Tangled:Heart

Sunhwa’s eyebrows rose at Zach’s words; she had known he would go deeper into acting before, even if he wasn’t good at it. He had the popularity and looks for it, the rest would be handled by fangirls. It didn’t actually bother Sunhwa at all, because she knew about Zach’s life and how it would be, after all those years of friendship. “I don’t really care about media or whatever, actually,” she started, letting her hair fall behind her so she can look at the model clearly. “I’ll support you by laughing at your dramas.” She smiled lightly, still feeling like this might be a fleeting moment.

“Do you think we are too different?”

She asked after a moment of silence, her eyes not meeting Zach’s as she thought about all the girls he must have met while she was gone. She couldn’t reach a model in looks, she was not very rich, all she had was all those emotions for Zach. Would it be enough for him? He had said he was sleeping around, would she be enough for him then?

Zacharie hated being forced to act, sometimes even purposefully being an impossible asshole on set jsut for the off-chance that they would send him home. Part of the reason was that he knew how terrible he was at it, and the other was his absolute refusal to have anything to do with his father. People kept in on anyway, putting up with his problematic behaviour as long as they kept a pretty boy cast. “I’d actually much rather you didn’t watch at all,” he sighed, “The next thing you know, they’ll be shoving me into one of my father’s films. I’d sooner kill myself.”

His fingers softly brushed through her hair, the intimate action reminding him of the past. It hadn’t been long since they shared their feelings for each other but, for someone who had never been honest in his life, it felt like decades. “We’re very different,” he admitted, “In fact, I don’ think we’l ever be the same, but I never expected you to be. I fell for you because you were different, Sunhwa. It was like... I had someone to go to when I couldn’t handle my own life anymore.”

Sunhwa looked at the man in front of her eyes with a small sense of despair. He doesn’t know, the voice in her head supplied helpfully, yet she knew she couldn’t let go even if it meant the end of her. She didn’t deserve him, she didn’t deserve the happiness he brought in her life. It was for obvious he didn’t deserve the sadness she had brought about, but how could she step away from this person that meant world to her?

“Yes,” she replied with a hushed voice, “I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.”

She let her fingers play with the model’s hair, then her touch trailed down on his cheek. The warmth under her fingertips felt unreal, as if she was about to wake up. She closed her eyes and brought her arms around Zach’s body, just holding him against her body for a brief moment. “I missed you.”

It was like a brief moment of calmness and Zacharie did his best to forget the pain of the past few months, the argument that had erupted just before and the itching of his hands for aggression. His nose brushed against her skin, slowly inhaling her sweet scent. He missed that and, honestly, hoped that she would forever be his but happiness was fleeting and he knew not to count on it. “I missed you too,” Zacharie responded, kissing her cheek, “More than you can imagine.”

“It was hard for you, wasn’t it? Because of how different we are,” he continued, holding her tighter as he shifted, lying beside her before pulling her on top. It was a gap that he wasn’t sure they would ever cross. To Zacharie, Sunhwa was only an ordinary girl with a quiet life, but his own involved cameras, paparazzi and false smiles. Now that his agency had pushed an acting career, the disparity between them would only worsen. “It’ll be even harder now,” he sighed, “My agent’s got me acting. If you don’t die of embarrassment first, you might die of the media attention.”

She couldn’t help the way her eyes widened at his words, her lips reaching for his as he leaned in. The way their lips moved together made her heart jump in her chest, her hands reaching to pull him closer to her. She sincerely hoped that it wasn’t a dream and she wasn’t going to wake up in her bed, alone. It scared her, losing Zach again and making him upset.

Sunhwa slowly opened her eyes to look at the man she loved. It was simply impossible for her to abandon him but she couldn’t deal with the danger she was putting him in. She had disappeared, murders had stopped but they were still looking for her and- She’d stop that train of thought there, because if she went down that line, she’d be tempted to leave again. Instead, she pulled the model in, kissing him without a care about how many people he did it in those months.

