You've Got This

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Where I Am

There are so many things I have wanted to do in my life, but didn't. I have always felt like I wanted to do something BIG, something bigger than myself or bigger than I could even dream up. I always looked at myself as if I wasn't smart enough, rich enough, funny enough, attractive enough, different enough to do something extravagant. I was a slave to those thoughts my whole life. I allowed myself to be. I looked at successful people, or people whom I labeled as successful throughout my life and I noticed patterns in them. Many of them were born into a family of success, following in the parents or grandparents footsteps. Most of them have nearly unlimited resources to work with, money in my mind can’t buy happiness, but it can change your circumstances and effect the type of person you end up being, the skills you possess, etc. There are a lot of people who are doing big amazing things that did not start out with money or with successful parents or families, these people usually have some sort of profound story to share with the world. A near fatal car accident, extreme poverty, extreme abuse, some life changing event that caused them to realize they needed to overcome these things and are now doing amazing things. So now I wonder why I have labeled myself with not being good enough to do whatever I want. I may not be the most attractive, I may not be the funniest, I may not have money, or be as smart as I would like to be, but I am pretty amazing. Do I really need some horrible experience to rattle me and help me see how valuable my life really is? Can I not learn from the tragedy of others and see that I can choose to live this way NOW. Not after some major catastrophe, or life changing moment. I don't have to have the best story, I have had my struggles, but they do not define me. This life is mine, and I am entitled to as much success as I allow myself to have. Achieving my goals will take a lot of work, but the reward is knowing I have done the best I can with what I was given. I came into this world with nothing. I could have been born anywhere, in any circumstance, but this is where I was supposed to be. 

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13 Going On 31..

I remember being 13 and deciding I wanted to start an e-zine. Back in the day when I had first juno email account (no one under the age of 30 probably has any idea what I am talking about) I used my free email address to start a magazine and emailed it weekly to thousands of subscribers that I had gathered. I don’t quite remember how I acquired so many people to officially subscribe to my e-zine, I just remember it kept growing each week and I loved doing it.  I am not even 100% positive that any of my subscribers ever once opened and read it, but I continued anyway for almost a year, that is, until my obsession with the Hanson Brothers subsided a little (the topic of my e-zine) and I moved on to singing Karaoke on my front lawn for fun. At that age I had no worries about anything including 1.) Not having a clue what I was doing 2.) The fact that I had never done anything like that before or known anyone to do anything like that 3.) The fact that I had no permission or way of knowing if any of what I was doing was even legal or if I was doing it correctly 4.) Never wondering what others would think of me or if my e-zine was “good enough” 5.)  Never trying to be better than everyone else, just being myself at all times.....you get the point. My 13 year old self did not have the same insecurities that my 31 year old self continues to entertain. I was having fun writing about something I loved. I was sharing my humor, and knowledge with other fans who might have been dreaming of starting their own e-zine magazine someday. Sometimes I think about that and how proud I am for myself for doing something so bold, and different. This is one of the many reason why I have decided to do this. I want to do this for me. I want to do this for my 13 year old self that would be disappointed if I didn't. Right now, my focus is to start writing again and to find my passion, and how to use it to help others to do the same. I feel that I have so much to offer the world, I am just trying to find a place to start. I am done waiting. 

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Stream of Consciousness

This is not going to be easy. 

It is so hard for me to put myself out there for just anyone to see. Who will read my thoughts? What will they think of me? Why do I care? How do I stop caring? How many people are feeling the same things as me? Could I help them? How can I help them? Can they help me?

What if people I know read this? Will they ask me about it? Will they pretend they never saw it? Will I think every time I see someone I know that they have read all my stuff and feel uncomfortable? Why do I care?  Maybe it will be good for me.... maybe it will be great. Maybe...it will be whatever the fuck I want it to be. Maybe I should be proud of it.

 There is no way I can fail at this. This belongs to me. 

This is scary, which makes it awesome. 

This is all mine, which makes it more awesome. 

Cool. This will be easy.