servus

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[yourpaldeej]

thank you for helping me collect data for my honors thesis by filling out this anonymous survey - it takes about 15 mins

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[yourpaldeej]

[yourpaldeej]

[yourpaldeej]

[yourpaldeej]

[hotchilipeppers]

wednesday april 1st 2020

i have missed an eternity of school

i eat only canned food

i think only of something i can’t see,

something that can decimate those i care for

but who do i care for? my friends?

are they really my friends if i have to see them every day to feel any sort of connection to them?

are they really my friends if they never reach out?

if they never return my calls?

if i’ve always felt alone when i’m with them?

do i care about my family? what even is a family?

should i be tiptoeing around if they’re really my family?

should i feel like an outsider if we share blood?

maybe blood is all we share, my blood,

running from my nose, oozing from my ankles, pouring from my wrists, my blood,

that you are wiping from your knuckles and cleaning from that knife that you’ve used, and will use again to litter my back in scars that i’m ashamed to wear

am i eating too much canned food? should i weigh myself again?

is this the only way to pass the time? is this all wasted time?

all i can do is wait

wait for another news update to confirm my fears

wait for an announcement to tell me that all of my efforts have been for nothing.

i will never leave this family that leaves me isolated with their laughter.

i will never escape this illusion of friendship.

i will never reach that airport that will take me to the one thing that has been keeping from ending it all

but it all was never that much anyway

[yourpaldeej]

[yourpaldeej]

getting ready for the season

[yourpaldeej]

i hope you’re all having an extraordinary day

[yourpaldeej]

german midterm tomorrow & picking up my german exchange student tonight

[yourpaldeej]

school is bad but at least the music is good

[yourpaldeej]

studying is taking over my life

[yourpaldeej]

chemical equations and crying

[yourpaldeej]

it’s midnight and i feel like i should be doing something cooler than doing calculus in my basement and listening to the beatles

[yourpaldeej]

yes, i am somehow* still alive

[yourpaldeej]

i have been studying for days on end and it’s not cute

[yourpaldeej]

i was tryna take these pics and it was so windy