There had been countless nights that he’d dreamed of kissing her, holding her in his arms and refusing to ever part. For months, Zacharie had thought that it wouldn’t be possible, that he might never feel that sense of bliss again, but here she was. He ran his fingers lightly through her hair, brushed stray strands away from her eyes to get a better look at her – thin, sad but beautiful. Always beautiful.

Her leaned in to kiss her again, his hand resting on her slender waist. Eyes closed, Zacharie completely lost himself to the sweetness of her lips on his. Sucking her lower lip gently, his hand reached under Sunhwa to pull her closer to him, their chests pressed together as though now fearful of being apart. “Are you sure?” he whispered softly, hands trembling, “I’m not the man you remember, Sunhwa. I don’t think I could handle losing you again.”

Sunhwa blinked dumbly when Zach pushed her down on the couch, her throat tightening as she tried to comprehend what was happening. Was Zach..? She looked at the model’s face, her expression clearly showing her shock. “I would still want to be with you, because there’s not one thing about you that I hate.” She replied seriously, though the words bothered her deeply. She couldn’t help it when she continued. “Though, I’d try to stop you from doing those unhealthy things, for sure.” She nodded lightly.

She felt as if she was dreaming, and she lifted a hand to touch Zach, her touch trailing on his jawline briefly. “Zach– what about you? Would you still want to be with me even if I have done things you can’t even imagine? Even if I still can’t tell you anything?”

Having Sunhwa around in the past did change him for the better – although ever arrogant and defensive, Zacharie had learnt that he was capable of being a decent person. For now though, he doubted that she could fix him. He didn’t even want to be fixed. Not when he was still unsure if she would leave again. “You’re really fucking good at that, you know? Keeping secrets from me,” he responded, voice hushed and their faces were inches away, “Though I’m not one to talk either. Isn’t that just we we do? We keep secrets, we fuck up trying to make things work.”

“I still want you. Always did, always will.”

As though he could no longer stop himself rom being magnetically drawn to Sunhwa, Zacharie crashes his lips to hers, pulling her into a heated kiss. It was as though all of the past months of frustration, longing and anger had emerged and Zacharie found one of his hands already pulling her closer to him. He needed her, not just physically but emotionally, even if something might pull them apart again the next morning.

zachkwon

He watched her, unsure whether to believe in the honesty behind her words. His heart did, lurching at the realization that she wanted him back, but his brain could only be reminded of how he’d been failed and neglected his entire life. Zacharie had given Sunhwa more of his heart than anyone else in the world, and there was it - bruised, broken and bleeding. “Things can’t be okay like this, you know that,” Zacharie said, sighing, “You can’t just come back and except me to forgive you, to trust you, to… to love you like nothing’s changed - because everything has. Things happened while you were gone, Sunhwa, and I’m not the same Zacharie.”

His eyes seemed to lack their old glimmer. No matter how cynical he used to be, there was always a part of Zacharie that enjoyed his life - hedonistic as it was. It was as though he’d aged, not so much in his appearance but in his soul. Damaged, possibly beyond repair. “If you hate the funeral house, then move out,” he said, taking a final drag before snubbing out the cigarette on a dirty ash tray, “What ever you hate, Sunhwa, get rid of it.”

Just come back to me.

“I am not expecting anything from you, Zach. I just wanted to let you know that I have not abandoned you. I did not leave you, because my heart was actually here, with you.” She couldn’t help the lurch her heart did when the word ‘love’ fell out of Zach’s lips, but she couldn’t get hopeful either. They had so much to solve, so many scars to heal. Sunhwa would be an idiot to hope he would let her into his life again. However, he deserved to know she couldn’t leave him. “I promised I wouldn’t leave. I will always be there for you.” Her fingers drew a cross over her heart, like she had done when she had promised she wouldn’t leave.

“The funeral house is a memorial for the people who took care of me, I can’t leave. This town has people that care about me, I can’t abandon.” She replied calmly, taking her time before boldly taking a step towards Zach. “You make it all better. I don’t hate anything when you’re in my life. You brighten up my life. That is why I can’t leave you.”

