Discover Top Posts Tagged with #not deh

Jun 3, 2018

The Queen

I was known around my school as “The Queen”.

No one said it to my face, of course, no one would dare to. But everyone whispered about the queen, the girl who runs the school, who could get any guy, who aces all her classes and shows up to every party and still finds time to be on the cheer team. Everyone knew about the perfect girl living the perfect life.

They weren’t wrong though. I practically am a queen. I live in a three story house with my two rich parents, I was the captain of the cheer team, and I’ve dated half of the varsity football team.

The trouble is, I never wanted any of it.

Plus, I had a secret, that no one knew. Well two secrets really.

The first is that I never wanted to be popular and I hated every single second of it.

The second is that I’m gay.

So, how does a lesbian who loves science end up where I am? Truth is, pure coincidence.

In middle school some guy asked me out on a dare and I said yes. Then a second guy asked me out, just to ask me out.

Turns out he was really good at football, and when we hit high school he got onto the varsity team as a freshman. Dating a varsity football player does great things for your image. Suddenly people actually seemed to care about me, and I guess I got more popular.

I was late to puberty, but I did get lucky when it finally hit. My boobs got bigger, I grew more into my body, somehow got curves in the right places. My pimples multiplied, but my friends taught me how to use makeup. Shortly after that I went from being the freshman dating a football player to being one of the hottest girls in my class.

I loved to dance, I’d been taking lessons since I was in elementary school, and my friend convinced me to try out for cheer for sophomore year. I made the team, plus dumped my boyfriend only to get asked out by a junior. My image exploded, people I didn’t even know wanted to be my friend.

Teachers loved me too, I loved science and topped my class in the subject. When I wasn’t cheering I was in the science teacher’s room, and for some reason that made me even more likable.

I got better at makeup, got even more fit from cheer, and rose in popularity. Without even meaning to I ended my sophomore year at the top of my year, dating the most popular junior, getting invited to parties for people I didn’t even know, and earning the nickname of queen after only two years of high school.

People worshipped me. They loved the idea of me.

The irony was that I was the one person who hated myself more than anything else.

I realized that I liked girls when I was six. I realized that liking girls wasn’t normal when I was seven. And I realized I would never have the courage to come out when I was twelve.

My parents, though supportive, were conservative. They hated the idea of same sex couples, despised even watching news about it. Every time I brought a new guy home, they smiled at me. They always asked me when I thought I would get married, what kind of guy I thought it’d be. I learned quickly they would never accept that they person I would want to marry is a girl.

When Matt asked me out on a dare way back in seventh grade, I said yes. I said yes because I knew that was what normal, straight girls would say. But I’d be crushing on someone else, someone who made me feel light and nervous and giddy. She was cute, she had long yellow hair and blue eyes and had the brightest smile I had ever seen.

Matt never made me feel any of those things; no guy ever did.

So where am I now?

I’m half a semester into my junior year. Andrew, my boyfriend from last year, broke up with me for being distant. I’m currently single, meaning I get hit on about every ten minutes from jocks and nerds alike.

I’m the cheer captain, usually it’s a senior but since I was, as my coach said, “exceptional”, I get the title. Personally I think it’s just because I’m the only girl on my team who knows a thing about proper dance and knows how to use techniques, plus the only two senior girls on our team just use cheer as an excuse to get high behind the school during practice.

My parents pressure me to maintain at least a 3.8 GPA, meaning I’m at a perfect 4.0 and don’t intend to change it. They bring up college all the time, especially ivy league schools like the ones they went to.

I have a hundred friends, only five good ones, and zero best friends. Which I’m used to, since people started being intimidated by me as early as freshman year.

And I have a giant, hopeless, potentially dangerous crush on a girl. Juliana call-me-June Stanger to be specific.

She’s 5’5”, has brown hair that she cut to be shoulder length, green eyes, a love for dogs and Star Wars, and a boyfriend.

However, the final fact still can’t stop me from helplessly crushing on her. The fact that she’s on the cheer team and in four of my seven classes does not make it better.

She’s incredible. And I have zero chance.

“Hey, Lizzie!” My voice sounded strangely high today, no one else seemed to notice. I didn’t do my eye makeup this morning, but my friends had no trouble noticing that.

“Skye! I haven’t seen you in so long!” Lizzie wrapped me up in a giant hug and I just laughed.

“Since when is three days a long time?”

Lizzie fake pouted. “Oh shut up and accept I love you.”

I rolled my eyes and smiled at her. Without saying anything we both started walking to class, following our unspoken morning tradition of walking to chemistry together.

“So I heard that Luke was being very friendly with you at that party on Friday.” As much as I loved Lizzie, she was a bit of a gossip, she somehow knew things about me before I did.

“Yep. But come on, that guy had less game than Alex did.”

Lizzie winced as if someone had slapped her. “Damn, that’s harsh considering Alex was basically the walking definition of ‘undateable’. Glad to hear you dropped Luke then.”

