Ziall Forever @ziallshippingislife - Tumblr Blog

Reminiscence

Seeing him in the flesh in the middle of a loud bar. The person I loved unconditionally for so long standing in front of me who had vanished years ago without explanation. So familiar in all senses.

“Niall.” My name slipped from his lips. My heart cracked inside of me.

“Zayn.”

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“Niall, you going to meet me there?” Harry said over the phone as I was running my fingers through my wet hair.

“Yeah, head out soon, I’ll see you there.” I said and then hung up.

Once again it was Friday night and Harry was ready to drag me to another loud bar to try and get me laid. I smiled to myself knowing he was the only one getting lucky again. Picking up guys was never my strong suit. Yet, every weekend I made my way to the bar to watch one of my best friends pick up these hot guys while I sat drinking by myself.

I heard the front door open and I sighed. I looked myself over in my mirror once again deciding this was the best it was going to get. My brown hair ruffled and my blue button down slightly unbuttoned so my chest could peek out a little.

I heard a soft knock on my door and gently turned to see Liam standing in my doorway.

“Hey Ni.” His voice was soft.

“Hey Li, how was your exam?” I asked, knowing he had been studying hard all week for it.

“It was good, yeah.” He said, smiling at me now.

Liam was working towards finishing up school this year while the rest of us had been out a year before already. We all received full time positions after graduating last year and now Liam was on his way to do the same. Harry and Louis recently moved in together while Liam and I continued to live in the house we had all began living in just before college started.

“What’s up?” I asked, watching him stand in the doorway watching me closely. Liam’s face looked tense, as he tapped his fingers against my door frame.

“I just haven’t heard from you all day and I wanted to make sure you were okay. “

“I’m fine Liam.” I sighed out.

He was quiet now, his fingers coming to a halt and the room falling quiet. I knew he was going to approach me at some point eventually. It had been five years ago today that Zayn had left.

“I’m sorry.” He said gently, opening the door wider so he could walk up behind me. I heard his body rest upon my bed and the squeak from the springs rang throughout the room. “I just want you to be safe tonight. Don’t do anything you’ll regret and call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks.” I replied, my eyes never meeting his. He sat for a couple more seconds in the awkward quietness before he stood and left the room.

Liam was always worried about me, more than anyone else. He always knew when there was something wrong with me. Even today I couldn’t fool him.

I grabbed my wallet from my bedside table and headed for the bar.

My heart was heavy today there was no denying that. But instead of bothering the boys about it I planned on drowning myself in liquor until I couldn’t feel the pain anymore.

Tonight, I knew my mind was going to reminisce. Keeping my thoughts of him out of my brain was going to be impossible. It used to be so difficult not to think of him, but as time went on it got easier. Certain days were harder than others but now it’s not so often I think of him.

At first it was so hard all I did was cry and think about how much I missed him. For weeks and months, I cried every day wondering why he left me and everything he knew behind. It was the worst point in my life. Remembering myself so broken shakes me up still. My friends were so worried about me doing something stupid they would take turns watching me.

I was in love, and I thought he was too. We were ready to start a new life together. But before it even began, he split. I called and texted him for days but I never received a response. He had removed himself from all social media so he had vanished entirely.

He had completely left me in the dark. Not knowing why made it even harder to get over him. I couldn’t eat, sleep or move. All I did was sit in my room and cry. Until one day I realized this pain wouldn’t last forever.

You see I’ve learned time is the only treatment for pain. It may never go away completely, but getting used to the feeling of the despair in your heart sets in and becomes familiar. Not only will it fade but you will accept it and learn to live with that scar.

Pictures and videos will haunt your memory, but will also be bittersweet. It’s the memories that wrap themselves around the heart and brain that make you weep. Never able to forget the reminders that find their way back to you.

Zayn left without a goodbye. Not a single word. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in five years. A relationship so beautifully perfect which was broken so suddenly with no explanation or warning.