It didn't feel like her heart was with him. In fact, all of months of loneliness had scarred him. Even if he took her back now, Zacharie knew that things wouldn't be the same. In fact, Sunhwa might not even want him anymore once she'd realized what he'd become - promiscuous, selfish, cruel and violent. He was everything he used to be before he met her and everything she had changed about him. He couldn't let her go though and, as soon as she took a step towards him, his resolve shattered. Great.

"Then don't. Don't leave me again."

Suddenly closing the distance between them, Zacharie pushed her down onto the couch, supporting himself with his arms. She was beautiful, even though the pain showed in her almost sickly state, and he didn't want to be without her. "Would you still want to be with me if I'm everything you hate? If I'm a hedonistic bastard who fucks around, smokes like a chimney and drinks like a whore? Would you still want me back?"

“Are you seriously keep insulting me even though you told me not to leave?” She asked him incredulously, her hands falling to her sides idly. Her eyes followed the smoke that left his lips, her head aching from all the confusion she felt in that moment. She didn’t know if it would be better if she left. She had done the worst thing she could have done, already. She wanted to make sure Zach continued without a hitch, but that seemed like a far reach, seeing the situation. She took a step forward, “You can’t act for shit, Zach. I know you.”

She went to take another step towards him but then shook her head and crossed her arms instead. She felt like she needed to shield herself. She was putting everything on the line, and it was obvious nothing was going through. “I know I don’t even have the right to be here, but you let me inside, you are talking to me, so you- I- argh, I don’t know why you even let me in, actually.” She admitted with a frown, her hands feeling cold as she looked down at the floor. “I left because I thought I would fix something, but everything crumbled down instead.”

“If I wanted to insult you, you’d have broken down already,” he grumbled, taking another deep inhalation of the cigarette, “So quit complaining when I’m actually being nice.” Even in only the past two weeks, there had been a countless number of girls he’d reduced to tears. Not necessarily out of heartbreak, though that was common too, but out of the sheer brutality of his sharp words. Zacharie could be cruel. It was just that Sunhwa had never been made aware of it.

“We were fine. Maybe there were a few cracks but, to me, we were perfect,” he confessed quietly, eyes fixed to the distance, “What was there even to fix?” Zacharie blinked slowly, long dark lashes framing his equally as dark gaze, before staring back at her. Long moments of silence passed, himself only taking another drag and swirling the smoke around his tongue. “What do you want then?” he asked, “Right now. What did you come here wanting?” There was no accusing tone in his voice, but rather a bluntness. He was done beating around the bush.

“I know we were perfect, Zach, but I am not good enough for you, even if I want to hold onto you.” She replied silently, her eyes meeting his for a moment and she felt her heart beat painfully in her chest. He still had this power over her. He meant the world, and if he wanted it, she would get the moon for him. That was the reason why she had ran away. She was scared of how strongly she felt for him, even if their relationship was not defined. She was so scared of losing him or hurting him that she had managed exactly that.

The silence stretched for a moment before Sunhwa straightened her back, “I hate this town. I hate the funeral house. I hate everything about this place that I would rather not come back, ever.” She would need to be honest, because she had only one chance, maybe, maybe she could change something. Even if everything stayed the same, she would make sure Zach knew everything she felt. “But I came back for you. I spent everyday wishing you were next to me, and when I came back, first thing I did was to go looking for you.”

He watched her, unsure whether to believe in the honesty behind her words. His heart did, lurching at the realization that she wanted him back, but his brain could only be reminded of how he'd been failed and neglected his entire life. Zacharie had given Sunhwa more of his heart than anyone else in the world, and there was it - bruised, broken and bleeding. "Things can't be okay like this, you know that," Zacharie said, sighing, "You can't just come back and except me to forgive you, to trust you, to... to love you like nothing's changed - because everything has. Things happened while you were gone, Sunhwa, and I'm not the same Zacharie."

