Dirty Little Coward

'Lord, please hide me!' (original; independent; selective; private)

[gladly-beyond]

Jen Mazza’s series Self Deceit  presents mundane, ambiguous and irrational tableaux who’s paint seems to pulsate and ooze, despite being long since dry. There is nothing overtly strange about these pieces, and yet…

[bogisms-blog]

So, tomorrow my blog is going to be three weeks old and just??? WTF? Where’d you all come from? I want to thank you all for coming in and taking the time to see my baby of an OC. I’ve fallen hard and fast for this muse and I’m really happy everyone is taking him so well. So I thought I’d make a Morsel List, er, Follow Forever.

     And please forgive me if I forgot you on this cause I am King      of being incredibly scatter brained and I know I’ll forget someone.         Just know that I sincerely love all of you and I’ll probably do          another of these in the future.

The Morsels (In No Particular Order): wasacoyote, dreamrceaper, , theeldritchmortician, crvckcd, fracturedxinnocence, soulstealingcat, breathdrawn, tiktikboom, manipulativereporter, cogiitatio, xgoblin, mutationemx, causariia, makehimbleed, specixlprojects, harpstringxheartstrings, hollyyleaf, dominusofhell, chaxtique, influencedbyfear, plaguedaughter, fxrsight (or notsxbad), switchbladewitch, neoncycles, wicked-and-wild-things, kuhlipsoh, mrosbxrn, taseredxhim, ahornypoet, rosie-harper, mayyounever, txssxract

The Appetizers (Those I have small things with that I want to continue): adviivo, deathxhound, thebloodcoldhunter, shxislove, utxpiadystxpia, mysilverxqueen, irenologys, xindigni, zinnerthesinner, hellofajob, hellsxking, thetruththatshouldbe, theoriginalbloodcountess, theylaughedatmemama, imperiusing, darkenedanimal, aphoticmirror,  thornglow, nobelpage

The Next Course (Those I stalk from Afar): journaliistic, poliished, savagiing, fracturedportrait, impxled, wolfinsheriffsclothing, pettydabblings, xconfined, satiaviit, swxmpy, thiievery, feraliity, ribbonisms

[melissastallard]

[tonsofland]

this land.

[zinnerthesinner]

Gonna spend the rest of my night on my main, but like this for a starter (or better yet, message me for plotting) and I'll be sure to get to those and to the rest of my replies tomorrow.

[nrvless]

Caspar David Friedrich  Kreuz und Kathedrale im Gebirge

[nevver]

Darkness on the edge of town, Sally Mann

[carnivalgraveyards]

[calamitystar]

Sentence Meme (Fight Club Quotes)

[zinnerthesinner]

"On a long enough time line, the survival rate of everyone drops to zero."

"The things you own end up owning you."

"This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time."

"You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick."

"You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis."

"You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."

"I’m not disclosed to bespeak any such information to you, nor would I, even if I had said information you want, at this juncture be able."

"You know, you are such a nutcase, I can’t even begin to keep up!"

"My eyes are open."

"Whatever else happens, I’ve got that sofa problem handled."

"I wasn’t really dying. I wasn’t host to cancer or parasites. I was the warm little center that the life of this world crowded around."

"I am enlightened."

"Hey, even the Mona Lisa’s falling apart."

"No one will have sex with me."

"I’ve got a stomachful of Xanax. I took what was left of a bottle. It might have been too much."

"Candy-stripe a cancer ward. It’s not my problem."

"I am free in all the way you are not."

"Fuck you! I am sick of all your shit!"

"What do you want me to do? You want me to hit you?"

"How much can you know yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?"

"I don’t wanna die without any scars."

"I want you to hit me as hard as you can."

"How embarrassing…a house full of condiments and no food."

"What kind of dining set defines me as a person?"

"Something on your mind, dear?"

"Man, you’ve got some fucked up friends, I’m tellin’ ya."

"If I didn’t say anything, people always assumed the worst."

"Deja vu - all over again."

"Stop trying to control everything and just let go!"

"Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We’re God’s unwanted children, so be it!"

"You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you, never wanted you, and in all probability, he hates you. It’s not the worst thing that can happen."

"This isn’t a real suicide thing. This is probably one of those cry-for-help things."

"Is that your blood?"

"Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?"

"You don’t know where I’ve been!"

"Fuck what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that’s your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me."

"I wouldn’t feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say?"

"If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?"

"You’re insane."

"Self improvement is masturbation. Now, self destruction…"

"You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh."

"You’re not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax."

"Yeah, you’re sorry, I’m sorry, everybody’s sorry."

"You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help."

"I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom."

"I know it seems like I have more than one side sometimes…"

"More than one side? You’re Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass!"

"I’ll bring us through this. As always. I’ll carry you - kicking and screaming - and in the end you’ll thank me."

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."

"Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."

"With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything’s far away. Everything’s a copy of a copy of a copy."

"I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more."

"You wanna make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs."

"Every evening I died, and every evening I was born again, resurrected."

"I know everything you do, so if you know, I know."

"You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me."

"If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?"

"It’s cheaper than a movie, and there’s free coffee."

"Where’d you go, psycho boy?"