How does one move on from losing someone who was once so precious? It fades, but never disappears. There will be no cure. Love is a tattoo on the heart.

I finally made it to the bar and walked inside. I waved to Harry seeing him chatting up some short blonde laughing at one of his jokes if I had to guess. I didn’t want to interrupt so I quickly headed to the bar.

I headed to my usual table after ordering and taking down a couple drinks and a shot to help get my head buzzing.

As I was getting ready to sit down a face I recognized moved to stand right in front of me. After years of repair, which proved to be so difficult, just one glance had ripped that scar on my heart open again to bleed and ache.

Seeing him in the flesh in the middle of a loud bar. The person I loved unconditionally for so long standing in front of me who had vanished years ago without explanation. So familiar in all senses.

“Niall.” My name slipped from his lips. My heart cracked inside of me.

“Zayn.”

Our eyes were connected, the nostalgic feeling washing over me. We stood staring for what felt like hours but in reality was merely seconds before his lips began to move again.

“You look great.” He smiled at me as his eyes were glancing at my body now, up and down, the flicker of gold hitting the lights.

My chest was tight and my eyes began to burn. My insides were boiling and I began to clench my fists so tight I felt my skin begin to tear from my fingernails.

“S-So do you.” I choked out, unsure of what I should even say. My mind was racing. I was confused and unsure if this was even real. The music was loud but his voice was the only thing thumping in my ears.

“It’s been a long-“

“I have to go.” I rushed out and quickly turned on my heel and headed for the exit. I slammed my drink down on the nearest table top and ducked out past the bouncer.

I heard him call my name but I continued to run.

My vision was blurry from the vodka and my steps were shaky. The familiar severe pain I felt throughout my chest was getting heavier with every step I took. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I slowed down to rest my back against a fence.

I reached into my pocket and quickly began to dial the first person who came to mind.

“Niall?” Liam answered quickly. I tried to speak but I was choked up. “What’s going on?” He questioned again. I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Zayn’s back.”

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The ride home was a lot quieter than I thought it would be. Liam picked me up on the corner of some street I couldn’t even remember and I climbed in without a single word. We were silent, straining to listen to the radio which was turned down low.

When we pulled in the driveway he shut off the engine but continued to stare straight out the windshield not looking at me.

“You’re kidding me, right?” He asked then, his voice dark.

I saw his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white. I bit at my thumbnail trying to keep the tears settled inside of me. I still couldn’t speak.

“What the hell.” He breathed out his grip loosening and his shoulders slumping. “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing?” He asked bewildered. “He comes back tonight of all nights, catches you at a bar, and he says nothing?”

I felt a tear slip past my eye and I breathed in deeply.

“I think, I should just- I need to get some sleep.” I barely whimpered out. I could feel Liam’s concerning eyes on me.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk Niall?” He asked carefully. I knew he wanted to talk. Zayn leaving not only hurt me but the rest of us as well. But the cut on my heart was aching so much I could barely breathe.

“I can’t.”

I opened the door and stepped out of the car leaving Liam behind me.

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My eyes cracked open as the light was shining through the slits of my shades onto my face. My nose felt stuffy and my eyes were heavy.

I didn’t want to let myself cry all night but the sobs shook through me without hesitation. There was nothing I could do to stop them. Seeing him was unbelievable and I felt broken all over again.

I kicked my blankets off and headed for the door hearing voices coming from the living room. I knew Liam was home today, but I didn’t think he would be up so early.

I walked down the hallway and turned the corner only for my heart to skip a beat and plunge itself into my throat.

“I really don’t think-“ Liam cut himself off when I entered.

“Niall.” He said, but I was not looking at him at all. Beyond him standing at the door was Zayn.

It was quiet then. My eyes locked with his once again. His hair was strewn across his forehead and the sweater he wore was mine. My heart began to pound and I ran my shaky fingers through my hair, hoping it wasn’t too rough from my horrible night sleep.

“It’s eight in the morning what do you want?” I gritted my teeth, tearing my eyes away and walking to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee.

