I am over 400lbs. Many people think that being this fat is the ‘easy option’ in life, or a product of sheer laziness. It is not. It takes constant mental and physical effort, it is a kind of warped dedication that most people cannot understand and would not endure. I keep eating more when I am already uncomfortably full, I restrict my activities because I wouldn’t have the energy to do them, I have sacrificed parts of my social life because I can’t keep up with my friends. Sure, a lot of it comes naturally at this point, but I am still making choices every day that my body does not want me to make. I have chosen to be fat. I make no excuses or mindless decisions, I have no delusions or medical conditions.
Why then? Why choose this struggle? Because it’s worth it. Obviously, I get to enjoy delicious food in quantities and combinations most never will. Yet, it’s about so much more than the pleasure of eating (though I love it dearly). I get to feel the ecstatic satisfaction of a stuffed stomach every day. I get to feel the soft, doughy goodness of my body everywhere I go. I get to be a warm, cuddly blanket for a partner everywhere we go- I get to embrace and envelop them with my fat, to feel our heartbeats fuse together as their vibrations send ripples through my jiggling body.
Everywhere I go, I am forced to live with strangers looks of judgement or disgust. That doesn’t bother me though, I am not ashamed. They mean nothing to me, they are strangers to me. And what are a strangers thoughts worth compared to those of an admirer’s? The look of longing, love, joy, and lust in a partner’s eyes will never not be worth it to me.