Make Something, Move On

Welcome.This is my diary.Please read between any lines you see.I draw quite a few of them. anxious • cold

[oohyuck]

I messed up my original drawing so I drew this little fish over the top of it !!

art by me (oohyuck)

[artbylittlebug]

[cutecipher]

there's art inside me trying to get out

[eggsdoodz]

all we have is time ͙͘͡★

[yourstruly-m]

6/10/26

I am always anxious when i invite someone new into my home. This person is no different. I spent a couple of hours yesterday tidying my spaces. I remembered they said they like places that are clean, and I want them to feel comfortable in my apartment.

We sit on my couch and I fold up to give them a respectful distance. They almost backed out of meeting with me because they were so anxious, and I don't want to push it. We talked about crafts and I showed them how to bind the zines I've been making. We each bind two and talk about art and what we want to make. They are trapped in perfectionism. I feel like that is a theme that will echo through the rest of them.

An anxious silence falls. I ask if I can touch them. I put my hand on their thigh and ask how they're feeling. They say they feel good. They asked if they can kiss me. I am usually the person asking that to other people, and I'm not expecting the question. I say, "yes please."

They are really good kisser. I move my hand to the back of their neck and they whimper. I pull their hair and they gasp. Already, my fingertips are tingling. We make out on my couch and I climb on top of them. They melt underneath me and it feels really good. I kiss and lightly nip at their neck and they make small, soft noises that make the base of my neck feel warm.

We move to my bed and slowly explore each other's bodies. We communicate really well in sighs and moans and breaths. We take off our shirts and my mouth waters looking at their arms and shoulders. I can't wait to get them between my teeth.

They ask if they can kiss my feet and my heart leaps into my throat. I am still learning what the area of my body means for my own pleasure. But, as they kiss and gently bite, shockwaves of sensation roll through my body. My favorite thing about having sex with people older than I am is that they will often intuit exactly how I want to be pleasured.

Afterwards, I rub their back. And their neck, and their shoulders, and their arms and hands. They seem to really enjoy it. I love doing this for people, but part of me worries I do it as an apology for making them spend time with me. I think a bigger part of me just likes making others feel good.

As they put on their shoes to leave, I pressed them against the door and kiss them. I thanked them for coming over. Tentatively, we have scheduled our next meetings out as weekly for the entire summer. I am so excited to get to know them more.

I already am craving them between my teeth again.

[aidashakur]

[yourstruly-m]

6/8/26

I miss what we used to do. I miss curling our bodies together and feeling the warmth and weight and pressure of him against my own.

I feel like I’m not allowed to. But sinfully, I am allowing myself the grace to miss the good parts. I think I miss those more than I miss him, himself.

These days I am feeling hurt, loneliness, pain, as nausea. It’s new. I am going to talk about that at therapy tomorrow. I think my body is trying to tell me something I am not tuned into the frequency of yet.

I think about us laying naked together and feel something acidic in my throat. I think about his lips on mine and my salivary glands fill my mouth with spit like they do right before I throw up.

The memory hurts but does me no harm.

[yourstruly-m]

6/8/26

We have a love built on years. There is no one else who has seen so many versions of me.

How foolish have I been to think I am ever undeserving of love.

[yourstruly-m]

6/7/26

"you can call me Bunny" he says, and my heart skips a beat.

He does not know that I used to call someone else by that name.

but it suits this new person so much better.

[yourstruly-m]

6/6/26

I am in a lyft on my way home from work. I worked for 12 hours today. There is a feeling of being unmoored, adrift. I am disassociating through actions and my tummy is upset. I feel dehydrated, but I have trouble drinking more water.

The light pollution of the city bounces off the clouds and there is a hazy patchwork of grey clouds against the sky. The sky is the same shade of blue I imagine the midnight zone of the ocean looks like.

My head is tired. I hope I can pay my bills this month.

[rarestsparkle]

i recommend telling yourself “this isn’t an experience i want to keep having” and stop entertaining things that are really detrimental to your health and don’t benefit you in anyway.

[mote-of-ash]

Ignore the spiral pattern in my eyes im fine and normal

[janerra-ava]

"Out of Step" by Patrick Taberna

[yourstruly-m]

6/5/26

Impulsively, we met again. We have both been very busy, and I leapt at the chance to see her. We drove to hers and talked for an hour. Time moves differently in her apartment. It is a place of such warmth and coziness that I find myself in liminal space. We went to her bedroom and parsed out what we wanted to do for the night. She rolled out her plush floor mats and invited me onto the ground. She rubbed my back, and while behind me wrapped her arms around my shoulders and my neck. It felt possessive, and immediately, I felt small. I dropped.

Melting into her feels like the easiest thing in the world. It is unnerving to me how easy it is. I tell her I want to worship her, I want to make her feel beautiful. I am so thankful to have someone I can be so unashamedly submissive around. She guides me, and I feel like I am water and she is a riverbed.

She has me look her in the eyes while I eat her out. I really, really dislike doing that. But I can tell she likes the power. And in the moment, the most important thing in the world is to give her power. I make little noises that feel so natural and expressive. Sexually, we communicate well.

Worshiping her comes easily to me. She asked me to top a little bit, and out of submission I oblige. But my confidence has not yet recovered from the events of the last few weeks, and I feel shaky. She asked me to lay on top of her and I do. Submission turns me into a different version of myself. I’m still parsing out what that means.

She fucks me until my brain is mush. I lose track of how many times I cum. She puts her whole hand inside of me and it feels possessive, like ownership. I think she would not like that. I relish it.

We talk for two hours afterwards. “we have a good thing going” she says. We talked through some scary parts of each other and I leave with a new way of identifying things I feel. It is strange, our relationship, but I am happy for what I have of her. She says she would be worried if I asked for more. I always live in fear of asking too much from people. The fear of abandonment stalks beneath the surface of my consciousness like a mosasaurus.

I have been craving making out with someone for days. She and I, habitually, do not really kiss. I think that, unfortunately, is something that keeps me able to do this. As much as I really like kissing her.

But we kiss when she drops me off. I asked “can I kiss you” but as soon as the words were out of my mouth, her lips were on mine. The first kiss was slow, and for the second one she put her hand on the back of my head and pushed me so gently into her. We don’t kiss much. It felt really good.

[yourstruly-m]

6/4/26

Lonely.

I miss the warmth of another person. I miss making out with someone who’s actually good at it. I want to be touched.

My feet are cold.

[katelouisepowell]

‘Feast For Precious Hearts’ 🕸🍒🕊🌺🌬

An illustrated tribute to the flora and fauna of Joanna Newsom’s song lyrics, commissioned by fellow superfan Ellie

[antiqueanimals]

Pintail Pursuit at Sunrise. Peter Markham Scott (1909-1989). Oil on canvas. Dated 1987.