you are not the man you used to be

❝I woke up from the same dream falling backwards ’til it turned me inside out now i live a waking life of looking backwards a model citizen of doubt until one day i had enough of this exercise of trust I leaned in and let it hurt and I rebuild when i break down I wake up more awake than i’ve ever been before still i’m pinned under the weight of what i believed would keep me safe so show me where my armor ends like a final puzzle piece It all makes perfect sense to me the heaviness that i hold in my heart belongs to gravity ❞ Zuko Yu | Twenty One | Soldier |

[zukoyu]

shcvtcs‌:

“What kind of techniques do you use? Maybe you use something I haven’t learned yet.” Most of what he learned was more martial arts and defense based, but he assumed with the military he probably covered a wider range than he did. It never hurt to learn more either and Shouto’s always liked having options. It was a perk from being on his own now. He could think for himself.

“We should train sometime.” He offered. “You teach me, I teach you and then we can just spar.” Shouto figured it’d be a good trade off and they’d be able to see how skilled the other actually was. Not that he doubted Zuko’s abilities, but it’s different seeing them than being told about them. // @zukoyu​

“I was trained in martial arts as a child, specifically the style of Northern Shaolin Kung Fu, so I mostly work on that. The military has always had more of a focus on armed combat, but there is brief training in hand-to-hand combat. It feels foreign to me after so many years of martial arts work. What about yourself? What techniques do you use?” Zuko explained. 

“Yeah, I think we could learn a lot from each other.” He was definitely interested in seeing what Shouto was capable of and from how it sounded, it seemed like they might be on equal ground. It had also been a long time since he had sparred with another person, he tended to keep to himself in training so it would be nice to work with another person again. He missed it sometimes, it made it difficult to truly improve or test his skill. // @shcvtcs

[zukoyu]

shcvtcs‌:

“Good for local retailers though.” The hat and coat businesses would be booming if this kept up. Even he might need to buy a couple-his tolerance was way above others, but there was limits to that too. 

“All of that. Just training in general. There’s some daily workouts I do to keep me in shape for the firehouse, but I grew up learning all sorts of techniques and practices, so I train on the daily to keep up with those skills too.” His father put him through absolute hell, and as much as he resented him and his teachings the skills were useful. Plus he’d been doing them for so long it was practically routine at this point. “Sometimes, I work so much I forget how to actually relax.” // @zukoyu​

“Yeah, though I’m sure they are all hurrying to put out all of the winter items.” The weather had changed so quickly, he doubted that many businesses were prepared. The instant they switched the items out, however, they would excel in sales.

Zuko nodded in understanding, it sounded familiar. In fact, it truly wasn’t all that different from what he did himself. “I’m the same. I need to keep in shape for the military, but there’s a lot I of techniques I train with simply because I learned them when I was young and I don’t want to lose that skill.” He thought some days that it felt like he was trained how to fight before he was ever taught anything else. “I struggle to take a break sometimes myself. It’s easy to forget to relax.” // @shcvtcs

[zukoyu]

blindedblve‌:

V perked up at the sight of the camera being handed to him. He felt excited at seeing the other’s attempt. There was something breath taking in the idea of people taking chances, no matter how small they may be. Maybe it was because he was so cautious or that the idea reminded him of his mother. Both were true, but neither felt as it was the whole complete truth. 

He looked over the photo-very standard to his critical eye. The shot was taken straightforward, with him in the center and the foliage in the background. Overall, it wasn’t a bad picture in the slightest. Though something that caught his eye was the sharpness to the photo. Most beginners would either take one that was just slightly off, but this one was pretty much right on the mark. Despite blindness, this was his specialty. He smiled, “It looks good. I’m impressed. What do you think?” // @zukoyu​

At the other’s words he felt accomplishment run through him, while he was doubtful of the photo being any good at all, it was a good feeling to receive a compliment on something he had done. It wasn’t something he could say he was all that used to so when it did happen, it tended to brighten his day. He certainly hadn’t been expecting to hear that V was impressed in some way.

“I think it’s...” He wasn’t quite sure how to describe it, it didn’t seem particularly special in anyway, at least not to him. Zuko didn’t think he truly had the eye of capturing beautiful moments that most artists seemed to possess.”Average?” He offered with a small laugh. He didn’t see it as a bad thing, in fact, he was a little surprised he had managed to take one that was in focus at all. “I suppose it’s better than how I expected it to turn out however.” // @blindedblve

[zukoyu]

shcvtcs‌:

“You won’t be the only one looking for your winter clothes this early into the year.” Shouto cracked the joke whilst keeping a straight face. His execution for those really needed some work-not that he fully realized it. Mostly he was just trying to seem friendlier and more sociable. He wanted to move past his isolated and loner persona. The few friends he had, he wanted them to see he really was working harder to be a better person. 

