Kariertes Linienpapier

Salo hier, seit etwas mehr als 20 Jahren

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Coming Home - Leon Bridges

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horses or heroes

show em. no. only myself.

show myself. not because of pride but out of love and devotion.

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dharma

path of most excitement

free, wild, raw, honest

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the year of the fire horse

-allow magic

-cheesy selflove

-find out whats next

-follow love, the voice, excitement and everything else

-rain and movies

-highs without the crash

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- we are heroes -

sounds good that voice that tells you to do that specific thing

loved it

aarggghgggggggggg are my twenties almost over??? i don't think so. alright i have two years left and even after that tons of years to discover through with or without that voice.

i thought about the color today. and maybe it would help instead of prescriptions.

i do not hear the voice right now. i hear multiple but they are all saying tons of things.

so what if i just raw dog it again? like with no afterthought, like back in my old days. music has a way of speaking to you.

maybe that voice is singing and i have to join.

many years of listening and many different colors.

2026 the year of the horse.

horses walk; run at times.

sooooooooo that's a good sign right? we can be heroes just for a day

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the person in heaven

she is always there.

when i see dumb tiktoks like that, you come to my mind immediately. the warmth and comfort your smile gave me in these times. I'm holding on to memories, because that is whats left, but not only that. its also the love you left inside me that expresses every time i am generous and loving without expecting anything back. If i ever turn out like you, i know i did things right.

i like to think you are rooting for me. i like to think you are watching me quietly. i like to think you are happy. i like to think that you are happy for me. i wish so very often. if i had a time machine id go back just to introduce you to him. just to show you i found love thats just as unconditional as yours. sometimes i feel ashamed of the time and its effects. like forgetting your voice, the way you moved and the details of your face. it is fading and i guess that makes sense. if there is this otherworldly way of still knowing- i would tell you all that.

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my old ways

lately i think a lot about my old ways.

i even talked about it today.

what an odd thing to say.

and i had to catch some air.

the shame built up, just as much as the need for oxygen.

often i think about aging- but i keep wondering if I mature the same way time goes by.

and in the depths of my space are big skyscrapers, surrounded by nothing but grey. clouds forming into nothingness. the ground is shaking and the winds gently touch surfaces. still untouched. some might wonder why. some might know nothing about the whole thing. and wonder is all thats left. better that then nothing.

but why is nothing coming through, when did it happen? maybe because intensity hurts just as much as its euphorically awesome. i dont know if that even made sense-

i guess sometimes i mourn my old ways, even if i cannot breath while i try to talk about it.

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you become the best player when you're not even aware of the game.

A: oh wow. you still here?

B: Sure why wouldn't I? A: I don't know, fear maybe. B: yeah i get that a lot. But i keep surprising myself even.

A: how do you do that?

B: by being bluntly unaware. A: I guess that makes sense. B: you know, it works the best in times of change. A: oh wow. you still doing that?

B: i guess so.

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glimmer glimmer

oh i slept so good.

like never before, since the burden is lifted.

what a relief, not entirely but almost.

blooming blooming blooming.

and everything will be good. already.

just waiting for the turnaround.

i invest and now i wait.

hopefully no echo, but an answer

worth the wait.

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i stay quiet so to speak

open my eyes, all i see, your dark brown eyes looking at me close my eyes, nothing there, all i see, your long straight hair

build these walls, nice and steep

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love will last forever. it transcends lifetimes

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canim canim canim canim canim

Wünsche zu Weihnachten.

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27 soon

guess aging happens to everyone. i just have to remind myself that it is okay. everything is.

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2025

i only have two honest ones:

not being stressed anymore

being myself & allowing it to be seen for who i am

i have a few other ones:

-being honest

-follow excitement

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a way in

In art i find refuge

A space in which the infinite

Is present

As a window opening into portals of another world

A place of wonders

All i am or

Nothing i am

Can exist in the realm

Of potential

As a space in which i am allowed tob e

To express the unexplicable

The rotten, the ugly, the dirty work

As if a place is sacred enough to call it space

To breathe

Art is captivating to essence of existence

And with every day i understand more

And question everything i know

In which knowing is simply nothing but thought

That exists in observed space

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bittersweet 20's

I'll blink and I'll be 30, and so will be everyone else.

someone once said "Your 20's are for working through your traumas, and your 30's are for finally living peacefully and comfortable as yourself"

i mean i got 4 good years ahead of me. 4 YEARS- that is actually insane.

4 years rushed through like a film roll

or

4 years as in the best of your life

who knows

4 more years being in my 20's.

I'll just pretend I'm not afraid,

fake it till you make it.

right?

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pathway of self

what is true self?

A song that is present for such a long time, 5 years to be specific. almost 5.

I'm working on this mystery since my early days, but currently grasping it in a different way.