“I was hoping we could possibly talk.” Zayn said to me, but my back was facing him so he couldn’t see my puffy eyes. I poured my sugar into my coffee and stirred it while clanking the spoon against the mug multiple times.

I heard footsteps walk away and a door shut gently. I sighed knowing Liam went to his room and now I was alone with him.

“About what?” I asked blandly. My fingers loosely holding onto the end of the spoon.

“Listen.” He breathed out gently, his footsteps getting closer, but my back was still turned. “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m back. And I’m also guessing you want an explanation.”

I threw the spoon in the sink then, the rage coming at me full force. I turned around to face him his eyes were pained and stained red like mine.

“I don’t need you to explain yourself.” I seethed.

“Well, I just wanted to apologize-“

“I don’t need your apology either.”

Zayn nodded carefully but continued to step closer to me. I tried to move back but the sink was already pushed into the bottom of my spine.

“Look, Ni.” He reached out towards me and I smacked his hand away immediately.

“Stop.” I warned him, watching his eyes skate back and forth between his hand and my face. I could feel myself burning bright red and the tears were welling back behind my eyes. I didn’t want to let them fall though. I needed to be strong here.

“There’s never been a day that went by that I didn’t think of you.” He admitted, and I felt a pain shoot through my body so intense I thought I was going to pass out. I tried to ignore it though by trying to numb myself from his words.

“I don’t care.”

“I mean it. I want you to know.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You can say it doesn’t matter all you want but you know it does.” He stepped even closer, our eyes connecting and our noses almost touching. My breath hitched in my throat and I wanted to push him away so bad but I couldn’t bring myself to move.

“Don’t you even dare tell me what matters and what doesn’t.” I whispered out, my body starting to tremble.

“Niall, I know I hurt you but-“

“You can’t even come close to understanding the immense pain I felt Zayn!” I screamed then while finally finding my strength to push him back. “You don’t get to come back after all these years and throw this garbage at me and tell me how to feel!”

I felt the tears falling down my face. Containing them was too much for me to handle. I was angry. I felt so much pain looking at him standing in front of me. He looked different. He was thinner, his hair was longer. I could see an unfamiliar tattoo poking out underneath the rolled-up sleeve of my gray sweater.

His face looked upset. His eyes filled with distress. He was staring at me as the tears continued to roll down my red cheeks.

“Niall I’m sorry, okay I needed to get away. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was afraid if I stayed I would hurt both of us.” He explained, trying to get closer to me again. I just closed my eyes and let my head fall towards the ground, unable to look at him anymore.

“You broke me anyway, Zayn.” I choked out. “For weeks, for months even, I cried every damn day thinking and asking myself what did I do that was so wrong that you couldn’t even talk to me.”

His hands rested on my face then. His thumbs brushing at my tears. My heart was racing and my heart was aching. My hands came up to grab at his wrists as I continued to sob.

“Niall, it wasn’t you.” He tried to explain but I shook my head.

“I felt so abandoned by the person I loved and trusted the most. You need to understand that I was so fucking broken!” I yelled, gripping his wrists tight and pulling his gentle hands off my face.

“It wasn’t about you Niall!” He screamed back and I winced at the pain I heard laced in his voice. “It was about me and what I had to do.”

I glared at him then and he stared back with tears welling in his own eyes now. I rolled mine then, letting go of his wrists and turning my back on him once again.

“We were together. It was about us.”

“I’m sorry Ni, please-.”

“I can’t listen to this anymore. You need to leave.” I cut him off.

“Don’t do this.” He pleaded, but this was too much for me. I needed it to stop.

“Get out.”

“Ni-“

“I said get out!” I yelled and it was quiet for a minute. Then I heard footsteps leaving and the front door slammed shut.

I sobbed then, my face leaned over the sink and my tears were landing heavy on the stainless steel. Even after all this time my heart was still in so much pain.

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Thank you

ZIALLFOREVER

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