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In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that… In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

Albert Camus (via darwinwoodka)

Think Buddha, Be a Buddha

There is a line of thinking in Buddhism, that everyone is a Buddha. This Buddha nature exists underneath all of the conditioning that has been accumulated since birth. All one needs to release their Buddha nature, is to overcome her conditioning. I often refer to my clients as having been their Buddha nature when they’ve been the calm in the storm; when they’ve been able to see through the distorted nature of their thinking, and when they’ve faced an obstacle that usually leads to a problem behavior, without incident or exaggerated reaction. We are all “the Buddha” at times. I think the goal for many is to increase the frequency of realizing their Buddha nature.

This goal is often accomplished through disciplined meditation and mindfulness practice. For decades I have been practicing, in one way or another, mindfulness, meditation, being Zen, being in the moment, and being the Buddha. I’ve read numerous books, and now, written numerous articles on the subject. However, as I wrote in, “Maybe you’re better off not reading this” there is a line of thinking that all that knowledge interferes with the practice. In fact, every one of you reading this (and all the others who aren’t) can claim they’ve been practicing as well, just by living. We all learn and grow through our experiences.

Who hasn’t had the experience of looking back on something that occurred in hindsight with objectivity? With hindsight the individual can often see her mistakes, his emotions overrunning objectivity leading to a poor decision, feeling more anger than was due for the situation, or the distorted belief a feeling or emotion would never subside. When one the Buddha, this objectivity permeates.

So the goal remains to increase this sense of objectivity, this ability to remain unflustered when one normally would react. Whether you’ve been reading and practicing for decades, or if you’re new to the concept, this possibility exists in every moment. In my last post I wrote about this (The empowering moment) and how positive it feels. In that post I discuss deciding who you want to be, and enacting that behavior in the present. What if, after reading this, you decided you were going to be your Buddha nature?

Read the rest here.

#buddha #buddhism #enlightenment #self improvement

psychotherapy

There isn’t time - so brief is life - for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. there is only time for loving - & but an instant, so to speak, for that.

Mark Twain, in a letter to Clara Spaulding, 20 August 1886. (via psychotherapy)

The Empowering Moment

Much of my writing on mindfulness is about embracing the moment, how to use mindfulness in varying tough situations (see my last post, Mindful Arguing), and how beneficial mindfulness is to health and wellbeing. In all of the writing there is a hint of the power of the moment, the power to overcome conditioning and make a choice away from what might be the norm. This post will focus explicitly on the power one has in a moment of awareness.

Eckhart Tolle wrote a book about “The Power of Now”. I thought the book was brilliant, but it is not my intention to repeat it here. The basic premise is that all power available to us lies in the present moment, and he offers reasoning for and techniques to tap into that power. It is mentioned here in case you are interested in exploring the topic beyond this post.

Mindfulness, which is defined as a purposeful conscious awareness of the present moment without judgment, is a good beginning to any change. In order to change a behavior, there has to be an awareness of it arising. Normally, without this awareness, we react to internal and external stimuli out of conditioning. As I’ve written previously (Unconsciously Rushing to be Unconscious) this isn’t all bad. Mastering skills so we can perform them effortlessly and automatically has its benefits. But there are too many times these automatic responses are regretted or, more frequently, let the joy of a moment pass by. This post will focus on the former, those times when behavior can be changed to be more in line with chosen values and goals.

In “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy”, one of the stated core processes is acting in accordance with one’s values (Hayes). Though this may seem like common sense, or something done regularly, it is not the case. Acting on impulse, or out of anger or defensiveness usually goes against what is a valued personality trait. The goal of ACT training is to be more mindful and choose action in accordance with self-selected values.

In the TED Talk, “Is There a Real You?” Julian Baggini posits that we can choose who we will be in any moment. He focuses on how what one defines as oneself is simply a sum of our parts, one of the most important of which is memories. He discusses how, while using an awareness of the present moment, you can choose who you will be, moment to moment.