“Play in the snow? Maybe train? I don’t know if I’ll be able to do much with all the roads being blocked off, and some buildings may be temporarily out of service depending on how worse the weather gets.” He paused as he rolled a sizable ball of snow nearly tall enough to reach his knees. “I may just stay inside. I haven’t had a real day off in a long time. It might be nice to just relax.” // @zukoyu​

A small sound escaped his lips, it was something akin to a laugh. He had never been the type to loudly express anything, let alone when he thought something was just a little bit funny. He wasn't even sure if the comment was serious or not and so, for once, he was grateful he didn’t have a boisterous laugh, he wouldn’t want to offend Shouto in any way. “I think if this continues much longer, everyone on Yen Sid will be suffocating in coats and hats.”

“Do you mean train for work? Or do you train in martial arts or something else?” Zuko asked curiously. He himself had considered going to the gym or even to the studio as something to do, but he assumed they’d be closed with the weather. He didn’t really have anything planned himself, after all, the day off work was unexpected. “I’d imagine your job can be stressful at times, I’m sure relaxing for once would be a good way to spend it.” // @shcvtcs​

[zukoyu]

blindedblve‌:

“Everything is subjective if you think about it. Art. Philosophy. Interests. Morals. There’s never really any concrete answer to anything. But that’s probably why people try to compartmentalize everything. You have modern art, post modern, contemporary, still life, landscape, abstract-the list goes on.” V handed him the camera, free to do with the photo as he wished. Delete it or keep it, he didn’t mind either outcome. “Try taking a photo.”

He raised his arms gesturing to the world around them. The sky, the ground, the cliff, the trees. Whatever he wanted. V wanted to see where his creativity would take him. “Whatever you’d like.” // @zukoyu​

His finger hovered over the button that would delete the photo of himself, debating what to do with it. His initial reaction to it made him immediately want to erase it, yet the more he thought about it, it felt silly to get so worked up over a photo, especially one that wasn’t bad. He shifted his finger away from the delete button, and looked out, unsure of just what to photograph. He was right, everything was subjective and the idea of that at the very least gave him a little more confidence as he carefully held the camera in his hands, terrified that he would break it somehow.

After clumsily zooming in and out to get a feel for it, he shifted where he stood and clicked. The result was a simple photo, with V in the foreground and all the trees behind him filling the background. He wasn’t sure why he chose it, it just felt right. Handing the camera back, he couldn’t help but ask, “How is it?” // @blindedblve

[zukoyu]

blindedblve‌:

Yes, photography was easy because it was his form of running away. Painting was what he really wanted to do. There was passion and livelihood he wanted to convey that could only be expressed through painting. But oh, if only he was worthy. He wasn’t and that’s why he hadn’t tried. He failed his mother, he failed Rika. He would fail himself too. It was better this way.

“Probably more so than it should have been,” V laughed quietly, “I was a natural at photography it turns out so there really wasn’t ever a struggle. As for what looks good, anything can look good with a camera. It’s just a matter of finding a perspective you like.” Suddenly, a flash went off, a satisfied smile drawing itself onto his face at the photo of Zuko he’d just taken. Turning the camera around to show him, “Some might not agree, some might, but if you like it then that’s good enough, no?” // @zukoyu​

He blushed slightly out of embarrassment at the photo, it wasn’t a bad photo by any means, in fact looking at it technically speaking, it was quite good. But not only was the photo completely unexpected, his expression was so stoic in it he found it surprised himself even. He had heard he was terribly serious but he had always argued that he was only when he needed to be. The photo begged to differ.

“It’s a good photo.” Zuko commented quietly, thinking about what the other said of perspective. “Art is subjective,” That was one thing he had always believed, “I’ve always wondered just how people attempt to judge it as a whole. It’s something that seems impossible to me.” He thought the other’s philosophy was a good one to have, in fact, he thought it applied to most things. He never really believed it mattered too much what others thought, as long as he was happy with what he was doing that was all that was important. // @blindedblve

[zukoyu]

shcvtcs‌:

“You can stop by my house later and you can pick which ones you like.” It was a good thing he cleaned his home yesterday. Shouto wasn’t messy by nature, but having guests over you didn’t want to set a bad example. Though, most often when people visited they were more astounded by the size of his apartment than anything else. 