I conjured a fake smile at her. “And you’re calling me harsh!”

It was hard to stay positive and happy around Lizzie sometimes. She liked to talk about guys about 70 percent of the time, and gossip the other 30 percent.

The real reason I had turned Luke down wasn’t because he didn’t have game, in fact he was insanely good at flirting; any other girl would have probably fell for it. No, the real reason was June.

She was at that party, wearing a tight red dress and heels higher than skyscrapers. She even was wearing bright red lipstick.

I have a weakness for bright red lipstick.

I spent the whole night trying and failing to ignore her. The result was getting frustrated with Luke’s constant flirtations and watching June make out with her boyfriend on a couch, so basically not a good night.

As we turned into the chem room I felt myself tuning out Lizzie’s blabbering about how her own crush, Jake, had been making hints all day last Thursday which totally meant something.

The best part of chemistry was that I got to sit up in the front in the corner, my own personal space for just me and my textbook, nowhere near my friends. They all sat in the back, but they knew not to ask when I choose the seat at the front of the room.

Everyone knows not to question the queen.

Forty five minutes of a nice quiet class period later and I was walking down the hallway again, this time in line with Sophie instead of Lizzie.

“Hey Skye!“

Fuck.

There was June, running straight up to me, looking better than ever in a light blue v-neck.

“Awesome to bump into you in the hallway. Quick question so for pra-“

Sophie suddenly interrupted her, pointing to a mark on her neck partially covered by makeup. “Is that what I think it is?”

June let out a sigh. “You guys can see that?”

My heart crumpled a little.

Sophie just smirked and nodded.

“Yeah it’s what you think it is. Things, got a little heated on Friday.”

Sophie oohed and I tried to seem like I wasn’t disappointed.

“Do tell!” Sophie insisted, but June shook her head.

“Maybe later. Speaking of later though, do you know if I can skip practice today Skye?”

Code red, June was not supposed to skip practice today. No one was. I knew this. But I definitely was not going to tell June that.

“I’m sure I can pull a few strings yeah, it’ll be fine.” I was proud of my smooth voice considering the fact it would not be fine and I was a wreck of emotions. My heart was pounding and my stomach felt like it was filled with butterflies.

She finger-gunned at me and nodded her head. “Cool. See you later then!” June was walking away from us and I got the sudden urge to follow her, which I shoved down.

“And you’ll tell us that story!” Sophie shouted after her.

June turned around and winked, and I hoped I wasn’t blushing as I rushed to pre-calculus.

The day that Andrew broke up with me I came home crying. My mom told me that everything was okay, and that one of the worst pains you ever experience is your first heartbreak. I assumed that was probably true for her, but not for me.

I had been crying because I saw two guys holding hands in the hallway, and my friend laughed and made fun of them. I had been crying because I remembered the fact I could never fully accept myself.

I realized it was much more pain to lie to yourself and everyone you love every single day than it was to be broken up with. I learned breaking your heart down little by little each day hurts much more than getting it broken at once.

“What do you mean June isn’t coming?” Coach was mad at me. I knew this was coming, but I couldn’t help feeling panicked at her yelling.

“It was my fault, I told her it was fine if she missed practice. She wasn’t uh, feeling good today.” My voice was shaking slightly, I hoped at least my lie seemed good enough.

Coach looked me up and down. “Fine, but it isn’t like you to forget when a practice is important. Next time we’ll need to talk, I put you as captain to take charge. Now come on, go get the rest of the girls from the locker room.”

I let out a quick breath and jogged back to get our team.

I could barely focus during practice. Luckily, I’d gotten quite good at multitasking, spending most of my time inside my head even while practicing or talking or doing homework.

The only thing on my mind was June. Why the hell had I lied for her? She was nothing to me, barely even a friend. No, not even a friend. We were nothing to each other, merely classmates. She was just my classmate. Just my funny, smart, insanely attractive classmate.

Who was going to be the death of me.

Other crushes before June had been just that. Crushes that through a few weeks of denial had just vanished. Yet June was more than a crush, it was like I couldn’t get her off my mind, I couldn’t even think anymore. She was there, invading my thoughts.

Sometimes I let myself imagine dating her. I’d imagine going to the upcoming homecoming dance with my hand in hers, our dresses in matching colors. She’d do my makeup, I’d curl her hair, and we’d get milkshakes together after the dance. It’d be perfect.

Except, those fantasies could never happen. June would be going to homecoming, but with her boyfriend instead of me. And I’d be there, most likely with some random guy strung across my arm just to keep my parents from asking why I didn’t have a date.

Why couldn’t life just be easier sometimes? If my parents were more liberal, or I wasn’t so scared, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

For about the millionth time, I find myself wishing I was just normal for once. Why couldn’t I have been straight?

“Hey, Skye you’re coming to that party on Saturday night right?” Lizzie had a habit of always cornering me directly after cheer practice.

“I don’t know. Probably. Isn’t it being put on by… Ivy right?” I know I’m coming, I need a distraction from school. We were assigned three project in the past week and I’d take any chance I could get to blow them off even for a day.