Episode 15 of the podcast, “The Hidden Brain”, titled “Loss and Renewal”, tells the story of young woman who recreated herself after a loss. The host, Shankar Vedantam ends the show by saying, “We often underestimate our capacity to reinvent ourselves.” (2015). His statement is powerful. People are being shaped by experiences, and many are far from who they were 10 years ago. Using what I like to call, “the empowering moment” allows one to take charge of some of these changes.

The empowering moment is a technique I’ve been using in therapy.

Continue reading here.

Mindful Arguing

Throughout my career as a therapist I’ve dealt with clients for who conflict with others is an issue, whether it is romantic partners, family members, or coworkers. One of the ways therapists help clients evaluate the conflict is through taking an objective view. An objective, non-judgmental, detached view is the heart of mindfulness. Rather than waiting until one has calmed down to gain this view, mindfulness can be applied when the conflict arises, and one can mindfully argue.

First, many identify arguing with high emotion. This is not necessarily true. Arguing occurs whenever there is a conflict of goals or opinions. Lawyers, who argue for a living, are an excellent example. They often do so in a dispassionate fashion, only using emotion when it benefits the argument.

Jon Kabat-Zinn operationally defines mindfulness as, “the awareness that arises from paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, nonjudgmentally” (Simon). It is a detached awareness; it does not avoid the emotions, it holds them in attentiveness. It recognizes the bias, the judgments, but keeps them from affecting decisions or actions. This awareness is difficult to maintain, as it is the mind’s nature to wonder into the past and future. The mind is quite often led unconsciously through conditioning. There may be no place this is more evident than in an argument.

You can read the rest here.

"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everyone is gonna die."

Morty. Rick and Morty.

Why Does the Heart Want What it Wants?