Watching quietly, he forced himself to look away feeling as if he was seeing something too privy. He knew the feeling of accomplishing something personal, something that wasn’t practical and even silly, but it was a nice feeling to do it. To get that sense of ‘you actually did it’ when everything around you was telling you as if you weren’t. He realized quietly that maybe the snowman was much more important than he initially thought. Still, he was glad Zuko got to experience it. “Building snowmen is fun. It’s a lot more fun than work-which I doubt I’ll getting any with all this snow.” // @zukoyu

“Sounds good. With how cold it is, I might have to use one immediately.” It was an odd but pleasant feeling, to have a friend, especially one that didn’t know about all of his woes. It was comforting even, he enjoyed it much more than he thought he would. Having spent much of his life isolated from others, he never saw himself enjoying the company of others so much, yet here he was.

Zuko nodded in agreement, a small laugh escaping his lips. “The same goes for me.” For the time being, he didn’t mind not working. After all, Shouto was right, doing this was far more entertaining than his job could have ever been. He didn’t dislike his job but there were days that work was work, no matter how much he enjoyed it. At this point, he wasn’t entirely sure he enjoyed his job, it was just something he went to and was paid for. There were good days and bad days of course, but he largely stayed neutral. “What do you plan on doing with all the time off?” // @shcvtcs​

[zukoyu]

blindedblve‌:

Ah, that was the golden question wasn’t it. What was his reasoning for getting into photography? Could he really explain that it was because he feared trying any other form of art? That the thought of holding a paintbrush, while certainly more comfortable, felt too heavy in his hand for someone as weak as him. That his mother, whom he cherished and loved so dearly, was the one to inspire him to give art another chance after the first attempted failed the both of them. 

“Hm, I’ll be honest this one and say that the other mediums didn’t really suit me.” V fiddled with the camera in his hands, changing the settings. “I tried painting for a while, but that was rather… disastrous. So much so that I haven’t considered picking it back up. But photography seemed easy when I first started. Let the camera do all the work-sort of speaking. I tried it and I liked it enough and found I was rather good at it.” // @zukoyu

In Zuko’s opinon, nearly all forms of art were something he couldn’t truly grasp, at least not enough to truly get involved with it. He didn’t consider himself creative enough, he had spent his life following orders, picking up something that had complete free reign to do whatever one wanted felt more daunting than anything. Even if he had an interest in trying something out, he wouldn’t have even known where to begin. He knew deep down that in terms of time it wasn’t too late to do so if he were ever curious, yet, a part of him felt as thought it was too late as a result of who he was today.

He offered a small smile, “Did it end up being as easy as you thought it would be?” To him it looked like the type of the thing that would be complicated, especially with the way the other was fiddling with the settings. “There’s so many things you could take photos of, how’d you know what would look good?” // @blindedblve

[zukoyu]

take my heart clean apart || jetko

[zukoyu]

lastlaogai‌:

“Sounds good, babe,” Jet said with a grin, slipping off the counter and onto the floor even as they had just climbed up, unable to resist the urge to wrap themself around Zuko’s back. They stuck their nose in the hollow of his throat, not quite cold, but certainly not as warm as Zuko’s constant body temperature of thirty thousand fucking degrees. Their left hand slipped up his shirt comfortably, as if they had done it a thousand times and it almost felt as if they had. Zuko’s apartment was just so much home as the apartment Jet shared with Smellerbee and Longshot, warm and relaxed now that they had gotten more knickknacks for Z’s minimalist shelves. 

“How do you wanna make them, Z? Any ideas for sides?” they asked, mouth just behind Zuko’s ear as they placed a kiss there just after speaking. None of this was done in a sexual nature, but Jet might have known how it would affect his partner, given past experience. 

He tore his eyes away from watching how slowly they moved off of the counter and he forced himself to stop thinking about how good they had looked sitting there. “Everything always sounds good to you.” Zuko responded with a small smile, born more from the other’s actions than anything. Their body against his own felt nice, cooling him down slightly but he couldn’t help but tense somewhat at the feeling of their hand creeping up his torso. Not because he was uncomfortable, but because he knew his mind would wander and things never turned out good when he allowed it to.

He felt a shiver run down his spine at their voice, “Well first we’ll need to clean them and trim them a little. From there we could throw them into a stir fry? It might take some time but if you can be patient, it should be worth it.”