His eyes seemed to lack their old glimmer. No matter how cynical he used to be, there was always a part of Zacharie that enjoyed his life - hedonistic as it was. It was as though he'd aged, not so much in his appearance but in his soul. Damaged, possibly beyond repair. "If you hate the funeral house, then move out," he said, taking a final drag before snubbing out the cigarette on a dirty ash tray, "What ever you hate, Sunhwa, get rid of it."

Just come back to me.

Sunhwa was quick to wipe away her tears, but sobs didn’t stop even as her tears did. She took in a shaky breath, frowning at Zach. “I am not crying so you’ll forgive me when I know I don’t deserve it.” She replied with fever, even if her anger was at herself. She let out a sigh, but the bang from the side made her flinch once again. Her eyes snapped to where Zach’s fist had connected with the wall, her lips falling open. Her surprise having taken over, she stood there without a word.

As Zach stepped away, Sunhwa’s eyes fell to his hand, frowning lightly. “You- your hand…” Her frown deepened as she wondered if he would get angry at her if she brought some ice for his hand. She stood still, looking at the model’s back. He was not in a good state either. Sunhwa had just became asocial but Zach had ruined himself, and it wasn’t hard for Sunhwa to see. They knew one another and Sunhwa knew, he was deep in all those bad habits he had before. “Is this… did you become like this because of me?”

His hand ached, but he’d be damned if he’s let his ex-girlfriend mother him – an ex-girlfriend, was that even the right term for the situation? He cursed himself and his ambiguous relations. “Don’t flatter yourself,” he lied, “I’m the same jackass I’ve always been. All you had to do was stop being around to see through that knightly image you had of me.” Rummaging through one of his drawers, he finally found a new packet of cigarettes and a lighter – it would hold him off for now. With the stick between his lips, he lit up casually before inhaling.

Inhale. Exhale.

He turned back to face her, the smoke swirling slightly between his lips. Zacharie felt calmer, a little relaxed, but the same edginess would return once he went for another hit. Cocaine was an exchange sort of recreational activity – an hour of exhilaration and five of major depression. “What’s the matter, you don’t like what you see anymore?” he scoffed, “Is it a problem that I’m not living up to your stupid little fantasies, Sunhwa?”

Sunhwa couldn’t help the flinch as Zach shoved the coffee table and the bottles fell on the ground. A shaky breath left her lips as she watched Zach stalk towards her, slowly but surely. Sunhwa tried to back away but her back hit the wall and all she could do was to look at the man she loved. She had caused this, his anger and disappointment. She closed her eyes briefly, his anger making her feel weak. “I wish I had died rather than have hurt you,” she admitted quietly. Those words made her feel like she was admitting to have killed all those people, all the murders she had committed. It was so hard to tell him that he mattered more, more than her own life.

The guilt she felt came about in forms of tears, but she swallowed them back, even if her eyes refused to cooperate, her vision blurring with the tears. “You deserve someone better, and I thought…” she trailed off as a sob escaped her lips. She hadn’t cried since she had left. Tears did not make her pain disappear, instead it was worse, because she was in front of Zach.

His resolve wavered as soon as he saw her tears, never having seen Sunhwa cry like that before. Zacharie remembered how she had difficulty fitting into his world, even his own hesitance in truly calling her his for the same reason, and everything boiled down to his own cowardice. If anything, that only infuriated him more. “Why the fuck are you crying? Am I supposed to forgive you now, to pretend like everything’s okay because of a few tears?” he continued, anger thinly hidden beneath the surface, “Fuck, Sunhwa. Stop it!” Zacharie banged a fist at the wall just a short distance away from her face, the only way for him to release his emotions without actually harming her – because he could never do that.

His face was lowered, long bangs covering his eyes as his breaths came through in heavy pants. “I never said that you could cry, Sunhwa,” Zacharie said, slowly calming, “So stop doing that.” With a groan, he stepped away, knuckles aching from the impact and his head throbbing. He needed a drink or a hit. Something. His emotions were becoming unstable, constantly swinging between extremes, and anyone could tell that it wasn’t simply heartbreak that was tearing him apart. It was a dirty habit.