“The heart wants what it wants. Emily Dickinson wrote that. Though, depending on how old you are, you might associate it with Woody Allen or Selena Gomez.” (Glass, I; 2015). But why does the heart want what the heart wants? Is it as magical as romantics like to believe? Is it as inexplicable as those quoted seem to purport? In this post I’ll explore some of the psychology that contributes to attraction. Emily Dickinson originally wrote the words in a letter attempting to console a friend whose husband was going to be gone for some time. The tone of the letter, however, suggests there is no consolation, as of course he will be missed incredibly. In the letter she writes, “not to see what we love, is very terrible- and talking- doesn’t ease it- and nothing does- but just itself.” (Sewall, R.B., 1998). The quote indicates that no amount of thought can overcome the longing that the emotion of love creates. (For more on whether this is scientifically accurate, see Psychology Today Blogger Paul Thagard’s post, “Does the Heart Want What it Wants?”). “The heart wants what it wants” was Woody Allen’s infamous response to questions of his scandalous behavior when he left Mia Farrow for her 18-year-old adopted daughter. According to his article, “Our Woody Allen Problem”, James Rosen says Allen told Time magazine, “there’s no logic to those things”, “you meet someone and fall in love and that’s that.” Again, the words are muttered to explain love and attraction dominating over logic. “The heart wants what it wants” was Woody Allen’s infamous response to questions of his scandalous behavior when he left Mia Farrow for her 18-year-old adopted daughter. According to his article, “Our Woody Allen Problem”, James Rosen says Allen told Time magazine, “there’s no logic to those things”, “you meet someone and fall in love and that’s that.” Again, the words are muttered to explain love and attraction dominating over logic. In her hit song, “The Heart Wants What it Wants”, Selena Gomez sings, “You might be right but I don't care, There's a million reasons why I should give you up, But the heart wants what it wants.” It is obvious from the lyric that what most call love and attraction win over logical thought. This theme is evident beyond these pop culture references. I’ve sat in sessions where similar explanations were offered for behavior similar to that above. But as I tell my students, this is psychology, and we seek to know the “why” beneath the surface explanation. Attraction is one of my favorite topics in psychology. Most people would like to attribute attraction to some mystical force that brings people together. But there are some scientific explanations. This theme is evident beyond these pop culture references. I’ve sat in sessions where similar explanations were offered for behavior similar to that above. But as I tell my students, this is psychology, and we seek to know the “why” beneath the surface explanation. Attraction is one of my favorite topics in psychology. Most people would like to attribute attraction to some mystical force that brings people together. But there are some scientific explanations. In a chapter from a text written for introduction to psychology, the author writes how most people want to believe they have found or will find their perfect match. He then jokes it will more likely be their perfect match in a five-mile radius. (Coon, Mitterer; pg 558). This joke demonstrates the power of proximity in attraction. Humans tend to form bonds with those that are in close proximity to us regularly. Proximity isn’t just about meeting that special someone you find yourself attracted to. It is also about being in close contact with someone and developing an attraction as a result. This is demonstrated consistently in movies and television, as well as real life. There is a saying that “opposites attract.” Although I find this to be true in more subtle ways (this will be addressed shortly) the truth is, most people marry within their own race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, and religion. We tend to find ourselves attracted to, romantically and otherwise, people that are like us, including our beliefs. There are deeper, more psychoanalytic aspects of attraction as well. In the excellent book, “A General Theory Of Love”, the authors discuss how memory formation in our childhood leads to attraction to others later in life. Basically, we form strong memories from our early childhood experiences. These unconscious memories guide our attraction to others. The unconscious picks up on the subtlest cues, and though consciously we may not understand why we are attracted to someone, we nonetheless are. This theory beautifully explains how people find themselves attracted to someone who proves to be unhealthy for them. Everyone knows of someone who was attracted to another who later turns out to be unhealthy for her. This could be chance if it happened once, but often people demonstrate patterns in their relationships and to whom they are attracted. This happens when codependents are attracted to alcoholics (who, at the time they met, wasn’t a problem drinker) or an abusive partner, or someone who cannot be faithful. It doesn’t always have to be this dramatic, but extreme examples are readily identifiable. Often there was a parent or other close caregiver that had a similar issue to the partner. The book does an excellent job of supporting this theory, and illuminating much of what goes into attraction. The next aspect of attraction I’d like to discuss is the psychoanalytic, and more specifically, Jungian, idea of projection. Many people confuse projections with having found their soul mate. A projection is an internal ideal, thought process, or state that is attributed to another person. In other words, the individual has an idea, unconsciously, of how they want and need their ideal mate to be, and they place these attributes and qualities into another individual. They then observe their love interest’s behavior, and relate it to their ideal. If they do not recognize the projection, they then believe they have found their soul mate. Later, as they come to know the person better, the partner begins to fall short of their expectations. Falling short of expectations so consistently she cannot be the ideal, and often the search for the real soul mate begins again. This pattern of disappointment will continue until an individual realizes the reality of projection, and does not give in to the fantasy that they have found their soul mate. Earlier I mentioned subtle ways opposites attract. There is a psychological theory called compensation. In compensation, one overdoes an aspect where they feel insecure. For example, they might buy big trucks when they do not feel very manly. Compensation in regard to attraction is similar, although it relates more to the choice in a partner than a weakness. Carl Jung identified personality traits people tend to favor: introvert / extrovert, feeling / thinking, intuition / sensing. It is often contended that people tend to choose a partner that helps bring them into balance. For example, outgoing, social people often pair with quieter, more reserved types. This may often be a function of compensation, which has contributed to the attraction and emotional attachment. Another aspect of relationships that many prefer to ignore is the bargaining process. This is not an external event, but an internal one. Each person entering a relationship is aware of the attributes that they bring to the table. These can include attractiveness, financial security, a quality of sweetness, intelligence, being a giving person, being attentive, considerate, good in bed, etc. Knowing what attributes’ one brings to the table, the individual wants a comparable partner. This does not mean that one necessarily wants someone exactly as attractive, nice, financially secure, etcetera, as he is, but it means that he wants an equal or slightly better bargain in line with what he values. For example, how many very attractive people have you seen with a partner who is financially secure? The person knows he or she brings financial well-being and security and all the luxuries that come with wealth, and in turn he or she values a physically attractive partner. The attractive person in this example knows they are very attractive and values financial security. This example is simplified, although it exists. The actual bargaining process is more complicated due to the amount of aspects to consider, but this exemplifies the issue. It seems rudimentary that one wouldn’t want anyone beneath what he brings to the table. At the same time, what if he ended up with someone who brings much more? The result would be insecurity, as he would feel the other would soon discover he doesn’t measure up and dump him. He might constantly be on guard to protect himself and catch signs at the earliest possible moment. It is easy to see how although attraction is a multifaceted and complicated process, it is not all mystery and magic. There are some theories that help explain it, and this post isn’t all-inclusive. Hopefully, however, it removes some of the mystery, and may help challenge what originally seemed like an emotion you are powerless over. This relates to other posts I’ve written focused on questioning thinking and using mindfulness to choose your thoughts. Copyright, 2015, William Berry Armato, A; James, T; Gomez, S; Jost, D; 2013; The Heart Wants What it Wants; Hollywood Records Coon, D; Mitterer, J; 2010; Introduction to Psychology: Gateways To Mind and Behavior, 12th Ed.; Wadsworth, Cengage Learning; Belmont, CA. Glass, I; 2015; The Heart Wants What it Wants; This American Life; First broadcast October 30, 2015. Transcript retrieved from: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/571/transcript (link is external) Rosen, J; 2015; Our Woody Allen Problem; Psychology Today, October, 2015; pg.29 Sewall, R.B; 1998; The Life of Emily Dickinson / Edition 1; Harvard; pg. 492. Thagard, P; 2015; Does the Heart Want What it Wants?; Psychology Today Online; retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hot-thought/201505/does-the-heart-w...

