if you reblog this post i will block you with no hesitation.
warnings for discussion of mental health, drugs, overdoses, death, and other possibly upsetting topics. please stay safe
at the end of last week, i announced that to have a friend would be going on hiatus. this is because my best friend’s older brother was found dead in his apartment on friday. he died of an overdose
i found out on my way into work. i work in the small business that friend’s mom owns. i answered the phone and my friend, who i’m gonna call x, was crying, and the first thing she said to me was “surprise, i’m coming home this weekend”
the thing about that short conversation that struck me the most was her saying “i always thought about this happening, but now it’s real”
her brother, who i’ll call y, struggled with bullying and mental health for most of his life. he dealt with drug addiction and most recently, he had a psychic break and was hospitalized for hallucinations. i remember leaving an assembly about drugs with x because she was crying so much, i remember her telling me that she used to threaten to run away if her mom didn’t kick y out the house
we all thought y was doing better. he had a job that he really liked, he was an artist, and we never really talked, but i saw him helping around his mom’s business sometimes when he came up to visit.
i don’t have to say the parallels. you can see them yourself.
and it’s not even just parallels that i’ve drawn. some of them x has drawn herself. she connects very strongly to zoe. requiem is a song that’s incredibly personal to her. due to these, i’ve made my requiem animatic on youtube private out of respect for the family, because i was depicting situations she has lived through.
not only that, but i saw dear evan hansen with x and her mother. she’s one of the reasons i got so invested in deh. i remember her getting so mad at heidi, because even though heidi tried her best, she lives as a single mother with a mentally ill child and was angry when heidi yelled. i remember x and her curled up together sobbing during so big, so small because it hit so close to home
i cannot divorce dear evan hansen from x and y. i cannot divorce zoe and connor from x and y.
i have used this story and this fandom to process so many of my emotions, but this is something that i can’t process through this format. i have so many wips that truly just feel insensitive and horrible to continue writing, because they feel too close to home, because no matter what i write, i can’t bring y back
if you’ve read this far, the family is asking for people to donate to shatterproof, an organization dedicated to treating addiction and supporting addicts. if you are able to, i’d appreciate it if you’d consider donating to their cause
i’ll try to finish thaf at some point, but i don’t want to make any promises. if you’re interested in seeing my writing elsewhere, you can keep an eye out on @transanabeth. after thaf is finished, this blog will likely be mostly abandoned. thank you for your continued support and your understanding.