“Yeah, and her parents are like crazy rich and are leaving town for a few days. Pretty much everyone’s gonna be there, you better come!” Everyone? Would that include June?

No. I needed to stop thinking of her. “Yeah fine. I’ll see if I can find someone better than Luke there.”

Lizzie giggled and playfully rolled her eyes. “Like it’ll be any trouble for you to get a guy.”

I smiled back and held back a sigh. She didn’t realize that was the exact problem.

When I was ten years old this boy was being strangely rude to me. He made fun of my braces and called me stupid, which was ironic because I was the smartest kid in my class.

I told my mom, but she just brushed it aside. She told me that he was just being mean to me because he had a crush on me.

Now, that didn’t make much sense to me. I hadn’t really gotten the idea of a crush at that age, I thought it was just when you kind of liked someone. And why would you be mean to someone you liked?

The next day I called the really pretty girl in my class dumb. She started crying and my teacher got mad at me.

I spent the next year confused as to why.

“Hear me out: David.” Sophie was over at my house, helping me out with an English project.

“What? No! Isn’t he your cousin!” I had mentioned to her an hour ago that I wasn’t going with anyone to Ivy’s party, and Sophie had made it her personal mission to find me a guy.

“Yeah but he’s hot. I mean not as hot as me obviously, but still hot.” Sophie was joking, I could tell, but I definitely couldn’t disagree with that statement.

Seeing my disinterest, she tried again. “Okay... Joey.”

“Joey?” To be totally honest, I had no idea who that was.

“Joey! He’s a senior, he’s really cute, and he just broke up with his girlfriend and is super available. Plus I heard he’s actually pretty nice, which is saying a lot for the guys at our school.”

I considered for a second, then nodded.

“Joey it is!”

“Hey, Joey right?” It was Thursday, just far enough away from the party to not seem desperate but not too far to make me seem overly enthusiastic or excited. I’ve learned that dating is like a science, just the perfect mixture of feelings, timing, and the right words can do a lot.

“Yeah. Hey there Skye.” So he did know me. Well I mean, that would kind of make sense. Everyone seemed to know the queen.

I flashed a shy-yet-still-flirtatious smile, leaning just slightly closer to him. “I was thinking you could come with me to Ivy’s party Saturday?”

Joey grinned. “Um, yeah, totally. I’d love to.”

“Perfect! Be at my house at… 9?”

“Sounds good to me.” Sophie was right, he was nice.

“Awesome!”

I pecked him lightly on the cheek before turning and making my way to the locker room for cheer practice.

When I was in middle school I saw two girls making out in the hallway. They were brave, considering our town was pretty conservative.

Later in the day I saw them eating together at lunch, sitting hand in hand and smiling at each other. They looked so happy despite the obvious staring from everyone around them.

From then on I began to notice those two girls more. I saw them in the hallway, at lunch, during gym class.

I noticed that they were always together, and they were almost always smiling.

I also noticed that everyone else avoided them like the plague. The other girls would refuse to talk to them, they’d get stares from across the lunchroom, and more than once I saw them clearly getting made fun of and bullied just for being themselves.

I never once spoke to those girls, and I haven’t seen them since the end of eighth grade. Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if I had said something, anything to them. Or even stood up for them, helped protect them from the stares and the bullying. Maybe I’d have been a better person and maybe I wouldn’t be so scared now.

Thinking about them sometimes make me feel like happiness is possible for me, but I always remember how I watched them get harassed and did nothing.

I often wonder if I even deserve happiness.

Today was the day. I was wearing a slim black dress and one inch heels that matched, plus a face caked with makeup that included a smoky eye I perfected in ninth grade.

Joey was two minutes late exactly, he just texted me to come outside rather than knock on the door. It certainly wasn’t gentlemanly, but it wasn’t like it was prom or anything.

When I got in his car he told me that I looked amazing, which was guy talk for I looked really hot. I told him he didn’t look too bad himself, which was girl talk for we might have sex later.

Ivy’s house was twenty minutes from mine and in that time Joey played subpar music and we talked a bit. And by talked I mean he asked me about school and cheerleading in an insanely awkward one-way conversation.

Ivy’s house was already filled with people considered we got there slightly later than it started, which as everyone knows it exactly the right time.

As soon as we got there we walked directly outside where people were crowded around a pool and hot tub, most of them with red solo cups in hand. After several people had seen us together, meaning our social obligation to make sure people knew we came together was filled, Joey’s group of friends called him over to them and I found some of the girls on my cheer team. Lizzie handed me a cup with something that smelled like really bad beer.

“I saw you walk in with Joey, you two a thing?” She questioned immediately after greeting me.

“Maybe? We just came together, it probably won’t develop into more.”

“Uh huh.” Lizzie said sarcastically and giggled with the rest of our friends. Then they all started mindlessly chattering about guys while I pretended to listen and did a scan around the area.

