[yoursecondbest]

Maybe it's time.

Time to wake up from this dream.

Time to accept the truth.

It hurts yes but it's for the best.

[yoursecondbest]

Hindi ko alam if this is the right place where I should put my feelings into words. I tried to write on papers but my hand gets easily tired of writing and I'm lost of words. But here, its goes smoothly. I have questions on my mind. Questions I don't know how to answer. I thought I'm ok. But I am not really ok. I'm tired. I'm still in pain, and worst I am not hopeful anymore. I have decided to forgive and forget everything he did. But I know that I don't really forgive him cause I still can't forget what he did. Especially when I feel like nothing has really change, he's still the same person three years ago.He do things he did three years ago. He's always on his phone. He ignores me when I ignore him. He doesn't have time for us even on weekends. He doesn't plan things for us... And that I realized, HE NEVER LOVE ME. He really don't love me now, since three years ago. I still remember everything he did. The video of them in the fastfood restaurant, all there conversations, all the pictures when they were still committed, his gifts to her, his love letter, the stuff toy, the screenshots,even the customization of the audience in your Facebook... It hurts me so bad. I don't really know how to forgive him. If only he is consistent and reassuring, if only he makes plan and dreams for our family, if only he makes time for us.

If only I can totally forgive... But I guess it will take time for me to forgive and forget...

[yoursecondbest]

No one will notice when I'm gone.

[yoursecondbest]

Failure as a daughter (wasn't able to help them renovate the house)

Failure as a teacher ( poor, rich in loans, until now teacher 1 pa lang, teaching in different subject area)

Failure as a mother (everytime my daughters are sick, everytime they cry and I cannot give them a comfy life)

Failure as a wife (when my husband cheated on me)

Failure as God's child ( when I can't go to church, and I keep on repeating myself sins)

Failure as a sister ( I cannot help them, when they disrespect me)

Such a FAILURE ME.

[yoursecondbest]

#pleasepleaseplease

[yoursecondbest]

With everything that happened,

I concluded something,

One thing is for sure,

Old feelings are gone,

The love and attraction were not mutual anymore,

He did it because he doesn't care,

I was blinded by love to know it as well,

It was so long ago, I knew he changed.

Atleast now I know where to put myself there,

Never to ask, when you actually know the answer.

I'll stay but not for myself nor for my feelings,

I'll stay for my daughters,

Yet away from him.

Maybe we are better off together,

Just parents not lover.

#itendshere

[yoursecondbest]

Totoo pala yung nababasa ko sa mga pocketbooks noon,

Sa mga nakikita ko sa telebisyon noon,

Totoo pala...

Ang sakit pala.

Yun bang hindi ka makahinga,

Nakakatulala,

Nakakapanliit.

Una, bakit nga ba ginawa?

Dahil laro lang naman, joke lang naman,

Hindi eh diba,

Nakakapanghina,

Ganto pala yung naramdaman nila,

Ang sakit pota,

Hindi ko na alam,

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dapat gawin,

I just want to know the truth,

So I know how to put this end.

#cheater

[yoursecondbest]

You held a flame inside you...

A zeal person you were...

People get intimidated with your mere presence...

Brave heart yet gentle soul,

Witty and clever ...

The braided evening gown...

The thin sheet that covers down....

Visage with rosy touch...

Maybe slouch yet proud...

Radiant force she had, was all you can ask...

Benevolent, protector,loving and an anchor...

Those were you for us, since before, now, and forevermore.

Mommy Z... ❤

(I'm not going not because I don't love you nor that I don't care, I just can't take the pain and weight seeing you opposite to the person I once knew... I want to live my days remembering you alive and kicking not as someone enclosed in a box, I'm still in the midst of absorbing things and I can only receive fragments of reality...I never thought it will be that painful. I miss you. To the last granny I had... I love you. 😢❤)

#DeathAnniversaryMommyZ #JulyEight

[yoursecondbest]

[yoursecondbest]

2023 I say, is the most traumatizing year for me.

From the month I came back from my maternity leave to the hassle of work ethics,

I was frozen.

Post partum, anxiety and depression,

Those three are the lingering possibilities,

I don't understand myself,

I don't know who I was,

I was lost.

Sleepless nights, paperworks at day,

Aching body, becoming ugly,

Inevitable changes, fading relationships,

With all these,

I was suffocated.

Responsibilities never stops,

Never the less, but became demanding,

I search and look, I carried as much as weight there in,

It was so tiring.

I made mistakes, I trust myself too much,

I gave everything I am,

Left nothing to myself,

Several times I panic,

Always in the edge,

I was helpless.

Ending the year not myself anymore,

Wishing to be better, and yet I doubt

Taught me a lot about people and stuff,

Blood is indeed thicker than water,

Wrong use of money is the root of all evil,

Another year unfolds,

Another chance to take,

Another gambling to make,

Another dreams to fulfill,

Plans hoping to prosper,

Pain waiting to end,

Wounds to be mended,

Relationship to store,

Dreams to ponder,

I am praying.

May the Lord give me another chance.

Just like how He carried me throughout 2023.

May I found Him more this year,

From the work I do, from the person I am now,

From the people around me...