"I felt like destroying something beautiful."

"It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you’re sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car."

"When people think you’re dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak."

"First, you have to give up. First, you have to know, not feat, that someday you’re gonna die."

"You met me at a very strange time in my life."

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I’d never see. I wanted to breathe smoke."

"And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete."

"Why do people think that I’m you?!"

"When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleepand you’re never really awake."

"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

[mrosbxrn-blog]

     ❝ I doubt that it’s true. There are other jobs,         somebody that’ll take you in and — ❞

  He’ll stop himself mid-sentence. No. He shouldn’t   be so worried about him. It wasn’t his life. He could   not control what the other chose to do or not. 

  Besides, he didn’t even know Mike. How could he   even give good advice to someone whom he had   no knowledge of?

                        That’s right.                         You can’t. 

     ❝ Right . . ❞

[zinnerthesinner]

No, Mr. Osborn. No.

No one was going to hire a Piney for anything. No one would trust him with anything or want him around. It was that simple. He could only be one of three things; a crim- -inal, a lunatic, or a freak of nature. Those were the only people things that existed in the Barrens.

As it so happened, Mike was the latter. Thankfully, though, he could still mostly pass off as normal, save for his twi- -sted, crooked fingers.

But Mike Zinner never spoke up to anyone. If Mr. Osborn was to be mistaken – let him be mistaken. It didn’t really matter, anyway – nothing ‘bout the Barrens ever did.

”… y’could learn how to do it yourself. It’s just gone hurt a helluva lot more.” Bad. He was so bad at humor.

[infxrnos-blog]

[✞]

“ Dangerous? Do I look like a girl that gives a hoot about danger? " She laughed a little in slight disbelief, stopping in front of Mike. “ Since when does anyone here care about safety? It doesn’t matter how safe something is as long as you perform well. “ Her tone held a note of amusement but was bitter as well.

      Truthfully, the only thing that mattered here was money. Yes, you could make some friends here and there, but if you’re not bringing any tickets in you’re as good as dead. Ms. Elsa told her that around her first week here, and not too lightly. Maybe she wasn’t giving her all in a performance, who knows why that warning was spat at her after dark. It did scare her though, so getting better and more ’ exotic ’ was her only option. It did warm the girls heart that someone bothered to ask, though. It was mighty dangerous, and it felt weird that some one expressed a little bit of concern.

“ Oh, I’m not that talented… " Compliments were almost a second energy source for Kenya, she absolutely loved them. If it wasn’t looked at as rude, she’d pretty much force people to say nice things about her all day. In an act of humbleness the girl turned her face away while looking at the ground. He’s damn right she was talented. Way too talented for this trash of a place. “ You’ve got some talent in ya too! You do things I couldn’t ever dream of doing. " She could never do anything that Mike does in his acts, it would be next to impossible for her.

   Kenyas face suddenly scrunched up in distaste. Quickly looking around, she started to whisper with venom in her voice. “ Hell no! This is the last place I ever wanted to end up! Every one here makes me uncomfortable and we don’t get paid enough at all. Shoot, if I could afford to I’d leave this place in the dust. " She hadn’t expected to talk about the freak show so strongly without warning, but Lord knows she’s been keeping her feelings bottled up for a while. “ Would you stay longer than you had to? “

[zinnerthesinner]

It doesn’t matter how safe something is as long as you perform well.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Trust Mike Zinner to care about safety. Trust him to worry and panic about it. Trust Mike Zinner to forever fear for his own, pitiful little life. The only reason he did his act was because he knew it was safe. Because he knew it was all a show – that he was not really being handcuffed, tied, locked in a box or bound in a straitjacket. It was all just good, healthy humor.

… right?

He nodded, a crooked, little uncomfortable smile on his lips. Of course. Others enjoyed the thrill of danger (Kenya included, as it would seem) – who was he to ever judge them?

Yeah, he supposed that was right – she couldn’t do what he did. “Maybe s’for the better.” He commented, smile turning ever so slightly wider; that was right, she couldn’t. Because she wasn’t ill. No sickness in her bones. Better to be a freak by choice than by birth -- better to be a firebreather than an escape artist. Better to be a healthy, normal human being who didn’t flinch and cringe at every little sound. She was better off that way.

The boy’s expression changed into something of wonder; of surprise. It was true that just about any other place in the world be an improvement of conditions from his own home – so, in most cases, Mike would be blindly grateful to be working anywhere at all. But… even if Kenya knew better places – if she didn’t like this one, why was she there? Why didn’t she leave, if she wanted to? Go to Coney Island?

Longer than he had to? Oh, friend. Mike wasn’t going anywhere. Ever, most likely. He never wanted to return to the Barrens – never wanted to be a thief again. He hated didn't like Coney Island – and other than Elsa Mars’ freakshow… there was nowhere to go.

He would stay there until he died one way or another.

”Well… have to’s a bit hard ta define.” What could he say? I haven’t a nickel to my name and I’mma work myself to the ground? Not a great conversational topic, in the least. “Why don’tcha leave, then?” When all else fails, revert the conversation to others. “If y’hate it here so much?”

