I got ready for work still getting over the cold I’ve been fighting the past couple days. You were laying on the right side of the bed looking at the cracked Android you had. I leaned down to kiss you.
If I knew, I would have taken my time.
I’d run my fingers through your hair, taking each strand between my fingers.
I’d bring my hand down to the side of your cheek feeling the stubble on my palms.
I’d kiss you harder and deeper, memorizing each line of your lips.
The warmth of them, like running your hands under hot water after being out in the snow.
I’d look into your brown eyes, almost black
“I love you” I’d say. My whole heart in each word.
I’d smile at you one last time hoping that will be the last picture you have of me etched into your brain.
I still hope you think of me that way.
That day was no different than usual. On my feet, weaving through my clients sterling silver hair. Wash, blow dry, repeat.
Driving home I almost called you, wondering if you were still in bed waiting to see me walk through the door.
Waiting to hug me, waiting to love me.
The cobalt blue 2000 Honda wasn’t parked by the driveway. I felt an anger inside of me at that moment. Why weren’t you home? I felt like you were never home anymore.
The anger subsided when I walked into our room and it was empty. There were no more flags on the wall and the ps4 was gone. It now felt empty.
Thinking you just went to sell more of your stuff that you always did, I called wondering when you’d be home.
“Did you move out?” I chuckled at the thought.
“I’m moving back to Colorado. I’m leaving.”
Pressing the hang up button was second nature at this point when I was was angry. You always knew I didn’t handle my emotions well.
I came back to earth and I called again.
He was gone. I was alone.
Collapsing to the floor in my living room my mom bent down to throw her arms around me.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think.
I felt that feeling you get when you’re at a party and all you want is to be curled up in bed watching tv. I wanted to be home.
But I had no home. He walked out that door and didn’t come back.
Tears streaming down my face, a pain in my chest I cried out “I just want to die.”
I went from planning a wedding to wanting a funeral in a matter of minutes.
The love of my life tossed me aside like I was a piece of lint on your clothes, that leaf that falls into your hair on your walk.
There was only one thought running in my mind.
There was nothing for me. How could the person I fell asleep with every night leave me so easily?
The person that held me when my dog died, the one that held my hair when I drank too much green apple vodka, the one I shared every inch of my body and soul to.
That soul never came back. It walked out that door after kissing you and never returned.
These past few years have felt like a dream I can’t wake up from. I don’t feel real.
Is this an alternate universe?
I look at old pictures and I don’t see myself. I see a girl full of hope, love, and so excited for the future.
I don’t have that excitement anymore. You took it away.
I still see you when I smell pumpkin candles; they used to be my favorite.
I still can’t be in a stable relationship without me falling apart. Every breathe they take, if it’s slightly uneven, im scared I’m going to lose them.
Im scared I’ll never be good enough.
Im scared no one will look at me the way you did when you got down on one knee.
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