Ivy’s house was beautiful, nicely decorated from the outside with full windows, fancy looking plants, and obviously expensive patio decorations. However, I wasn’t really looking for that. Instead, against my better judgement, I was looking for June.

I checked once, twice, and a third time just to be sure, and saw no sign of her. I shouldn’t have been disappointed, but I was.

“Hey, we’re gonna go refill our drinks and watch a beer pong match, you wanna come?” Britney informed me.

“Sure.” I couldn’t care either way, but I knew the more I drank the more likely I would be to enjoy this so far uninteresting party.

Five senior guys were standing by the beer pong table, watching these two guys going head to head. One of them was Joey, who waved me over to him slightly.

“Hey want another drink?” I haven’t even realized I had already drained my cup. “The beer out here is awful, but I can probably get you some pretty good stuff I saw inside?”

It was actually kind of nice, and I genuinely smiled and said yes, watching him walk back into the house, failing to hide a smile himself.

“Won’t develop into more my ass!” Lizzie mumbled behind me, and I turned around and lightly hit her shoulder.

I didn’t ever really mean to make guys like me. In all honestly, I was just nice to them and did what I knew I was supposed to do and smiled and nodded and somehow it always seemed to make guys fall for me. I always felt slightly bad, I mean it wasn’t their fault they had fallen for me and I never returned their feelings.

Five minutes of watching the two senior guys play beer pong and getting increasingly louder later, Joey returned.

“Now this, this is some top shelf vodka mixed with a coke. The good stuff.” He was joking, but he wasn’t really funny. I laughed anyways to be polite.

I took a sip, and it was actually fairly good. He seemed fairly proud of himself when he saw I was enjoying it. “It’s good, thanks!”

“Listen this might sound weird, but I really want to kiss you right now.” Usually guys just kissed first and asked questions later. He was a special one.

I didn’t really want to kiss him, but all the senior guys plus all my friends were watching, as much as they tried to hide the fact that they were. So, instead of turning him down, I replied, “what’s stopping you?”

Then his lips were on mine, and he spilled his drink pulling me in closer to him. I had to hand it to him, I’ve kissed a lot of guys, and he was definitely one of the better kissers. He was gentle and soft, but he knew what he was doing. I pulled away first, faking that I needed to breathe. Really I just didn’t want to make out with this guy in front of his friends.

“Wow…” Joey was grinning.

I faked a small laugh, and kissed his cheek lightly. “I’ll be right back.”

Ivy’s house was giant and it took me ten minutes of wandering through crowds of drunk teenagers and somehow downing another glass of beer to find the bathroom, which was on the second floor, the hallway to the left, third room on the right. In that time I had finished my drink and gotten significantly more tipsy. That beer was awful, but boy had it been strong. Plus the vodka wasn’t exactly light either.

Someone was in it when I got there, and I waited for five minutes before some girl finally opened the door. She was short and looked like a freshman, and she had definitely been puking in there, most likely from not knowing her limits with alcohol.

I went in the bathroom and closed the door quickly, not bothering to lock it since no one else was even near the room. I sank down to the floor and just sat there, leaning against the door.

I wasn’t exactly sure how long I stayed there, I just didn’t quite feel ready to leave. I kept thinking about Joey, about all the guys I had taken to parties. How many people have I flirted with, lead on, lied to, just to hid the fact I wasn’t what everyone thought? How many innocent guys had I used like that?

I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears dripped onto my legs. The alcohol was not helping my thoughts at all.

Suddenly I felt pressure on my back that I assumed was someone trying to open the door. I moved out of the way on instinct, and the person burst into the room.

Of course, it just so happened to be the one person I did not want to see right in that moment.

“Skye? Whoa were you crying or something?”

“Oh hey June! Nah just got light headed and was splashing some water on my face.”

She was obviously drunk, she was swaying and smiling with the appearance of a typical drunk person. That would explain why she didn’t question me further.

“You look really nice tonight Skye!” She was slurring her words, but I still couldn’t help but blush.

“Ha thanks. You okay there June?”

She nodded and put her hand on the sink next to her to steady herself a bit. “Uh huh!”

I giggled lightly to myself. I could feel the familiar butterflies in my stomach, but with the effects of alcohol hitting me hard all of a sudden I didn’t really care.

“You’re blushing!” She pointed to my cheeks and I could feel my blush darken despite myself.

She did a half gasp and stepped a bit close to me. “I knew it you are blushing!” She giggled to herself though my slurred mind couldn’t figure out why.

“Are you blushing because of me?”

June suddenly seemed very close to me and I was aware of how flushed her cheeks were and how good she looked in the lighting of the bathroom.

“Maybe.” I couldn’t stop myself from saying it but I immediately regretted it. My self restraint was going down rapidly, this was really bad.

June giggled again, but before I could even think as to why she was laughing, her lips were on mine.

They were soft, softer than anyone I had ever kissed before. The kiss was sloppy, but passionate. I stopped thinking, closed my eyes, and pulled her closer to me. She backed me into the wall behind me and deepened the kiss, giggling into my mouth before pushing even closer to me.

