Ex bsf...
It has only been 28 days, yet it feels like forever.
I have written you poem upon poem. I have traced my fingers through your hair and smelled your scent too many times. At points when I try so hard to forget, I still smell the faintest aroma of your room. From the clothes you lent me to the hair clip you left in my dresser. I seem to find a trace of you in everything, so perhaps forgetting is a useless task.
I know you were like poison to me, and I was the same for you. But together we were bittersweet. So tell me...When did you become so soley bitter? Frequent messaging shifted to sudden phone calls for favors and late debate. Seeing each other every weekend was replaced by holiday visits. Quiet Holidays. Where you didn't seem like yourself. When I asked about your health, you said, "Life is too exhausting. I would like to sleep." I begged you to stay, I tried to be present, I comforted you every single time you were tempted by the peace of sleep. I put you before my health. My family. My community. My morals, and only a few times was it returned. I stole so many hours of my life to aid you in recovering. And still now, I do not regret any of it. But where was that same energy when I was fading? I never spoke of my pain, yet you never asked about the wounds you could see on my face.
I am not perfect, I am not even close. I do not wish to paint you as an antagonist. You are not. You are just pain buried within me that I am hoping to heal from. Often, the people who love you the most are the ones capable of so much harm. At first sight, you were an angel. And I spoke about you as a descendant of Christ himself. I wrote page after page thanking you for saving my life from the depths of hell. And you were as such. But something shifted over the years we knew each other as well as blood siblings- I still do not have knowledge to this day as to what caused you so much trouble in your mind. I wish even now to abolish it. Whatever it is. It turned you into someone horrid.
You started to use such vulgar and oppressive language. I was left after each phone call with such confusion and anxiety. I could not sleep or eat. I thought: "If my very own sister could not support the scientific morals with which we are in tune, what was benefiting either of our growth?" I pushed that thought away for so long. I would stay up late, convincing myself of false reassurance. "But she said she had changed..She must just be having a hard time. I need to let it go." So let it go, I did. Only to be slapped in the face with the same hurt from before. I took hits over and over and over, and I still told others it was love. It was not love. How could you claim to love me, yet preach the very opposite of love and empathy? On which terms does love exhort such behaviour?
I had to leave. I did not want to. Oh, gods...How much I DO not want to. But deep down, I know it is better for me this way. And I hope you grow to find other people who care about you as deeply as I did. I wish for you to find a person who worships you for who you are. But please, do not disclose the proposal of "change" to another if you do not plan on following through with it. Farewell.
@yourradioboi xx #poetry #poet #exbsf #bestfriend #ex #imissyou #goodbye #bsfbreakup #toxicrelationship