[infxrnos-blog]

[♱]

Kenya moved her head back a little and wrinkled her nose. The smell of alcohol on his breath was almost over whelming. She’d never had taken him as the type to drink like that. Letting out an exasperated sigh, her head dipped down in a mixture of relief and exasperation. The pounding of her heart caused a hand to come up and cover the spot in an effort to calm down. Lord she was angry, but at the same time slightly grateful. Curls bounced as the girls head snapped up to glare at the unwelcome guest on her couch. “ Well, this isn’t your trailer! It’s mine! " She cried out before roughly letting go of him and stepping back.

           A brief flash of red.

    “ Why are you drinking so late? Du yuh know what time ah!? Mi almost kill yuh! " The patois was coming out thick, not that Kenya noticed it. She was stomping her feet out of anger, not paying mind to the hot tears running down her face. She hated this place and never wanted to leave more than now. “ Yu ah drunk and bleedin’…! " She quickly ran her fingers through her hair and groaned. Calming down would be the best thing, it was like her anger was coming out in uncontrollable spurts. Turning away from Mike, ideas of what to do flushed in her mind.

“ Okay…Okay…I’m sorry Houdini… " Hazel eyes looked over at his leg and widened. It looked disgusting, and was probably broken. “ We have to call the ambulance! Like, now… " Kenya looked around helplessly. Her trailer didn’t have a phone ( for some reason ) and she didn’t know the first thing to do.

    In an attempt to make him feel better, she took off her robe and tried to tie it around his leg the best she could. Honestly, she was next to useless when it came to injuries. “ Ah…How much d-does it hurt? “ Oh, Ms. Elsa was not going to be happy.

[zinnerthesinner]

”Yeah, I figured!” The boy squirmed, lips twisted in a pained expression as he dare peek over Kenya’s head at the condition of his limb. Blood was seeping through his tattered, brown pinstripe trousers that belonged in another decade. The scorching pain of bone tearing through flesh and skin was quite evident now, pulsating through his leg with every beat of his heart. Mother of Christ. He didn’t want to know how bad it was.

His gaze snapped back to her at the sound of that peculiar accent – he might have made note of it if not for the tears that were coming down Kenya’s face in thick drops.

Oh, God.

                                         There was the guilt.

”Y’don’t -- y’don’t oughta be sorry. ‘M sorry!” He pushed himself up on his elbows, attempting to bend his good knee under him so that he could push himself to his feet. He knew better, knew better than to drink, knew better than to let the other carnies trick him into it. He should have known better but, alas – Mike Zinner was a spineless, cowardly idiot.

                                                                                  NO.

Lass dich von niemandem nach innen! No hospital, no ambulance, no nothin’. Vertrauen Sie niemandem! There would be no hospital. Freaks knew to tend to their own – surely, someone around here knew enough to at least patch the poor boy up.

”Look --“ He began, but paused as she wrapped her rope around his wound and tied it there tightly. How much did it hurt? Like a motherfucker. “I -- thanks – look – just help me up ta my feet ‘n we’ll go to see Miss Mars. She’ll know what to do better than any hospital.”

[zinnerthesinner]

Not dead! Will resume normal activity tomorrow.

[zinnerthesinner]

The deal is as follows: there's no easy way to explain this, haha. I've been living in Germany for the past six months and, tomorrow morning, I'm moving back home. Probably not going to be available until Monday evening - maybe a bit longer, depending how much attention my fiance demands from me.

[fairygut]

[zinnerthesinner]

infxrnos replied to your post: infxrnos replied to your post: infxrnos replied to...

( Good thing my family gets all the facts first lol. I try to give people on the facts especially on facebook, but there’s only so much you can do to people who won’t listen. I hope things get better! :( )

//Exactly. I always avoid mentioning my nationality since I've experienced hate for it on some of my other blogs - but, well. I'm a very extroverted person, so making me not want to talk is rather major. It's upsetting and depressing and I couldn't keep silent.

You family are good people. As are you. Thank you for standing up for what's right.<3

[zinnerthesinner]

infxrnos replied to your post: infxrnos replied to your post: PSA: The mun of...

( yes! my dad took the time to explain some things to me, and it’s really complex?? I was really confused, so I did more research and I felt so bad. People here think Israeli hate is okay and it’s frustrating af )

//Exactly. I've been living it all my life and I don't fully understand it myself. But most people aren't like you - most people don't bother to do their own research, just swallow up what the media feeds them and never bother to even consider that there are two sides to every story. Thank you for your understanding bb. It is not taken for granted.

[zinnerthesinner]

infxrnos replied to your post: PSA: The mun of this blog is Israeli. And every...

( yes bae i understand how you feel it can really reallyyy hurt. My dad’s in the military, visited Israel and loved it so much. He hates the anti-Israeli comments he sees on facebook and the like and makes sure I know it’s never okay )

//Military folks usually get it. I did foreign affairs in the IDF for two years and got to meet a lot of lovely foreign officers who treated us with nothing but kindness. I'm glad you have your father to shine some light on the matter.

The situation here isn't black and white - but it just feels like utter shit when people who have done absolutely zero research into the matter think they have the right to judge us.