Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

Zelda Fitzroy          30          Unemployed Listen up, bitches, because I'm only gonna say this once. Easily the most terrifying person you might ever meet. Don't believe me? You will.

[themrmathis-deactivated20181218]

Are you aware that your ex wife is on this site now?

[exmrsmathis-deactivated20131217]

Right…

[zelda-fitzroy]

[zelda-fitzroy]

Emery & Zelda

emery-novak liked your photo

Oh look, we've already got something in common!

[conxxme]

[zelda-fitzroy]

Lyle & Zelda

[lylelabelette-deactivated201506]

Honestly? Just a bit.

Yes and I’d give it a 8/10 on the Zelda scale. It was for purely shits and giggles. Isn’t it amazing how worked up everyone can get over one comment.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Good. You should be.

This time, I think I'd go as far as giving it a 9/10. It's keeping me entertained while I sit on this goddamn couch in this boot, which I'll have on until the beginning of December -- no thanks to you.

And are you making fun of a kid's hair? I've got some kid over here who's super pissed about something about "equality" or some bullshit.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Oooh, Lyle never ceases to amuse me.

[ronnie-benson-deactivated201410]

You think insulting people is funny? You think making fun of the way they dress is amusing?

[zelda-fitzroy]

Well it sounds like you've got at least ten hurt feelings there, Cinderella.

I'm guessing you've never, ever made fun of anyone before. Probably not even the cast of The Jersey Shore or Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I'm sure you'd never do that, and I'm definitely sure that you'd never keep an argument going either.

If you'd like it to stop, then how about you just mosey on over somewhere else? Whamo. Problem solved.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Oooh, Lyle never ceases to amuse me.

[ronnie-benson-deactivated201410]

And you must enjoy everyone’s anger and pain am I right?

[zelda-fitzroy]

No, sunshine, he's fucking with you.

Everyone's sitting around like "Oh my god he insulted gay people, nobody ever does that! Somebody call Neil Patrick Harris!" but they don't even realize that he's bisexual. Frankly, my dear, I think this is absolutely hilarious.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Oooh, Lyle never ceases to amuse me.

Actually, I don't know what's funnier... everyone taking things so seriously or Lyle not even realizing what he's started.

[zelda-fitzroy]

You know what's fun?

[chrishetfield]

That’s a terrible thing to do!

Lying and extorting money isn’t exactly what I would call spreading Christmas cheer.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Alright, I'll break it down a little bit more since you're not gonna get it.

I'm giving these women reason to believe that their family still cares. They give me money because they think I'm their grand-daughter and I take it because bus fare isn't cheap. They get one last good Christmas, and I get to buy a nice handbag. Everybody wins. Bam.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Lyle & Zelda

[lylelabelette-deactivated201506]

Yeah, I heard. You’ve managed to replace me. 

[zelda-fitzroy]

You jealous, peaches?

Since we're on the subject, honeybunch, how about you riddle me this: Didn't you fuck that guy we had a tiff over last weekend? So all this "is everyone gay" business is for what, exactly?

I admire the delivery, don't get me wrong; I'm just questioning your lifestyle choices.

[zelda-fitzroy]

You know what's fun?

[chrishetfield]

That’s really mean.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Is it though? Think about it.

I've been to a nursing home, yeah? So obviously this old bat's family doesn't really give two shits about her, or they'd be taking care of her -- or well, them, because I don't play just one when I haul my ass out of bed and go to a care center. Anyway!

So, obviously this grandma's not had that many visits and she's not got a lot of time left on her hands, meaning that it's Thanksgiving and she's all alone. So I swoop in and give her a little hope, put on some fake tears and make her feel like her family actually cares. Then I make maybe fifty dollars if I'm lucky. 

I'm just spreading around Christmas cheer to old ladies who wouldn't get anything otherwise. This is the circle of life, and I'm benefiting just as much as I'm harming so it's kind of neutral.

[zelda-fitzroy]

You know what's fun?

[chrishetfield]

[zelda-fitzroy]

[zelda-fitzroy]

Lyle & Zelda

[lylelabelette-deactivated201506]

Too much gay and I mean that in both ways. Why can’t people be miserable for a day and keep to themselves?

Stop ruining my fun.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Probably for the same reasons that you can't stop being a smart-ass for a day, pretty boy.

Ruining fun's what I'm all about. I'm the devil; didn't you hear?

[zelda-fitzroy]

Lyle & Zelda

lyle-labelette liked your photo

Hey bitch, what's up?

Oh, wait. No. Me first.

So I saw today where you asked if everyone was gay and then decided that'd get you more chicks, right? Well, that would also mean all the chicks are gay as well.

It's a good thing you're pretty, peaches.

[zelda-fitzroy]

You know what's fun?

Convincing grandmothers that I'm their long-lost granddaughter. Nursing homes are the best.

[thanatolypse]

[lylelabelette-deactivated201506]

#you almost look like a nine out of ten

[lylelabelette-deactivated201506]

Someone actually wants to hire you? How fucked up are they? 

Alright, I’ve been told I can do a pretty great Cockney accent.

Seal? You told him yo- okay. I kind of expected you to pull something like that. 

[zelda-fitzroy]

Jealousy isn't a good color on you, peaches.

Cockney works, but tone it down a bit because I want to look official. And you're damn right I'd pull something like this -- it was a joke, really, but he took it seriously and so now here we are.

Are we gonna call this making us even for the broken ankle, or is there something else I'm gonna have to provide?

[lylelabelette-deactivated201506]

#you almost look like a nine out of ten

Thank you, Zelda. That’s one of the highest compliments I’ve received from you yet.

[zelda-fitzroy]

Don't get cocky, bitch.

I'm going to a job interview tomorrow and have to have "legit references" for a resume.

I listed you as one, and I'm giving you my second cell phone so you can also be the other for a week. Just change your voice or something, I don't care.

Also, the guy thinks I was Seal's personal assistant... so, make it seem like that happened. I'll figure out some way to pay you back, I guess.