I wish I believed in god.
I was raised Roman Catholic, like most of inhabitants of Poland. I don't think I ever actually believed in any sort of divine being. I remember being a child and looking up at the ceiling of my local church during an especially boring mass. I would think to myself that Jesus himself is hiding in the attic and looking at us, his followers through the air ducts. I'd imagine a bearded man in his thirties just peeking at me, bored and disinterested.
I don't remember the point where I stopped. In 5th or 6th grade in religion class we'd read a passage from the course book, first everybody quietly by ourselves, then we'd talk about it. I'd always ask questions - always taking the reading very literally and the teacher, smiling patiently, telling me that, yes I am correct, my questions are very reasonable. But that it is all a metaphor. So I said once - but who decides which parts are a metaphor and which aren't. I did not receive a satisfying answer.
So I never believed in god.
An angsty teenager I despised people who did. A bunch of bullshit, made up to manipulate and control people. Priests who did not deserve to have such power.
At some point I started to admire religious people. Started to envy them. They had a purpose in life. For them life is but a short journey to eternal life in heaven. Or eternal damnation in hell. Either way, this is not all. Death is not the end. Even typing these words, thinking about it now, the idea seems so surreal and simply false to me. And yet it is so... hopeful. That the life we're given serves a bigger purpose. That it isn't just a pure coincidence that this particular sperm made it to the egg and so here I am. So silly.
Yet it is not the reason why I wish I believed. I do because then I could defy god and his stupid rules. I could laugh in his face by living the way he made me. I could say, look at me, I am not afraid to be disobedient, doing what I think is right. I could fight a war with him over my soul.
Breaking my own moral rules is not nearly as fun, if it is at all. It is hypocrisy at best. Boring.
Also, I have a catholicism kink and would 100% fuck a nun in an old and stuffy Italian cathedral. Ooopsie. Considering wearing a rosary as a jewelry and hanging a holy picture of Jesus on a wall and masturbating in front of it.
Anyone know any good blasphemous films?
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