My Internet Diary @zenmadalyst-blog - Tumblr Blog

I'm sick of feeling this way

My poem "unmentioned"

I was trying to talk about how I wanted to enter into a poem contest with my friend and I got the feeling that he wasn't listening (which really isn't a surprise) so I asked a question along the lines of "what do you think" and the response of hold on I'm working on something. Like I know he was drawing and when he draws he puts tons of focus into his drawing and nothing else but it made me feel so small and unimportant that I didn't even bother bringing it up again and I didn't even want to be in the poem competition anymore. This was a week ago, but yesterday I heard a song call such nice sounds by Atlas and it really inspired me to write about what hurts or how I feel and how it feels to be on my side of the spectrum. I super excited to be doing this because I think I have a pretty great flow once I get started but it just sucks I dont have anyone to share in the with

Slowly to none

I'm starting to slowly not give a fuck anymore and I feel like none of my friends know I feel or even care to know. I began to think of how in the future I'll be friends with different people and have a boyfriend that I didn't know in high school and we have fun together as if we knew each other so well and for the first time it didn't bother me that some high school friends will eventually be only that and I will never talk to them again. I obviously love my friends now and I hope to always love them, but it just seems like I give a way bigger fuck about things then they seem to or we have different plans that they don't seem to support

This is just how I feel all the time This is also one of my only friends who actually seems to care. I know he can't really help much but it still helps slightly knowing someone cares and having someone I could tell almost everything to

Weight

Since school has started I lost like 10 pounds and now I want to keep that going, so I've started to eat less (1000 cals) even though the recommended is 2000. I was doing pretty okay but then I ate so much today and I feel like I NEED to throw up and get it all out of my system. But I need to like come up with a game plan of how I'm going to do all this. Like I can try to gag myself before I take a shower so the shower noise covers me but I also don't want to waste water. I probably won't be eating breakfast but that's fine because tomorrow is the best opportunity to not eat anything. I come to school late r than usual then I take senior panoramic then I go home and go to work. Since there's no lunch in my schedule I won't feel awkward not eating and since I don't have band after school I wont feel tired or terrible while marching.

The talk I had

Me and my friend had this deep talk and it made me realize how much the guy I like doesn't listen to me and how much I feel like I mean to him and how it doesn't compare to how much he means to me. So last night and today, I didn't think about him. Im only writing this now because I was reminded when he texted me today and Snapchatted me but thats it. I hadnt thought about him in hours and I feel good not thinking about you for a while.

I'm wishing on a still star

I really wish I could tell my friend I like him but there are a few possibilities that would happen and they suck but anyways here they are:

1) I could tell him and he could not like me back and we stop talking and I dont want to do this because he is the only person I love to talk to and I would feel al9ne and pathetic

2) He could say he doesn't like me then we keep talking but it will always be somewhat awkward because he now knows

3) He likes me and we date for a bit then we break up and we stop talking instantly becoming strangers. This scares me the most.

4) I could never tell him and he goes on to saying another girl and I think about what could have been but will never be now.

Out of every friend I've had hes the one I care the most about and the one I love to be around the most. I don't think he'll date anyone in high school because he said they never last so we might have a chance out of high school and it seems a bit like he flirts with me but I could be completely looking for any sign of a chance I can get. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy and over thinking. I hate thinking. All I ever think about now days is about him and fantasizing about how we would be like together. It's so annoying all I do is have

him on my brain every 10 minutes and I wish it would stop

11: 26

All day I was wanting to here your voice and just know you wanted to talk to me and now I have it and I feel like I can breathe. I've never been more crazier in my life about this, but I'm so happy to here you.

We talk

We were so close that night into the morning. It was nice to have been that close and to have talked for so long just to ourselves excluding the group we were in. You'll probably never know this but it was half of a dream I had once.

Night that morning

I'm so much more into him than he is into me. It's crazy how much I think of him and how much I want to be with him and how he can tell me anything but how much I don't think he'll like me back. We only have this year and I really want to stay friends and obviously become more than friends but he doesn't even want to date anyone let alone me. I hurt only myself by almost being in love with someone who doesn't even give a second thought to me

Flowers

Send me a flower for every tear I've cried.

Send me roses for ever tear out of love.

Send me daisies for every tear out of grief.

Send me hibiscus for every tear out of stress.

Tweet 22

I just want someone who is close to talk to. I have never had that and I want that so badly. A friend I bond with and we do every thing together and they just know what to say to make me happy and I can tell all the secrets to and they don't care how long it will take for me to be happy and vise versa with me to them. Basically I just a want a relationship with someone (not nessicarily romantic) who is always there for me and vice versa

Tweet 21

I'm scared that no one will ever see through my pain seeing as that I am the happy/funny/life of the party type person all the time but I really think about death all the time in negative and positive ways about myself and others. I'm constantly paranoid that they make plans without me or purposely try to make me not go or only invite me because im going to find out.

Tweet 20

If I were looking in from the outside would I believe my self the I cry most nights thinking about how much I need someone and have no one. No one that would do anything but talk to me and act like everything is better the next day when this problem of hatred yet conceitedness towards myself happens every day, night, hour, down to the second of my life? If I were looking in from the outside of my life would I do the same thing of trying to comfort myself but then acting like nothing happen the next day.

Tweet 19

I love how my friend didn't want to call me because he was too tired but went to Chipotle like an hour later (6) till like 9 pm and then talk to them in a group call. Everytime Im on the verge of trusting him completely I get pushed back out because of the stupid reality that no one is there for me and no one will ever be there for me because there is no one in my life I completely trust and there will never be anyone in my life I completely trust and for eight now when I don't need it the most I'm completely alone and not by choice. I guess I really am just that annoying to where no one actually wants to be friends with me but they say they want to

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