“You’re the Worst” On Love

There is a television program that is growing in popularity called, “You’re the Worst”. The show centers on two characters that lack standards and morals and results in the two being considered the worst type of people. The characters enter a romantic relationship. In this post I’ll discuss how their view of love and relationships, despite being “the worst” people, reflect typical relationship dynamics.

The show begins with a song called, “7:30am” by Slothrust. The lyric that plays repeatedly is, “I’m gonna leave you anyway, I’m gonna leave you anyway”. No one wants to believe this when a relationship starts, but it is no secret that the vast majority of relationships end. Marriage, a relationship that wants to be the epitome of committed relationships, ends in divorce at least a third of the time according to conservative statistics (Miller, 2014). There are no statistics for those that remain married unhappily, or at least fall far short of true monogamy through infidelity (but remain seemingly happily married). Added to this number would be relationships where one or both partners believed the relationship would last, but it ended. So, in the case of the vast majority of relationships, the show is correct in choosing an opening song that reflects the overwhelming reality of relationships ending.

A second aspect the show gets correct is its approach to honesty. The characters are brutally honest with one another and others, often to the point of rudeness. However, honesty in communication is one of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. Too often people choose having harmony over expressing their true feelings. This is not necessarily a bad thing; it depends on the motive. It is fine to let things go, to choose harmony, and feel good about that. It is another to do it because one does not want to rock the boat, or for fear of conflict, only to walk away seething. A good piece of advice is to look at your part in the conflict, and then consider if you can let the issue go with no residual feeling. If so, harmony is a good choice. If not, it must be honestly discussed.

You can read the rest here.

psychotherapy

The long read: Cheap and effective, CBT became the dominant form of therapy, consigning Freud to psychology’s dingy basement. But new studies have cast doubt on its supremacy – and shown dramatic results for psychoanalysis. Is it time to get back on the couch?

“…the starkest differences between the two emerge some time after therapy has finished. Ask how people are doing as soon as their treatment ends, and CBT looks convincing. Return months or years later, though, and the benefits have often faded, while the effects of psychoanalytic therapies remain, or have even increased – suggesting that they may restructure the personality in a lasting way, rather than simply helping people manage their moods.”