Sunhwa’s frown deepened when he shrugged her hand off, her hand falling idly to her side. She wrapped her arms around herself to stop the feeling of despair away, looking around briefly. Her frown did not disappear when she noticed how thin he had become indeed. She wanted to make him eat, make him healthy, make him happy again. She cursed herself as the guilt intensified in her gut. She let out a shaky breath.

“I don’t have an excuse,” she started, because Zach deserved the truth. “I spent everyday wanting to come back to you.” She said, her eyes not meeting his as she spoke. She hated feeling vulnerable. Her voice gave her away, though, sounding weak and desperate. She took a small step back, not wanting to pour her heart out in the open. “I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving. I thought I could make it better.”

He listened silently, jaw cleaned and an unreadably cold expression on his features. Zacharie knew that he was being harsh with her, every sharp retort only making him want to hold her more, but he couldn’t help it. She was the one who left, who destroyed his rare hope for happiness, and he blamed her to the bottom of his heart. He hadn’t let anyone in for years, never showed vulnerability, and yet she messed up as soon as he came close. In his mind, she was hardly better than his own family.

“Why did you go then?” he asked, quietly at first but then erupting into a sudden shout, “Why did you fucking go, Sunhwa?!” Standing from the couch, he shoved the coffee table over in anger, glass bottles shattering on the ground with violent clangs. Hands coiled into fists, Zacharie could hardly contain his anger. Part of it was because he loved her, another might have been his drug related temperament. “Tell me,” he growled, slow steps backing her against the wall, voice dangerously low, “Because I spent the past few months thinking you were dead, Sunhwa. Because I finally trusted you enough to let you in and you fucked up, but now you’re back and that’s it? That’s fucking it?”

“Are you serious right now because-” She snapped at him before their eyes met, her anger leaving her in a blink because she just wanted to hug him tight, and never let go. She frowned lightly at herself, since it was all her fault and she couldn’t even explain to him why she had ran away. She had tried to stay away and thought that maybe it would be better for them but she had missed Zach with every fibre of her being.

She snickered at his words, “Don’t leave all the time,” she repeated under her breath. As if she was able to leave him. She had promised she would stay and she did. Her not being able to stay away had nothing to do with her promise but all the things to do with her feelings towards Zach. She followed him inside, her eyes trained on his back. She barely recognized the messy apartment before she looked back at Zach again. It felt like a dream, though in her dreams he would always ask her to leave. The reality hit the air out of her lungs as Zach had practically asked her to stay, telling her not to leave all the time.

She bit down on her bottom lip, glancing at the model with a small frown. Her body seemed to have its own mind as she took a step forward and reached to touch him. When she realized what she was doing, her eyes widened but she persisted, her hand lightly touching the model’s shoulder.

He was on edge, snappy and irritable. It had been a few hours maybe since his last hit and, while Zacharie insisted that he wasn't addicted, he hit his depressions hard every day perhaps the cocaine only augmented the pain in his heart. When he felt her touch on his shoulder, he instinctively flinched. People bothered him and all those nights of hard partying, even if drunk, was doing damage to his recovering social anxiety. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked, brushing away her hand to yank his jacket off. Beneath the leather garment, he wore a long sleeved black shirt, further accenting how thin he'd become. His agent worried about him, designers complained about his inaccurate measurements and make up artists were constantly fretting about how to hide his dark circles.

Sitting himself down on the couch, he sat with his leg crossed over his knee, staring up at her with deadened eyes. "How about I give you some suggestions?" Zacharie asked, aggression thinly veiled behind his words, "Why don't you start off with where the fuck you went and follow up with some pathetic excuse on how you didn't even send me a goddamn message?"

Sunhwa’s eyes snapped to the source of the voice, her movements halting into a stop when she saw Zach. This wasn’t the way she wanted to see him, since she had more difficulty controlling herself when she saw him without notice. Her lungs squeezed in her chest uncomfortably, her eyes tracing his face with a small frown. He looked thinner, less healthy. The guilt burned her throat as she took his figure in, his glare enough to make her feel like running away.

