greenhouse of feeling

hi guys! so, im not totally sure how this blog is gonna work yet but i'm posting my poetry here anyways enjoy the ride

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

i cannot let my mouth stay idle

i want it sucking gulping smiling

i want it stuffed with something vital

i want it puffing out smoke

and as i count down all the hours

as i stick on a pricy vinyl

i want one more chance of revival

i want laughter and ocasional sours

i want a field with an old oak

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

my first love is a city that makes you sick

i start with tremor and a heavy knee

stumble up all the way to greater sadness

and climb into the eagle's beak.

for all my childish wrecks and madness

for being too quiet with my plea

for useless talks with local merchants

for foundation that needed botching

for wanting to go 'cross the sea

i'm rewarded with room, but not to breathe,

to think

of the ungrateful child

who kicks off shoes and climbs up on the gutter

who lets out smoke into the night

who's relatives all want to mutter

who cannot help but to run wild

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

and once again, i cave and i indugle

in little weaknesses that help me remain sane

his kisses, sighs, sneaks to the rooftop once or thrice

not worrying about ending with a scorch,

so long as i have no thoughts or champagne

i can survive the ball.

and i may wake up forced to crawl

but still i know that you'll be crawling with me

and still of course my poetry gets steamy,

for i have little to hang on to in this world.

my devil sunset catches in my hair

and child's screams echo through my family home

and it would end like this in space and ancient Rome.

mouth filled with foam,

my mind trying to recollect a prayer.

but your neck met my teeth

however brief.

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

a lighting strikes some place behind the clouds

it's magnificent and metaphoric in a way

i feel like i am breaking out from bounds

while sabotaging my best may

the city's hot and so the ac's on

its wind has occupied my ears

whispers "let's do the cinema, come on!"

"let's act like it's for years"

our youth

i'm sorry. i don't mean to cry from yelling

don't mean to annoy with my passive aggression

please, can we still have a wedding?

i won't handle that type of regression

i guess, i'll abandon. these thoughts by tomorrow

so why am i still overthinking?

i trust you. believe more than in future sorrow

and so peacefully into the world of dreams i'm sinking

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

shaved and showered

a girl sprawled on your bed

me twenty miles away

think i should be bothered

i think i should see red

but it's me that gets you on display

i'm easy to stir up

easier yet to make spiral

or so i thought, until you came along

turns out i'm not syrup

and i'm not a vinyl

it's just that the ones i loved

loved me wrong

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

salt water stuck in my throat and my nose

and my eyes

i feel like falling face down flat on the ice

where's the line between poem and prose

hello,

i am here, i'm so here and i'm staying

can't shut up so i guess that i'm praying

in this hospital-style white glow

i couldn't grasp why i couldn't stay sober

i loathed it, all it made me was lie

the high,

i remember why chased now, is over

i can't breathe, my body's too mine

i am going, i am going to die

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

addicted to everything

and all at once

can't help that i live ten times faster

today my father said

"you'll get it when you're ready"

and i said

"i think i always do too soon"

and he said

"yeah. and i too late"

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

the tap of time is broken

the water dripping out too fast

not shaking, but i'm rocking

from side to side, from dusk to dusk

in quiet my wound's open

and so i break my fast

"you wanna smoke?" my lighter's token

of our sweet and burning past

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

i want us to be vicious sometimes

i feel like it'd be easier that way

bite back, just bite please

not just while under you i lay

scream, then i can scream

we will be even

be bad, so i can be worse yet

i hate how lone i am in all the killin'

destroy me, so that i can win my bet

please be reflection of my madness

don't call my bluff

unless you're ready for the dam to break

i've tried before fighting the helpless

it doesn't have that kick that urges me to wake

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

i’m in his bed, he’s playing at his desk

i promised mother i would do my schoolwork

heavy’s my head, the ceiling’s picturesque

long gone’s my alcoholic friendly smirk

i’m at a party where people heard of me

i promised mother i’d stay sober

jäger with juice, scream songs from the 03

i lost my weed, now my whole life is over

i’m out at night, somebody waiting for me

i promised mother i would be in bed

tired of the fight, they told me to let free

that’s what that looks like, isn’t that just mad?

