So, I got you for secret santa. Since I'm not really into giving shitty gifts or lame first impressions, I had to guess at what you'd want. Since there are a few things I think every dude needs, I went with those. In this little manly kit, you'll find:
Four Roses Single Barrel Whiskey: Do you drink? No? Well, this looks good in your house or apartment or cardboard box -- whatever the fuck you have. It'll make you look classy as hell, though I'd recommend you only crack this open when important people are visiting. People like the president or the Mayor of Toronto.
A Keurig: This is the only way to make coffee. The only way. It takes K-Cups, by the way. I've included some of my favorites.
A Tool Kit: Everyone needs a good tool kit. Not some shitty thing you borrowed from your uncle or your friend, but a tool kit with all of the fixin's. That's how they say it in Texas, right? Anyway, this has everything. You'll be able to fix a car, a plane and maybe even a sink.
Ray Ban Aviators: If you wanna look like a classy motherfucker, you need a pair of Ray Bans. If you wanna look like the Heisenberg, you wear aviators. This is the best of both worlds.
Sex Panther Cologne: I've heard this is made from bits of real panther, so I hope you're not an animal activist. Whatever the case, this is good cologne -- I didn't say great, I said good. It smells fresh, clean, and has been said to attract the fairer sex at least 60% of the time. Or every time. I can't remember. Anyway, if you're looking for a really classy cologne then go for Stetson or Polo.
A Leatherman: You would be surprised how many goddamn idiots don't carry one of these. This is like a Swiss Army Knife, except it's American so it's got to be bigger and better and have some sharper things. Really, the only thing that's missing is the Colt .45 and a picture of John Wayne, but you can't have it all.
Dress Pants: SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER. These are sweatpants made to look like dress pants. Don't let anyone get to close, because the stitching gives it away for someone who knows their shit... but these are comfortable and they sure as hell beat a pair of uncomfortable slacks. Not only that, but they give room for your balls to breathe.
A Shitload of Ties: Every man needs ties. I've given you... Maybe forty. You'll find long ties, short ties, bow-ties, novelty ties, respectable "I have to take my girl to dinner because I accidentally fucked her twin sister" ties. Everything's in here.
Good luck, man. Stay classy.
Holy shit. Wow... There really isn't one thing I don't like in this set of gifts. This is incredible! Thank you so much!
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