It was perfect, everything I had ever imagined and more. And it was over all too soon, she pulled away laughing after only a few more seconds.

“You’re a good kisser! That was fun!” She kept giggling at me and I just stood there, my face hot and my breathing rapid.

I just kissed a girl. No, not a girl, I just kissed June.

“I’m gonna go find Matt!” She said enthusiastically, and I stopped breathing. “You’re super fun!” She giggled one last time and left the bathroom.

I exhaled sharply when she left and held back tears. For a split second I had fooled myself into believing that the kiss meant something, anything, but she was straight and drunk and it meant nothing to her.

My heart was slightly broken, and my mind was slowly trying to understand what had just happened, but in that moment, I didn’t regret it.

When I looked back on this moment, I wished I had been more observant or had less to drink that night. Because maybe then I would have heard footsteps in the hallway or at least heard Lizzie calling my name several times. Maybe then I would have noticed the door opening and stopped myself from making one of the dumbest mistakes of my life.

But I didn’t.

The night got worse after that. I had stayed in the bathroom for another ten minutes or so, pretty much just in shock. Finally I washed my face off and retreated back down stairs, attempting to find Joey.

When I finally did I realized he was wasted beyond belief, and he was completely passed out on a couch.

Well. There goes my ride.

I decided to just crash down on some chair in an isolated part of the house. I called my parents and quickly told them I was sleeping over at Sophie’s and I’d be home later in the morning the next day. They didn’t even question it.

Finally the whole party washed over me, and I grew exhausted. I felt my eyes growing heavy as my head pounded, and I let myself drift off to sleep still just sitting in that chair, my last thought being the feeling of June’s lips on mine.

“Jesus Christ wake the fuck up Skye!” I woke up to the sound of Ivy nearly screaming at me.

“Oh god please be quiet!” I whimpered, the headache had come already. I must have been more wasted than I thought last night.

“I’ve been trying to get you up for like forever now. It’s eight in the morning, everyone’s gone, you’re the last person I’ve had to wake up, and though I’d love to let you stay and recover here, I’ve had a long ass night and I’m gonna need you to get the fuck out of my house.” Ivy seemed hungover too, and very annoyed. I figured it was best to comply.

“Yeah. Awesome party.” I mumbled, standing up and hoping I could manage to walk to Sophie’s house from here.

I made it outside before I puked on Ivy’s lawn. I was definitely more wasted than I thought last night.

The sunlight did not help my aching head, but emptying my stomach did feel pretty good. I mean throwing up in someone else’s lawn is never good, but considering everything it at least felt good to get rid of all that alcohol.

After wiping my mouth with my sleeve I called Sophie, praying she would pick up.

“Hey! What’s up?” Sophie sounded insanely hungover too, though she pretended to be lively.

“Can you come pick me up? I’m still at Ivy’s house and I told my parents I spent the night at your house. Please?”

Sophie sounded slightly annoyed, but she knew she owed me for one time when she got super drunk and almost slept with her ex before I picked her up at two in the morning and let her stay over at my house.

Twenty minutes of sitting in front of the house of one of Ivy’s random neighbors later, and I was trying very hard not to puke in Sophie’s car.

“Wow you’re wasted.” She noticed.

“I thought I only had like two drinks or something. But I guess I just don’t remember having more.” I was really hoping this hangover would vanish, I had a chem project I wanted to get started on this weekend.

“Oh I get that. I don’t remember half of last night, but I do remember Adam. Damn could that boy kiss.”

I pretended like I cared by nodding my head and asking, “Who’s Adam?”

Sophie sighed a bit and then giggled. “He’s this senior who goes to another school. We didn’t have sex or anything by the way, but we did do a lot of other things.” She giggled again, and I shuddered. I was so glad when she stopped talking, I hated talking about sex. Mostly because of the whole I’m-not-attracted-to-guys thing.

The rest of the car ride passed without conversation. I think Sophie might have been singing along to the radio, but my head was pounding so much I just tried to tune it out.

Once at her house we went directly up to her room and I immediately fell on her bed, mumbling a thanks before passing out again.

The second time waking up was much better than the first. I know a lot of people say a good hangover cure is some weird drink or like doing some weird routine, but I prefer to just sleep it off and then chug some water or juice to get the taste of bile and alcohol out of my mouth. It’s worked for me so far.

The bad part of waking up this time was that memories of the night before flooded my memory. Specifically, the memory of kissing June. The thought of the two of us, alone together, finally expressing how I feel through a kiss.

And the thought of how June just brushed it off and probably went to go sleep with her boyfriend. Like it was nothing.

I tried to just ignore that thought and instead pushed myself out of bed and into Sophie’s bathroom. I’d stayed over enough times to know where it was without help, and I washed my face and hands, hoping to clear my mind with the water.

Just like I had before it happened.

