promise you will search for me in every other person you meet, and you won't find it

The end

Thank you & Please be happy & I hope that you feel loved by someone special who you love, take care & all the best.

-The man who told me he would love me forever

The hardest thing in the world is being pushed away because you love them too much

You are not as bad as your breakup was.

I swear you will be okay- you will be more than okay.

It is the worst thing when you lose yourself during a toxic relationship, but I can assure you it is going to be okay. We compromise who we are and how we feel for the sake of the relationship- for the sake of our special person. We tell ourselves it is necessary to keep certain things hidden so the other person is happy. We believe it is a sacrifice we must make to be be with them, right? Well, that is usually the point in time where we fall out of love with ourselves - we become detached from who we are.

When things like a bad relationship happen that is what we do, we hand over our entire self worth and significance, so the other person feels as if they are not the only ones sacrificing something. They sacrifice their sanity, and you sacrifice everything you stand for, makes sense right? WRONG. Constant arguing and crying is not true a “connection” and you are not arguing that much because you love each other either. The myth, “if we aren’t arguing do we even care?” is such a horrible scheme to make people think they have to communicate in a negative manner to show their love. We must be gentile, we must be delicate, we must comfort our lover- not attack, threaten, or degrade them. Time has taught me that a connection does not necessarily mean you are right for that person. When you feel as if this person has seen the good and the bad in you, you do not want them to leave. It is hard to imagine another person, a stranger, taking their place. You feel comfort arguing and crying with someone that understands the routine. Man, I wish someone told me how fucked up and wrong that was for both of us. Over the course of eight months, two break-ups and several girls on the side, I became the person I always told myself I would never be- I became the desperate, dependent girl who let a boy she claimed to have a “connection” with, take advantage of her and blame it all on her. I know how it feels to hand someone your sense of self, and before you know it they are in charge of your happiness, mood, and you depend on them to make you happy. But it is all out of love right? Wrong.

When you finally decide to let go, it is the most difficult thing you could ever do. You feel as if you are lost without them, lonely without their daily texts, afraid of the world- afraid of never finding someone else who will know you like they knew you. We ask ourselves, how do I live without this person? How do I smile without this person?

Please trust me you will be absolutely okay- please remember this. We hear it all the time from people around us and brush it off as if they do not know what we are going through, and in most cases they don’t. But if there is one thing to keep in mind, bad things happen to make us realize the good. There is so much love and happiness ahead of you. You have not even met half of the people you will meet in your life yet. You must let it go- let him go. Let go of the memories, and let go of the future plans you had for both of you. The hardest part of a breakup is letting go of the things you still wanted to do with him. To this day I still have trouble letting go of that amazing concert we saw together, and I still have trouble letting go of the plan I had to go to a reindeer farm with him. It is hard to think of the things you will not do with this person anymore, but you must let go so someone else, someone more special and deserving, can come into your life. Trust me it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. If it was meant to work, it would have. If you were meant to be together you would have worked it out. If love was truly as powerful as you claim it was, there would still be love between you both.

You won’t ever get all the answers you need. Don’t waste your time trying to understand why it all happened the way it did- why it happened to you.

You can spend the best years of your youth analyzing everything that happened and you still won’t have anymore clarity or closure. You will never understand why they did what they did to you. Why they did what they did to you is not important anymore.

Stop trying to fight the old, it’s a battle you will never, ever win because you’re wasting all of your energy on someone that didn’t value you as much as you did them.

Instead, focus all of your energy on finding your self-worth. I know this is easier said than done but you will be on the right track to loving yourself, and that is the most important thing you can do.

You can forgive, but don’t forget.

You cannot move forward with your life with one foot on the brakes. Sometimes we refuse to let go of the pain because it’s the only thing attaching us to the person that undervalued and undermined us.

I know that heartbreak feels like a stab to the heart, but in order to move on you need to move past you must forgive, but do not forget.

Try to understand that they haven’t done enough work on themselves to be enough for you.

Not vise versa. You cannot convince or inspire anyone to do the work, you are only responsible for yourself.

You may not realize it, but the pain you are feeling is shaping you. It is okay.

You cried, you laughed, you were alive, and you will feel that way again.

Once you realize they were holding you back, you now have the chance to be happier than you have ever been before and you can create the life that you want to live.

Stop holding onto regret. It is not your fault.

No matter how they made you feel, mistakes are an inevitable thing. That is, as long as you learn from them. Mistakes are a huge part of life. They teach you exactly what you want, and who you want to be.

Maybe you argued with them at inopportune times, but don’t forget that your anger was fueled by your passion for them.

You cared. You loved them. Don’t regret it.

Be a better you, for you.

You loved everything about them. All of their imperfections were absolutely perfect to you. You wanted more for them, you had opinions and big dreams for the future. You wanted the best for them.

You never let them get away with cheating themselves out of an amazing opportunity, or just life in general.

So do that for yourself.

Learn to love all of your imperfections, and light a fire under your ass.

There is a more extraordinary love out there that you never would know if you hadn’t left your toxic relationship. But don’t forget, extraordinary has to start with you- fall back in love with yourself and let extraordinary find its way to you.

Xo,

The girl that’s been there, and is still struggling.

If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the the rest of our lives.

Lemony Snicket

Lost myself while trying to please everyone else, now i'm losing everyone while i'm finding myself.

I promise you that one day soon you will find someone that loves you fairly and understands you

brother advice

Youth.

You are so special.

You care about others.

You give yourself freely for the comfort of other people.

I know you just want to be loved.

You think I will betray you.

You think I will judge you for your past.

You think I will leave at the first glimpse of your darkness.

I know you just want to be loved.

You think everything has to seem okay to be okay.

You think I deserve better than you.

You think you drag me down.

I know you just want to be loved.

You think you hurt me.

You think you are worthless.

You think – too much.

I know you just want to be loved.

I do not understand why I do the things I do.

But I will find out – I promise, for you.

My youth.