“I want to talk,” she replied silently, now realizing it wasn’t a good idea to come back. No matter how much she wanted to see him, she had ruined his trust in her. She couldn’t man up and say he had ruined her for anyone else, yet she wanted this person to stay by her side. She had changed, for better or worse, she didn’t know. “Also I wanted to see you.” She added, almost as an afterthought. She didn’t know what brought her words to the light, but her lips moved out of her own accord. “I-” She managed to stop herself, looking down at the ground with a deep frown. She didn’t want to tell him she had been there nearly everyday since she had returned. Her courage was lacking and she wouldn’t have knocked if he hadn’t seen her. She sighed and let her hand run through her blond hair, “You know what, I should go.” She ended sadly, shaking her head before advancing forward to leave.

He started at her with cold eyes, even more guarded and distant than they were before, but deep down Zacharie knew that he wanted her to stay. “Didn’t you want to talk two months ago or have you been purposefully waiting just to see how well I thrive without you?” he snapped, raising his arms in a gesture, “Well look all you want, Sunhwa, and enjoy it. You’ve fucked me over enough.” He saw how thin she’d become, the sadness in her eyes, and every fibre of his being longed to hold her in his arms again. She used to call him her knight, he thought of her as his princess, but those memories seemed too far out of reach.

“Just get the fuck inside, Sunhwa,” he groaned, searching his pockets for his key card, “Stop leaving all the time. I’m sick of it.”

He was, but only because he missed her too much when she was gone.

Finally locating the card, wedged somewhere between his black card and the plastic he used to cut lines of cocaine, he buzzed them in before leading her in. The apartment hadn’t changed much, although it’d become considerably messier since. His clothes were askew over the furniture, empty bottles of liquor on the dinner table and a racy black bra discarded under the couch. Zacharie didn’t even remember when that was from.

The thing about Sunhwa was that she was really bad at controlling her emotions. If she had been any good, she wouldn’t have ruined her relationship with one of her best friends. One and only person she trusted would keep her safe, and she had gone and developed feelings for him. She had not only ruined herself, but him also. He had trusted her and she had abandoned her, out of fear.

Standing in front of his apartment door, Sunhwa felt nothing but fear. Fear that drove her away had brought her back to this man. The man who deserved the world, yet she knew she couldn’t give him anything but remorse. Her hand fell to her side once again, as she failed to knock on the door. Her fear undermined her courage to talk to Zach, but she couldn’t just up and leave. Not again.

A sigh escaped from her lips as she was reminded of the first day she had come there. Reminded of their first kiss. Reminded of everything happy and sad. She knew everything had changed. She, too, had changed. Her bones were visible now, her plump figure now way thinner. Her smile disappeared, never to be seen. Her friends missed her, since she never left her home. Since she worked from home, her job was on her side too. She had turned cold, colder, and the only source of heat was through that door. She sighed once more, lifting her hand in an attempt to knock but her hand freezing in the air again.

One, two, three...

Zacharie had long lost count of how many days it had been since he’s last been completely sober. His work was suffering at the hand of these benders, often showing up on set late and being moody throughout, but that didn’t stop him. He didn’t care enough for that. He started smoking again too, a habit that he was just starting to give up when he was with her–

Her. That girl. Even high, it was as though he saw her in every corner of the streets. He should have known that his happiness wouldn’t have lasted, not for a coward like him. If he had been brave, he would have been able to tell Sunhwa he loved her, he might have called her his and told his mother to go fuck herself whenever she mentioned match making. Sure, sell off her trophy son; it wasn’t as though she hadn’t been doing that his entire life.

Half stumbling out of the cab, Zacharie had to lean against the wall to stand straight. Too many nights of drunkenness was catching up to him, his cheeks becoming sunken and lanky frame even thinner than usual. The elevator sounded and he slowly made his way out, foot steps heavy and designer jacket smelling like cigarette, when he froze in his tracks.

Sunhwa.

“Look who came crawling the fuck back,” he snarled, “What do you want?”