Michael Medrano @youngtomhardy - Tumblr Blog

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my new life is so much quieter. i’m pretty social but i’ve always been naturally quiet. a lifelong friends’ dad described me as “mild mannered” when talking about watching one of my music videos; he was so shocked to see who i am as an artist. but he loved it and that always stuck with me

i have my own place now. i’m finally safe. i don’t get yelled at or attacked anymore. i can wear my shoes and walk into my bedroom if i want to. i used to do that just to see what an outfit would look like, and i would get screamed at. i’d have clean the bottom of my shoes with a lysol wipe if i wanted to try out an outfit i was planning.

i can leave things out (organized, mind you) on the counter so i don’t forget them. i was yelled at for that too.

i never realized how controlled i was until it became too much. i called this person my best friend, my lifelong partner. and i really loved him. i genuinely loved him so much and in hindsight, it just feels like stockholm syndrome now. i couldn’t do anything without it being a huge fight. and the fights would last hours. i would apologize and apologize. i would beg for the verbal abuse to stop. and i couldn’t ever wrap my head around it because i just loved this person so much. i couldn’t imagine treating him the way he treated me until i started to retaliate and fight fire with fire. i would start complaining about things i didn’t even care about. i just wanted to feel control. “you just wanna get even, that’s all you care about”. but it begs the question… why would i need to “get even” if nothing was being done to me? clearly i was crying out for help. constantly. but for some reason, my cries weren’t valid, they were “crazy” and “irrational”. why do you think i went crazy?

now my life is quiet. peaceful. and i have a partner that’s a true best friend. i don’t feel the need to fight for my life anymore.

even now i look back with rose colored glasses until i start remembering what kind of overly controlled hell i was living through. and this person still doesn’t see an issue with how he treated me. he called their endless needs “boundaries”, meanwhile i didn’t get to have any of my own. we were in an open relationship, but only “he was allowed”. i got “too much validation online to need any kind of sexual attention in real life”. so my ex would go off and do what he wanted while i sat at home for his sake. then when i asked for simple things in return, it was always met with belligerence. unbelievable.

i couldn’t get him to stop searching sniffies or grindr. we had a joint account and i couldn’t even look at it without him snatching the phone back from me. when someone would give me attention in public, or flirt with me at a club, i would get yelled at for it. like it was my fault that someone was simply giving me a compliment, which i always rejected.

i don’t know why i walked on eggshells with my ex for so long. i felt so weak for allowing it, but i think i was in love with a person that just didn’t exist. and in this loop of always thinking one day id please him enough to gain respect. stupid of me, but that’s how the cycles of violence continue, and i don’t blame myself for having faith in someone i loved anymore.

it was so confusing because this was the person who would endlessly help me with my creative, really showed up for me in that department. at one point, i started to feel like i couldn’t do my career without them. this person even suggested i would fail without them, saying i was too “dumb” and disorganized to accomplish anything on my own. he loved to insult my intelligence. he would pass it off as a joke, but a person that respects you doesn’t “joke” about those kinds of things.

recently someone posted a review of my latest song danse and described me as “stronger and more in control than ever”. the reviewer didn’t even know what my life was like, yet somehow, through the music, he could sense this new found power and peace

that’s why i continue to create. why i continue to tell my stories through the lens of dance music. i wrap pieces of my life amongst these tracks, because i know the right people understand and “really see me”.

another commenter on tiktok said about danse, “I believe this banger is about being betrayed in love so much that now you are the one betraying”

which also was true. in the end, i ended up “betraying” my abuser. and i feel a lot of guilt and sadness for this still. but through my own self-work and therapy, i realize that it only lead me to the life i deserve. and the fact that i can recognize and feel remorse my wrongdoings is actually a great indicator of my moral compass. it’s not an excuse, but i at least can go to bed knowing that i really tried to do the right thing for so many years until i just couldn’t handle being betrayed anymore.

i will never treat someone the way he treated me, and while i have regrets, i can sleep at night knowing that simple fact. and i’ve found so much love in my life since, from my partner to my friends — old and new.

danse is about finding the love again, trust falling into it, and praying that i’m making the right choices. it’s safe to say, i made the right decision in the end.

you can listen to DANSE everywhere now. thank you for taking the time to read this if you made it this far. i love getting to feel just a little closer to anyone who listens. and i wish my ex the best. i hope he becomes a kinder, less selfish person. i don’t know if ill ever get an apology for the hell i was put through, but i feel like it’s okay now. as long as i wake up every day and push through, im alive. and im happy.

#michael medrano #artists on tumblr #journal #dance music #relationship #Spotify

lavoilette

i've been playing this non-stop and i need an extended mix nooow 😭

aestheticsmut

as i’m reaching a new height in my career i find myself really analyzing my place in music both sonically and socially. i’ve always loved using strong sexuality in my work. it’s something i’ll continue to do, but i think i’m going to reframe how i go about it. because truth be told? i’m sick of being disrespected. i’m sick of people boiling me down to one thing, entirely missing the point of my art.

i’ve been writing orchestral pieces since i was 12. i picked up music by ear as a kid. i’ve been singing and writing songs my whole life. i’m more than qualified for this and i deserve to be treated as such. my sexuality shouldn’t reduce the quality of my work, because i am fucking great at what i do. and i know with the right audience, the right people who understand me, that won’t be the case.

i’m so happy with the success of primadonna because i feel like, for the first time in maybe years, i’ve found an audience that actually appreciates my craft and perspective. and the song is about the deepest heartbreak i’ve ever experienced. it’s my first time talking about it in my work since my loss and it’s surrounded by one of my favorite genres.

i did next to no promo on twitter. i just played my music and built my world, and the world is coming to me day-by-day. it’s more than deserved; i’ve earned that. i’ve felt very misunderstood for a long time, but i think i specifically felt it when i dropped the penthouse and was told over and over again via fan reviews that i was “saying nothing”. i was saying a whole damn lot and it’s not my fault that it was lost on certain people because they chose to view me one dimensionally. that’s just the life of making art, i guess! and that’s okay. but it’s shown me what i really want as an artist, and that’s to be at the very least understood.

it’s also not lost on me that artists that are aware of me continue to look the other direction. no endorsements. no support. well, except taeyong and that’s HUGE, super super excited and grateful for that. but i’m speaking more on artists in my specific genre. and that part isn’t owed to me, but it would be nice to feel seen by peers. especially when they’ve received the same treatment. but we know that majority of gay artists are often scoffed at and overlooked. look at the way they were talking about khalid just weeks ago. a very verrryy talented artist that’s so established, reduced for simply embracing who he is. maybe i’m just meant to walk alone until i’m undeniable. i’m okay with that, but feeling this alone in it really does sting.

all of that being said, i am very grateful for my place right now. my boyfriend is insanely talented, sweet, and supportive. two artists being together could be tricky for some, but we seem to be in such a good place. i love him and im so happy we support each other in all things. this is the first single we’ve made together and look at the results. i think our love really poured out into the track, and i’m excited to do more with him both for my project and his. i’m grateful for my distribution team, who really does see my vision so clearly and stands by me even in the smallest way, behind the scenes. i’m also really really grateful for the fans that support me & reallly understand me. i feel really hopeful for the future of gay musicians with people like them surrounding me. and until i’m undeniable, i thank them every day for their support and understanding. none of this is possible without them.

with all of that being said… primadonna is out now. thank you for 40k+ streams in 2 days. this is a success i’ve dreamed of for so long. i hope you carry the song with you in your daily life and feel so much joy with me by your side, even in this small capacity. i’m grateful to be a part of your lives.

with love, michael medrano