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

i want you since december

ive loved you since chinese

got you the day of labour

kissed you in victory breeze

i’ll show you waterstones

for now we’re by the fountains

november comes with bones

and hopefully the mountains

november’s ten of hearts

and twenty one in lifetimes

i bet on years for once

and not on months of sad rhymes

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

who’s coming?

oh, that’s just my fall

i’ve seen her flickering on the horizon

after i die they’ll say it did not show

so i’ll state here:

it did, my lights were always on

and my decisions went in no direction

and every time i breathed i cried

and as i watched the breaking of my nation

i wondered, would they care if i died?

my father

promised me greatness and hardships

my siblings left, baring me not

having my last i watched the lone ships

i wished that this entire world would rot

that world, that took away my mother

that world, that placed me so afar

i’ll tell my love “you duck for cover,

they aren’t special, but you are”

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

i can remember the acne scars on her cheeks

were i an artist i could draw her waist from memory

"tell us your first love story" the flashback reeks

of perfume, ESSE. nothing really happened.

they were my first love. now she is my frenemy

i was content to love in the most self-destructive ways

(i still am, i just hide it better)

your mother brought in tea and snacks on trays

i haven't seen her in a while, she doesn't come to town with you

i have her number still. i can't forget her

hours on end we'd sit on your balcony floor

discuss the view, take sexy pictures, speak of London

"tell us your first love story" do i tell about our friendship?

or maybe that one time i slept with her

or about how our sudden stop wasn't that sudden

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

it’s funny to me, how my spiral works

the more control i lose, the harder is my grip

the more i have to tell, the less i text

the less i sleep, the more i slip

since yesterday my phone’s on silent

i still check messages obsessively though

i said “why bother going violent

if there’s no substance to this constant flow?”

and so i checked, waiting for someone’s notice

and it’s okay that no one did

i’ll wait for changing winds to blow this

on being special i have never bid

and what i got was something i could not ignore

followed by hours of that agonising silence

can anybody tell that i want more?

or do they think i wonder through life mindless

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

i understand not much about my nature

but i, like cosmos, evolve towards greater disorder

there’s fire in the hall and kitchen

i’m in a state of little death, cause: murder

i’m sorry i can’t write in our language

trust me, i mourn the loss of russian meter

i don’t think i could say out loud the vows for our marriage

i’ve been obsessed with codes since i was little

so yes, i say “i hate you” and “fuck you”

i say “my dad is home after a night out”

and all it means is “love, i’m cruel

because i do not want my mother’s route

“i’m terrified of you sometimes

because your shouts echo my family dinners

it doesn’t matter what feels right

because it also used to feel right to be here”

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

you're different

you're not as mean as all my visions

and as i smoke i think of you

and all my dreams they suddenly come true

i'm not yet quite at my finish

the shit that i would let you put me through

i'm scared

but i also envy

the bathroom girls,

they always know too much

i don't think i can pull my punch

i am mother of pearls,

you are my baby

and you would fight

though i'd be ready to fight solo

in this case it's both fight and flight

but i ask you to come and then you spend the night

you cuddle me to sleep and i don't touch the joint roller

i wake refreshed after completely sleeping through the night

[yoursunyoumoonandstar]

there is a snowball in my mind

sometimes it melts a bit

like when the summer sun’s too bright

or spring shows a new leaf

sometimes it rolls too fast to focus

that’s when i weep for more

for more to be, for more to give

more things to know for sure

sometimes it doesn’t really roll

but sits there nonetheless

that’s when i’m quietly obsessed

with living and it’s toll

i am so used to it by now

i cannot go without

suspicious fortune, biding time

and journals leather bound

you love as fiercely as you dare

all show in different ways

but i will never feel prepared

to show that i am less