Being raped taught me my place
Since Iâve had several requests to share my experience, Iâll just write this here instead of repeating it over and over.
About 7 years ago a guy I had known for a long time and dated raped me in his car. We had been good friends for a long time, or I thought we were, but things changed when we began dating.
He wasnât the nice person I once knew. He looked at me and treated me coldly. Sex was new to me around this time, and I didnât know the things he did, wasnât ânormalâ. After awhile of feeling uncomfortable I decided to break up with him.
Tried to be his friend again and things seemed fine like before but a little off. I brushed it off as just awkwardness after a breakup. But that all changed again when I needed a ride home from a friends party.
He was there of course, small place, everyone knows everyone. I wanted to leave early, drank very little wasnât even wasted but I wanted to leave and was about to walk home.
He pulls up and seemingly concerned asked to take me home. He had been in a better mood toward me lately and the awkwardness had just about faded. So I didnât think twice to take his offer.
I was tired. And thought I was safe. That I was ok. I fell asleep.
Woke up in the backseat face down, pants around my ankles being raped by him. As I woke up and realized this was happening of course I tried to stop him. He only pushed his weight on me harder. Remember him laughing and grunting behind me and how I struggled. At some point I began to panic and passed out again from stress and breathing heavily. Woke up again and he was still raping me. Holding a crowbar close to my head, he noticed I woke up and started laughing again. He mocked my weakness, grabbed my hair pulling my head off the backseat asking why I stopped fighting. All I could manage to say was, why are you doing this to me? And all he said was, âwhy not?â
But he was right. I was weak. When I woke up again I just laid there. There was nothing I could do. I just laid there. Felt my body get thrusted against the seat over and over, fast or quick slow hard jolts, however he wanted. My mind was just gone. Felt everything and nothing all at once. All I could do was, lay there.
After the whole thing I thought a lot about it. Hated him. Hated myself. Hated myself even more when I discovered the only way I could get off was remembering it. But I realized finally it was good for me and I deserved it. And he deserved it too. Iâm happy it happened. I could go on for hours about history and how this is nothing new. This has been happening forever. Itâs just we for some reason care these days. I donât know why. The way I think doesnât belong in this world. But anyway, thatâs a while other discussion.
theartofmadeline
blakekathryn
areudirty