I turned the water off and quickly left the bathroom, looking for Sophie in hopes that maybe she could take my mind off of it. Plus at the very least she’d tell me which clothes I’m allowed to borrow so I wouldn’t have to continue wearing my outfit from the previous night.

I found her sitting on her couch in the living room, the television in front of her playing some game show, but she was focused on her phone. I walked up behind the couch, calling out as I did so. “There you are! I’m finally up.” I tried to sound lighthearted, but my kidding quickly ended when Sophie didn’t look up.

“What’s that?” I asked. I could see her phone now, she was looking at Instagram, which was pretty normal.

She didn’t respond, she just held up her phone for me to see. It was open to Lizzie’s account, which was also fairly normal. What wasn’t normal though, was the first picture. I grabbed Sophie’s phone and clicked on it, seeing the full image.

It was a picture of me, pressed against the wall in Ivy’s bathroom, with June’s lips on mine. I hesitantly swiped left and saw there was a video, showing me grabbing June closer to me, deepening the kiss like I had always wanted to. Below was a caption, “I always knew there was something wrong with her. #gay”. She had even tagged me in the photo. I swiped back to the picture and handed Sophie back her phone, not quite processing what had just happened. I was in shock.

How could Lizzie do that? Just walk in on us, and take a video like that? It was so… so wrong. I felt my heart shrinking, my breathing getting faster and shallower. No she wouldn’t do that to me, she would never post something like that of me.

“You’re gay?” Sophie’s soft voice broke me out of my spiral.

I couldn’t speak. How could I deny this? What kind of lie could I quickly create to get her to think it was something else, anything else?

But I took too long. Sophie knew.

“Holy fuck you are.”

I felt like crying. There had to have been some mistake.

“Okay… I um…” Sophie was shocked too. I could see the image still open on her phone. I wanted to just throw it at the wall.

This could not really be happening.

“I think you should leave Taylor…” Sophie looked away from me as she said that, as if she couldn’t stand to look at me. Just because she knew I was gay. I always thought Sophie was more open minded then the rest of them, but if this is how she reacted, that means the rest would…

“But Sophie…” I couldn’t even defend myself. She just shook her head in response, still not even looking in my direction.

I felt myself crying despite the fact I couldn’t even feel it. I didn’t bother checking if I left anything in her room, I just walked through her house to the front door and then continued walking. I walked a few more feet before I collapsed for the second time on some strangers lawn, this time crying into the grass instead of throwing up.

How could Lizzie have done this?

The walk home was a long and slow one. I couldn’t walk straight, couldn’t think straight, and I still was wearing my old, alcohol and vomit covered clothes. I knew my parents would ask questions, but I couldn’t care in that moment.

I kept trying to figure out how to get out of this. Lizzie hadn’t seen everything, had she? How well had she seen my face? Did she see my reaction afterwards? And why did she decide to spread that, why hurt me?

A worse thought lurked in the corner of my mind, like a ticking time bomb. What would my parents think?

I tried to tell myself they couldn’t possibly have seen a video from my friends Instagram, they wouldn’t just assume I was gay from one video. They’d be more worried about how I was drunk. They’d care more about my well being than if I actually was gay even if they had seen the video.

But the thought was still there.

Reaching my house, I had to steel myself. I wasn’t ready to see my parents, but I had nowhere else to go. I took a deep breathe, and rung the doorbell, waiting two beats before my mom opened it.

I watched her face as she did it. First it was surprise, quickly morphing into fear and concern over my outfit and obvious stench of alcohol, again changing into anger, and then settling into a face of disgust and hatred.

Hatred. Hatred of me.

They’d seen it.

She pulled me inside the room and marched me straight into the living room, where my dad was sitting on his computer. Lizzie’s mom had sent them the videos and it was open on the screen.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” My mom said, harsher than I’d heard her in a long time.

“You leave saying you’re going to a party, and you come home drunk and smelling awful, and then this, this video of you and this girl!”

I couldn’t say anything. My mind was racing, trying to come up with a good response. I had nothing.

She rambled on for a few seconds about how irresponsible I was, and how disappointed she was. I barely heard it.

Finally my dad spoke up, concern in his voice though his face was turned away from me.

“Is this true?” He asked softly. “Are you gay?”

I felt tears threaten to spill down my face, and I closed my eyes as I slowly nodded my head. When I opened them again my mom was crying. She stared at me like she didn’t know me.

“No no, my daughter isn’t gay. Skye you better be lying, this better be some joke because I didn’t raise my daughter to be some, some lesbian.”

My dad finally got up from the couch, and he hugged my mom. His face was reserved, like he was holding all his anger inside. Was he mad at me?

“I’m still the same person you’ve always known.” I squeaked out, nervous to even speak.

“My daughter is going to hell.” My mom was muttering, shaking as if she was more hurt by the news than I was. As if telling me this hurt her more than me.

My eyes stung from the effort of holding back my tears.

“Just go to your room. We’ll talk about this later.” My dad said, stern.

