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Crackling Panic Grape

Are explosive candies funded by the NRA in an attempt to teach our children to love weapons? I'm serious, Crackling Panic Grape was like Chicago in my mouth. The air was 75% bullets.

The weaponized purple shards reminded me a bit of being shot in the face with a Needler. I still have some terrible memories of coming in last place at Halo 2 sleepovers. Their complexity of flavor was enhanced quite a bit by the accompaniment of white, yellow, and red pills. Each color simulated a different flavor of ramune, which is a popular carbonated soft drink that is usually opened by pushing down a marble at the top of the bottle.

TL;DR

Look: Like crystal meth

Feel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwCN_EEioFE

Taste: the danger, baby

Recommend to Friends/Family: Everyone without PTSD should try this candy

Rating: Four nuclear-armed Japans out of Five

Masurou

Despite the swanky aesthetic, this thing is just a marshmallow. It's not my job to sell it, or teach you the history, so I'm going to tell you the facts of the product. It's an ooey gooey rod of that mushy gushy. Some people look at it and see a moustache.

But not me, I look at it and see a marshmallow. It's a gelatinous swoosh of mucilaginous glop. A pillowy stick of springy sludge. It belongs in a smore, or as binding for a rice crispy treat, or in the garbage can. Barely visible to the naked eye.

The product description translates to

"I screwed the fluffy tasty marshmallow in different colors."

which isn't necessarily wrong, but it does lack the modesty I would expect from a marshmallow. There's not much else to say.

TL;DR

Look: Like a swishy baton of sticky icky

Feel: Dude it's a marshmallow

Taste: Sigh

Recommend to Friends/Family: They've probably had a marshmallow before.

Rating: It's fine

#japan #food #review #marshmallow

Mochinodoro // “A Nostalgic Adventure”

A screenplay about this snack:

[Interior: doesn't matter. Day. A shot of an empty room for three hours. Surprise peanut.]

Mochinodoro is extremely boring. The scent is nondescript, and it basically looks and tastes like a fried crouton. The real escapade begins and ends at the bottom of the bag, where the luckiest snackers will find a tiny peanut. This gold nugget at the bottom of the disformed, salty ocean of shitty bread is the only reason I'm still alive. It's the only reason the cavemen and cavewomen left their caves and grunted at each other until language existed. This peanut is a reminder that at the end of a hard day of work, you deserve an attaboy. More on this later.

The packaging is eye catching, and I was surprised to learn that it has not changed since the initial release of the snack in 1976. I read a variety of Amazon.co.jp reviews to try to understand what kind of lunatic would pay for these morsels and consume them on purpose. The overwhelming consensus is that Mochinodoro brings people back in time to their childhoods, when Cold War tensions forced people to sacrifice things, like taste and happiness. Imagine candy shops brimming with rows of packages depicting Japanese laborers, each one containing a slightly unique shape of stale bread. Outside one of the stores, the eyes in a crowd of sad, sad, sad students light up.

Another possible reason Mochinodoro exists is its resemblance to the common homemade snack, agemochi, which also looks like a chopped up churro that was Stinkface'd by a rikishi ("sumo wrestler", and also a sexy WWE professional). Unlike Mochinodoro, agemochi doesn't have a peanut, which is a pretty good indicator that it doesn't need to make up for an utter lack of traits. I'd be interested to try it.

In the end, Peanut has proved to me that the journey is more than the sum of its parts, and there is no better tasting Peanut than one that you've worked your whole life to obtain. Peanut is love, Peanut is life. In Peanut We Trust.

TL;DR

Look: Peanut

Feel: Peanut

Taste: Peanut

Recommend to Friends/Family: Live by the Peanut, Die by the Peanut

Rating: I would be NUTS not to give this a perfect score

#peanut #japan #food #review

Texas Corn - Fried Chicken (taste)

I never imagined that cracking open a bag of the infamous Texas Corn - Fried Chicken (taste) would feel as good as it did today.

Is it because the processed scent of salt and tuna that squirted into the air pleased my senses?

Hard to say for sure, but all smells point to probably not. However, I am happy to embark on a new season of my life where I am fortunate enough to sample the world's offerings. This month on the chef's table, I'm exploring the wondrous world of dagashi, a wide selection of cheap Japanese candies and snacks. This terminology originated from a combination of the Japanese words da ("negligible") and kashi ("snacks"). Be that as it may, today's snack is nothing to be ignored.

Swirling aromas of stale Japanese sea air lock me into my seat. The captain crashes his ship onto the shore of Oshima Island, his impatience reaching an absolute maximum. Running down the beach in slow motion, Cap'n sheds his coat as he arrives at a dilapidated yurt. He knocks once, twice, three times. Faster than his human eyes could perceive, the door flashes open and they are together again. Chester is cradled in his arms, wrapped around his abrasive, nonuniform physique. Cap'n Crunch catches his breath and pushes Chester back, warning him that he might accidentally get niku ekisu funmatsu ("meat extract powder") everywhere if he gets too excited. On brand, the cheetah responds very quickly that it will be okay, because it will go well with his kōn ("corn") and shīfūdoekisu-sue ("seafood extract powder"). In this moment, a junk food is conceived.

Texas Corn - Fried Chicken (taste) is everything its name promises it to be, except it wasn't made in Texas, and it doesn't have any flavors of Fried Chicken. As you might have guessed, Texas Corn - Fried Chicken (taste) is a very close relative of corn puffs, or unflavored cheeto puffs. They explode into dusty salt clouds, crunch like dry gravel, and stick to your fingers, begging you to lick them for more fishy delight. At the size of a nickel, the average puppy could fit eight to twelve of these bad boys into a single bite. And I would absolutely recommend it, if not for the dangers of getting their face stuck in the puppy-face sized bag. This snack food has a distinctly American feel to it, where its true depth of flavor isn't available until you fill your mouth until you can't breathe.

Unfortunately, the endearing packaging that depicts a hungry butler boy does not match the contents. For this reason I have to ask, why, Matsuyama Seika, would you create such an innocent fictional character to have him march home and serve fishy cheetos to his family, instead of the KFC his grandmother gave him money for? Is your marketing team full of sadistic people? His cute visor and color coordinated bowtie and suspenders won't save him from punishment this time.

TL;DR

Look: Like a tatertot

Feel: Like a corn puff

Taste: Like a junky fish cheeto

Recommend to Friends/Family: For the price of 30 yen, sure. But definitely not to their puppies.

Rating: 1 large cole slaw out of a KFC’s $20 Fill Up™

#japan #dagashi #fried chicken #kfc #yen #food #review #puppy #puppies #sadistic #cheeto #fanfic #capn crunch #chester cheeto #meat #seafood

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