Why I Use Safewords (Even With Trusted Partners)
Every so often, I read about someone who only plays without safewords or someone who chooses to give up their safeword as a D/s relationship grows. I’ve always been fascinated by their reasoning. For me, having a safeword in place is an absolute necessity. Even if I never use it once my partner gets to know me, I have to know it’s there. It’s not that I don’t trust my partner or that he doesn’t know me well enough. Here are reasons why I will always have a safeword:
It gives my Dominant the confidence to push me into new territory. Above all else, my Dominant needs to know without a doubt that he has my consent. That’s easier in well-traveled areas. He knows how I will react and how much I can take. But I want us to grow. I want us to learn new things about each other. I want to see that sadistic glimmer in his eyes and feel that tingle of fear when I have no idea what he has in store for me. But if I don’t have a way to withdraw consent, how does he know he has it? Without a safeword in place, he would probably go slower. Inch toward new territory, with lots of debriefing. The safeword allows him to take us to new places with confidence. He can have me walk narrower tightropes at higher heights when we know there’s a safety net. He trusts me to use it when I can’t take any more, and I trust him to respect it completely. With that, he can push me much further.
It reinforces the idea that we are inherently equal. My submission does not make me less than my Dominant. I am not weaker or less capable. I am worthy of respect and must be seen as an equal partner in my relationship. I wouldn’t date a Dominant who didn’t see it that way. In our day-to-day routine, he decides and I obey. But the safeword is a reminder that I only give what I choose to. Even if I never use it, it shows that I have an equal voice. Maybe for some people, that undermines the feeling of power exchange. For us, it strengthens it. Because even as he’s spitting on me or slapping me in the face or making me cry, he knows it’s what I choose.
I’m not the same me every day. Some days things that are usually easy become hard. Sometimes I don’t know it until he does a thing. The thing he’s done countless times before—the thing I usually take joyfully—sends me to a dark and lonely place. Maybe it’s been a rough day at work. Maybe I’m worried about my sick kid. Maybe something has sparked an insecurity. It’s unpredictable. No amount of getting to know me will keep these moments from happening.
Sometimes it’s fucking hot. Imagine being reminded at the beginning of a scene that “you have your safewords if you need them.” It’s like that moment at the top of a rollercoaster. Oh fuuuuuuck. What is he going to do to me? This is less critical than the other three. But I’m all heart eyes just thinking about it.
The more my Monsieur and I get to know each other, the less likely I am to safeword. He can bring me closer and closer to the line each time, gasping and trembling and working to take as much as I can for him. But even if I never use it, the safeword is essential to feeling respected, nurtured, and deeply owned in my dynamic. I can’t imagine ever giving it up.
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