May the trauma heals.

May I find peace.

May I finally be free. 🙏

#2023realization #2024Countdown #PeaceHealing #freedom

[yoursecondbest]

The Lost Star

I wanted to come up with a poem to tell and yet here I am typing these words as swiftly as I can, never really know what to write but only those rushing words from my mind that seems flowing down my arms then to my hands and finally to the keyboard that my fingers touch...

yeah, I think I was and still am, a lost star.

I hope someday I can be that star that someone looks into that vast black curtain of glitters and sparks... I hope someone will point his finger and say "that's my star", and will be sad if I am nowhere to be found.

while writing these things down, the picture of my daughters face smiling ang glowing flashed on my mind and from that moment, I know...

I was once a lost star,

but now found by the brightest star shines beside me...

You are never really lost, as long as there is still a light...

you will find yourself back, to the brightest star you set your heart to.

[yoursecondbest]

I was 14 when my mom decided to get married. That was also the start of my experiences being an "ATE". I thought its no different of having a brother, I actually have a brother 3 years younger than me. Our age gap might be the reason why we didn't get along that much when we were kid. So, this was all about my feelings, happiness and struggles of being the "ATE".

I was in third year high school or juniro year when my mom had a baby girl, and then after a year another girl... So I have younger sisters during that time. I experienced washing tons of clothes, that was the start of me washing mountains of clothes for a family with 3 adults and 4 kids. Then, after two years, I went back to my province for college, where I lived with my grandmother in my antie's house. I was free from washing mountains of clothes that time. Then,after a year my mom decided to go home, and guess what, having a third baby, so i have 3 younger sisters for 3 consecutive years... Then, I lived with them. I was in college that time. I came back with washing mountains of clothes again, then baby sitting my sisters, until after 3 years another baby sister came, and it was a very tiring years of our life of course... Unstable financially, and sometimes I can't go to school because I have no money for a fare... and if I go...I sometimes don't eat snacks with my friends cause my pocket is empty. Yet, worst of all... i never had the chance to enjoy my college years, not ofcourse the time I spent it with my friends... I never had a chance to go on a sleep over... I missed those times... Or even a swim with my friends... My mom didn't allow me for she feared of my safety, but that was college duh...I wanted to say that I'm not a kid anymore but I can't....I let go... Those experiences made me decide to get out of the town once I'm done studying... And I did...

And honestly, I don't want to go back in that place... To the place where I never felt safe and happy eversince my mom got married...

Don't get me wrong...I love my siblings.. they are like my babies... But I was just shocked with all those things happened to me in the past, its like, I think I never really enjoyed my childhood and teenage life...

Now I have my own family, own house, own life, yet we end up still living together. Again, don't get me wrong... I'm happy I'm with them... They're grown up and they can do chores too, but not everything so I'm back at washing tons of clothes again, cleaning all the mess and now doing their school works...

I'm saying these because I'm exhausted and sometimes broken...especially when my mom keeps on comparing me to others who were able to give their parents a better life, constructed or renovated their house... saying if I didn't married early I might do those things too... She just doesn't know that it was that situation I was in that pushed me to leave and find the comfort and safety I didn't felt with them...

Now, we're financially unstable for having a big family... and for mishandling money... I'm tired with all these financial problems... Tired of my situation...

The safety and comfort I thought I'll have with my husband is inch by inch fading now... I guess, I never really good at anything in my life... 😔😔😔

[yoursecondbest]

What if?

What if....

Just...

What if...

[yoursecondbest]

Who is she? ❤️

Welcome back to Instagram. Sign in to check out what your friends, family & interests have been capturing & sharing around the world.

[yoursecondbest]

[yoursecondbest]

?

The poem I have to write,

Is full of how and whys,

The feelings I have within,

To whom and till when.

Thus this poem shall start,

To a man I trust and love,

The man I seek when I was little,

The man behind those birthday cards.

The villain of our life's story,

The hero I waited for years,

The man I grew up wishing,

The man who keeps my heart breaking.

When I was a kid I pray and wish,

To see him, was one from my bucket list,

To hold him was what I always dream,

To have him in my life was my bliss,

But things were different as you get older they say,

Hopes and wishes were no longer be a way,

You knew some dreams are hard to reach,

One way or another you have to cease.

But why do this heart won't wary,

Why do a light upholds,

Why do I still bother,

Why do I long for his call?

To answer how this feelings ponder,

Are the questions hard to wonder,

How can you love and loathe the same,

The person who left you in vain.

In secret we search for a way to him,

Hoping it would ease the pain,

But only to rub salt on thy wounds,

He finally move on while we're left in the woods,

A little fellow drew a smile on his face,

Asking ourselves what we don't have,

And then I realized what we both missed,

From that I've decided to be at peace,

To see someone you care so delighted,

Both joy in your heart and dagger too,

Absence and hatred won't cover,

Letting his go is the answer,

To end this poem is a lost of words,

But flooding emotions are still the worst,

Still I hope I never wish,

And yet left with the question of "what if?". -P

Lilycat04❤️

[yoursecondbest]

My Masterpiece ❤️