I took a second to debate talking back, saying I was still their daughter, but I didn’t. I just turned around, and walked away.

I lost my virginity last year. It was at his house. He was the one who brought it up, and I had agreed, though I can’t remember why. It might have been because he was cute, and he wanted me, and that felt good. Most likely it was because I wanted to prove that maybe I wasn’t gay at all. Maybe it would feel amazing and I’d realize I was straight after all.

He was good at it, I think. I didn’t like it. Some things felt good, but nothing felt right.

I went to school two days later, knowing he’d already told his friends and knowing I’d have to tell my friends as well.

They all complimented me, they wanted to hear all about it, many of them just wanted to know if he was any good at it so they could spread rumors around if needed.

I can’t remember much of what I told them. I didn’t give many details, I didn’t talk shit about the guy, but I wasn’t enthusiastic either.

I do remember seeing a girl across the cafeteria while my friends were interrogating me. She was older than me, and had strawberry hair and freckles that could have made me melt.

I remember wishing, more than anything, that I had lost my virginity to her instead of him.

My parents decided to ignore the new developments. I spent the rest of that day alone in my room, ignoring the flood of questions from people on social media. I ate dinner with my parents, just like normal, but we didn’t talk much. My mom had pulled herself together and instead of disgust on her face when she looked at me, her expression was absolutely blank. I couldn’t decide which had been worse.

After dinner I spent my time agonizing over what my parents would do. Would they continue to be upset over this, would they force me out of the house, would they send me to one of those weird camps for changing gay people? A small part of me had hope that they would see reason and come around to the fact that I was still their daughter, who they hopefully still loved, and they would accept me.

Plus, I couldn’t decide what to do. I told Sophie I was gay, and my parents, but maybe I could find a way to lie through this. If I was enthusiastic enough and kept saying it was just one drunk kiss, maybe I could get through this with just a scratch on my reputation.

But even still, imaging going back to lying about who I was every single day hurt more than any offensive comment ever could. I had to be honest now, it was time for me to be myself. So I promised myself, there and then, that I would be honest.

I couldn’t stop thinking, torturing myself well into the night. I woke up the next morning feeling worse than ever, terrified to go to school but even more scared to stay home.

I changed into my least bright clothes, a grey hoodie with the school name on it and skinny jeans, and prayed that the day wouldn’t be completely awful.

My parents didn’t say goodbye to me as I grabbed a granola bar from the kitchen and headed out the front door, and I didn’t shout out a quick “I love you” as I left.

As soon as I got in my car I started crying. I cried for minutes, letting the tears spill down my face and collect on my hoodie. I would have traded anything for the chance to stay there the whole day, just sobbing out everything I was feeling, but realism set in and instead I wiped my face off, added a new layer of foundation, and smiled into the rear view mirror.

I needed to seem fine, so maybe everyone else would leave me alone. I doubted it would work, but I turned my car on anyways, accepting whatever was about to happen.

I managed to avoid everyone on my way to first period, which was the one class I didn’t have many of my friends in, but that was about where my good luck ended. Everyone had seen the video of me kissing June, and they all stared at me. I could tell they were conflicted, almost all of them seemed like they wanted to talk to me, but they all seemed too scared. I was still the queen they had known.

Finally, one guy I knew was on the junior varsity baseball team, and had definitely hooked up with my friend Chloe at some point, decided to speak up.

“So if you’re gay now, do you think you’d let me turn you straight?” He said, making most people in the room laugh. One part of me wanted to hide away and let the shame I was feeling show, but that wasn’t who I wanted to be in this moment. I remembered who I was before, confident and proud. For all the wrong reasons sure, but I could be those things now for the right ones.

“Only if you let me turn your sister gay.” I said, not looking up as I walked to my desk. I could still hear his exasperated gasp though, and it made me smirk just a little.

“Fucking dyke.” The guy mumbled, shuffling back to his place in the back of the classroom. I didn’t even dignify him with a response, and after that everyone was quiet.

The queen still had power after all.

I knew there was no escape when class ended because the second I walked out of the room Lizzie had turned the corner of the hallway and instantly spotted me. She was being trailed by Sophie, who I assumed she collected on her way to find me. I quietly cursed the fact that I had ever told her my schedule.

“Skye!” She shouted, marching straight through the hallway at me. If people weren’t staring at me yet, all heads turned towards me. I fought the urge to blush and instead moved more into the open. Why bother to fight the inevitable conflict that was about to go down?

I couldn’t read Lizzie’s face as she finally reached me, though Sophie definitely had a mix of embarrassment and guilt on her face. I had a feeling it had to do with kicking me out of her house, but I definitely didn’t feel bad for her. She made it clear where she stood with me.

“So what’s up with you being some lesbo and not telling anyone?” Lizzie asked, her voice strong and mocking.

“You know I thought we were friends Lizzie. What’s up with you walking in on me and someone and taking a video? That’s so fucked up!” I shot back, not willing to let my emotions take control. No more hiding, no more holding back. Lizzie was going to hear what I had to say. “And what’s up with posting it online? You didn’t think how that could fuck up my life, or the life of the other girl!”

