Your Auntie Natasha

An Agony Aunt, here to help you with anything you need help with. Simply send me an ask and I can help you! Anonymous asks welcome.

[yourauntienatasha]

Hi everyone! Your Auntie Natasha is here to help you with anything that’s troubling you.

You don’t need to be embarrassed about asking for help; anything you are going through is valid and you totally deserve help! <3

Thank you, and I am looking forward to helping as many people as I can!

[yourauntienatasha]

Hi auntie,

three years ago I dated this guy. we’re a year and a bit apart. i’m older. i’m also secretly trans. Every time we get drunk, we end up making out or at least cuddling- and we’ve both acknowledged that. I asked if he wanted to go to coffee, that way we could talk about this… mess? but he hasn’t responded. I’m not like, really romantically into him but i’m touch starved as fuck so i let it happen.

Also worth noting- we go to a conservative private school where rich assholes run the social world. They’d rip us apart if they heard.

Sincerely,

Awkward.

Hi Awkward,

Thank you for writing to me, I’ll do my best to help you out.

So, firstly, I think that if you aren’t really romantically into this guy, maybe you should think about finding another person to give you affection instead, as giving and receiving affections to and from someone who you don’t feel too strongly about is possibly not the best way to do things. Or perhaps another outlet altogether. As for his lack of response to your request, if you ever meet up again or even bump into each other by chance, you could ask him then. If you don’t or he says no, don’t worry. There are other ways you can receive affections and feel loved (which I am assuming is what you want).

Feeling touch starved sucks. It can leave you desperate to find affection from anywhere, even if it isn’t healthy (in my experiences). If there is someone that you like (at your school or otherwise), I would suggest perhaps trying to form a relationship with them, even just a friendly one, as you can still get affection from a friend (hugs etc) if that’s what you need. I understand that due to your school this may not be possible, but if you can, try and meet people outside of school, as not everyone who lives where you do is likely to share the same opinions. There are a number of ways you could do this, for example: you could ask your parents/guardians if you could attend classes (dance, art, cookery, sports; it could be anything) as this is a great way to meet new people. Or you could find a new hobby, or join a club at school which you deem to be more accepting. You could even start your own new club! That would be a great way to meet people and have friends who are interested in the same things as you, and who share the same opinions etc. This way, you’ll be sure to find friends in no time, who will be able to give you hugs and whatever else you need.

A note on your school: I think it would be best, if your parents/guardians are supportive, to come out as trans at home, that way you can live your true self in at least one major part of your life. If this isn’t possible, perhaps try to subtly appear as more your desired gender or even androgynous is that’s what you’d like. If it’s safe to do so, you could style your hair a different way, or wear more trousers/skirts/other clothes as desired. That way, you have at least one place where you can escape to to be your true self, as I understand that probably won’t be possible at school.

As for getting affection regularly, from what you’ve told me I could probably guess that your parents/guardians don’t give you affections (hugs, kisses etc) on a regular basis, and so you’re keen to find a safe space where you can feel loved and cared for. If you already have friends, try explaining to them your touch starved situation, and I’m sure that if they’re good people they’ll understand and help you in any way that you need. If not, again, if you don’t feel you can form a romantic relationship, see if you can find some different friends, some that do or don’t go to your school. It’s up to you. If their parents/guardians say it’s okay, you can go round to their houses or meet up at neutral spaces like a cafe in town. Perhaps here you can find a safe space to be yourself. Again, if they are true friends, they’ll understand when you explain your touch-starved situation, and they’ll do their best to give you what you need. If they don’t, keep trying. I understand that it can be difficult to make new friends, as I am a very introverted person myself, but what I like to do is just say hello to people. Like if you’re at a club at school or a class, just say hi to someone. Smile at them. Ask them their name and tell them yours. If you don’t want to do this, you could just jump straight in and ask their opinion on something. For example, if you like Doctor Who, you could ask their opinion on the show, and if they like it then that’s great, if they don’t you could ask them what their favourite show/movie is. Making friends doesn’t have to be all about big gestures; just start small and see where it gets you. Hopefully then you’ll be able to find your people, the people who love you and get you and can give you affections when you need them.

By the way, just to clarify, I’m not suggesting to find friends just so that they can give you affection. Friends will help you in other ways; they’ll make you feel loved and wanted and safe. In my experience, this is a wonderful feeling that really helps mental health in general. And I’m not just saying that! :)

Thank you again for writing to me, Awkward, and I really hope you find what you’re looking for and that my advice helps. If this hasn’t been helpful, feel free to tell me so and I can see what other advice I could give you. Don’t hesitate to contact me again if you need any more help.

All the best,

Auntie Nat :)