Why You Shun Enlightenment

Many profess a desire to be enlightened. There are dozens of best-selling books about how to attain enlightenment. Yet very few ever accomplish this goal. Why? With all of the material available to anyone seeking it, why do so many waver between wanting to be enlightened and remaining in the drama of life?

The easiest answer is that enlightenment is difficult. Several psychology theorists based their theory on enlightenment (or a related term) as the ultimate goal. Carl Jung made self-realization the ultimate goal of analytic psychology. Abraham Maslow declared self-actualization the ultimate goal of his theory. These terms are synonymous with enlightenment. Yet both Maslow and Jung declared that few people attain the goal.The simple explanation for so many giving up on or falling short of the goal is that it is hard. This is psychology, however, with a goal of insight. As such, there should be discussion of why it is hard.

Just about everyone who writes about enlightenment or the path to it mentions the natural human tendency to get sucked into the drama of life. There is magnetism toward not being present; to be drawn into the past or future, and to be distracted from what is happening in the present moment.

The drama of life is interesting and can lead to feeling alive. Many view enlightenment as boring or detached, and they wouldn’t want to experience that detachment.

Gaining insight requires analysis. This takes an objective perspective, and the ability for one to step out of their limited perspective, question their thinking and perception, and analyze motives for nearly everything.

Enlightenment is work, and takes time. Matthieu Ricard quotes the Dalai Lama: “The problem in the West is people want enlightenment to be fast, to be easy, and if possible, cheap.” In other words, we simply may not be willing to put in the effort and time.

Much of the work of enlightenment seems insignificant and trivial. Focusing on not giving into a craving, not allowing distraction to divert from the goal at hand, self-motivation to workout or eat better or otherwise make what Maslow calls the growth choice, doesn’t seem to contribute a great deal to enlightenment.

Read the rest here.

psychotherapy

Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, spring at its most spectacular moment, flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but ‘steal’ some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude. That doesn’t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world. But you need to breathe. And you need to be.

Albert Camus, Notebooks 1951-1959 (via psychotherapy)

psychotherapy

What the mind doesn’t understand, it worships or fears.

Alice Walker (via psychotherapy)

The dementia that struck actor Robin Williams shortly before he committed suicide last year can lead to devastating symptoms that include vivid hallucinations and cognitive impairment, the kind of behavior his widow emotionally described in an exclusive interview with ABC News. His widow, Susan Williams, is speaking out this week for the first time more than a year after his death and raising awareness of how Lewy body dementia had devastating effects on her husband in the weeks before he died. "Lewy body dementia is what killed Robin," Williams said.

psychotherapy

The search for meaning, much like the search for pleasure, must be conducted obliquely. Meaning ensues from meaningful activity: the more we deliberately pursue it, the less likely are we to find it; the rational questions one can pose about meaning will always outlast the answers. In therapy, as in life, meaningfulness is a by-product of engagement and commitment, and that is where therapists must direct their efforts — not that engagement provides the rational answer to questions of meaning, but it causes these questions not to matter.

Irvin Yalom (via psychotherapy)

psychotherapy

Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, ‘This is the real me,’ and when you have found that attitude, follow it.

William James, The Principals of Psychology (via psychotherapy)

psychotherapy

“Social psychologists observed that people talk and think about love in an incessant variety of ways but underlying such diversity are some common themes that frame how we think about relationships.

One popular perspective considers love as perfect unity (“made for each other,” “she’s my other half”); in another view, love is a journey (“look how far we’ve come,” “we’ve been through all these things together”).

These two ways of thinking about relationships are particularly interesting because, according to study authors Spike W. S. Lee and Norbert Schwarz, they have the power to highlight or downplay the damaging effect of conflicts on relationship evaluation.

Here’s the scoop. If two people were really made in heaven for each other, why should they have any conflicts?

“Our findings corroborate prior research showing that people who implicitly think of relationships as perfect unity between soulmates have worse relationships than people who implicitly think of relationships as a journey of growing and working things out,” says Lee.

“Apparently, different ways of talking and thinking about love relationship lead to different ways of evaluating it.”

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