Lizzie laughed, actually laughed. “I already talked to June before I even posted it. She said you had convinced her to make out with her ‘just to try it’ and she was drunk enough to try. She said you were the one who was actually into it too.”

Of all the things I thought Lizzie would say, that one hurt the most. I had a feeling June didn’t care about the kiss like I had, but hearing it like this, and hearing that she had twisted it around just so she wouldn’t be under attack to, it shattered my heart. I had a moment where I let the pain show on my face, but I didn’t have time to bother about June now. She didn’t like me, I already knew that, and now that I knew what a bad person she actually was, I could get over her.

“You want the truth Lizzie? I’m lesbian! I always have been! Happy now?”

Lizzie smirked, but Sophie blushed behind her. Why was Sophie blushing?

“So now you’re proud to be a dyke? I hope you realize you’re over at this school, no one’s gonna care about some weird lesbo.”

I sighed. So this was how she was gonna play it? “I honestly don’t give a shit what you say. I don’t want the popularity. At least I’m true to myself, and at least I cared about myself, which is way more than can be said about you.”

I didn’t see Lizzie’s reaction because I turned around and flipped her off, walking to chemistry alone with a new sense of confidence.

I passed June in the hallway after chem, but I didn’t stop to admire her like normal and I didn’t get butterflies in my stomach. Instead I just felt angry, and I kept walking.

A hand on my arm stopped me, and I turned to see Sophie.

“Please talk to me, it’ll only take a second.”

I sighed but listen to Sophie rather than have another hallway blow up, ignoring the way some of the guys around us laughed as we made our way through the hallway together. Sophie dragged me into the girl’s bathroom around the corner that was usually relatively empty.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday. I was in shock and I didn’t know what to do and I panicked. Please don’t be mad at me.” Sophie looked honestly upset, but I didn’t trust her and I hadn’t forgiven her.

“Years of friendship and you kick me out of your house for being gay? Why Sophie?”

“I like girls too.”

I hadn’t expected that. I got silent, knowing my face was betraying me and showing how surprised I was.

“I think I’m bisexual. That’s the term for liking girls and guys right? I read about it online. That’s why I was shocked, I didn’t know what to do. I’m so sorry, I know you needed a friend in that moment and it wasn’t me, but I wasn’t thinking right and I was panicking and I’m so sorry.” Sophie was rambling, I had never seen her like this.

“I get it. It’s okay.” I mumbled, still trying to piece everything together.

“Please don’t tell anyone?” Sophie asked quietly.

“Of course now. Why did you tell me?” Sophie could have just hidden her feelings and acted like Lizzie, lashing out and protecting herself. But she didn’t, she opened up to me. Even I probably wouldn’t have done that if the tables were turned.

“I thought you would understand.”

I did understand. It made perfect sense, that was why Sophie always seemed so open, that was why she dated so many guys, that was why I always felt we were similar.

“And I promise I’ll keep being your friend, and I’ll try to bring the others around to.” She said, regaining her normal composure.

“Thank you.” I said. And I meant it. Suddenly I felt better, as though as wasn’t as alone as I thought.

That day was one of the worst I had ever experienced, but also one of the best. Everywhere I went there were comments about me under people’s breaths, but I walked with a confidence I never had before. Maybe I wasn’t who they thought I was, but I was who I always wanted to be.

My parents finally addressed things that evening, saying that though they didn’t like it, and they weren’t going to encourage my “habits” as they put it, they still loved me. My mom was much more put together, and my dad didn’t have a dull anger behind his eyes. It wasn’t support, and it wasn’t encouragement, but it was something.

I had many more days like that, feeling the hate of peers pressing on me, but finally feeling free. One and a half more years of those days to be exact.

But finally, high school ended. I didn’t end the “queen” of the school, but I did get into Brown University with my high GPA and SAT scores, plus my essay about overcoming adversity related to my sexuality. I’d be going there in the fall and be studying chemistry.

I also got a girlfriend. Sophie came out, and had much better luck than me since I had already opened the door for her. Still, we bonded a lot over being the only two openly queer girls at our school, and eventually romantic feelings grew. We started dating in March of our senior year. My parents hated it, but I didn’t care much because I already had my acceptance to college and my way out of our small town.

Things got better after that. I found people who would accept me, and I never stopped learning to accept myself and live with confidence.

Now I’m done with my sophomore year of college, I’ve been dating Sophie for years, and I’m surrounded by the right kinds of people. It’s weird to think that the girl I was in my junior year who hid behind makeup, cheer, and popularity she didn’t want would turn into the person I am now.

I guess that’s just what happens when you stop worrying so much about being a queen and instead just try to be.

#original story #the queen #please reblog #please send feedback #writers #writing on tumblr #writers on tumblr #writing #original #short story #original short story #not deh

watch-the-whole-world-disap-blog