[zukoyu]

take my heart clean apart || jetko

[zukoyu]

lastlaogai‌:

Jet sighed, knowing that their partner wouldn’t be getting up without the encouragement of Jet rising with him. They almost couldn’t bring themself to say boyfriend, even in the confines of their mind, because boyfriend is permanence and love all packed into a pretty word, and partner just means you go together like a set, and that’s Zuko, even if the other thing is too. They had had this boy, this beautiful boy with a smile like midnight sun and laughter like music notes, and they adored him within an inch of his life. They stood from their seat and pulled Zuko up with them, dragging their partner into his own kitchen, hopping onto the counter. 

“Well, might as well go ahead and pick something out,” they said, shitty grin taking over their face, “Since we’re here and all.” 

He held back an annoyed groan, not wanting to have to move an inch from his boyfriend. It was a term of endearment, he hadn’t ever used it to their face but when speaking with his family, it was what he naturally called them.  It just felt right in his mouth, it rolled off his tongue with an ease he wasn’t familiar with. Even in calling his own family, family, it had never felt such a way, the perfect explanation of what they were to him. Calling his uncle, Uncle Iroh, was something that didn’t even feel fitting, he had always been more like a father than anything. But boyfriend implied the idea that there was a place for Jet in his life, and it was true, there was. He hoped there always would be.

He rolled his eyes, “You mean I might as well choose something?” Zuko resisted the urge to kiss him and get rid of the grin, “How about shrimp? That’s easy.”

[zukoyu]

blindedblve‌:

How long? Not long in some aspects, not long enough in others. Photography was an escape. Something he could go to when he needed an outlet, an escape. Something he could have when painting was out of touch. His expression went lost for a moment. “Not very long,” V tried to think back his exact age, “I would say a handful of years. Ah wait, no. I had to have been 19 when I first picked it up, so doing the math… I would say about 7 years?” It’s only been seven years since he picked up the camera, hm. // @zukoyu​

At hearing how long it had been his first thought was that while it was a substantial amount of time, a part of him had been expecting to hear that he had been doing it his whole life. However, when he thought back to what he would have been doing seven years ago, and suddenly that amount of time felt like it was a lifetime. So much could change in seven years and when he really tried to come up with something, Zuko couldn’t think of a single thing he had consistently done for seven years straight. “That’s a long time. What made you get into it out of all the things you could have done?” // @blindedblve

[zukoyu]

shcvtcs‌:

“I can give you some jackets? A couple of mine tend to keep the heat in pretty well. I don’t have much of a need for them.” They were mostly gifts from his sister- or some he bought in passing, even though they both knew he didn’t need. She always insisted it never hurt to have a couple ready. So he had a good sizable stack ready in his closet. The firefighter needed to get rid of some stuff due to clutter so he didn’t mind giving out stuff to his friends if they needed it. The rest would just go to charity.

“Hm,” Shouto gives a nod of approval, setting down the tiny snowman and begins gathering up snow once more. “Like that but on a bigger scale now. Congrats on your first ever snowman.” It’s small, just barely bigger than his hand, but it counts. A snowman is a snowman no matter what size. // @zukoyu​

“I’d appreciate that.” It wasn’t that he couldn’t afford to buy new ones but it didn’t hurt to not spend money if he didn’t have to. He had the space in the closet to fit a few more articles of clothing and if he got good use out of them when winter rolled around, it would have certainly been worth taking him up on his offer. 

Staring at the tiny snowman, a smile spread on his face, a feeling of accomplishment spreading through him. It wasn’t anything all that special but to him it was even if he wasn’t exactly sure of just why it mattered to him so much. He thought that maybe because it gave him a look into what a person’s childhood could be filled with, maybe all these years he had truly wanted to do all the things he missed out on despite telling himself he didn’t. “Okay, that doesn’t seem too hard.” He quickly started to gather more snow, “You probably didn’t expect to be building a snowman today but I appreciate it.” // @shcvtcs

[zukoyu]

shcvtcs‌:

“It’s usually one or the other, isn’t it?” That’s different though when your body isn’t tampered with. His own body temperature stays relatively stable, not too hot or cold. “I guess I’m one of the lucky few who swings both ways.” There’s some euphemism there, it tickles at his brain because he knows that means something else but he just can’t remember what. “It makes shopping easy on me atleast.”

Shouto never has to worry about buying jackets or tank tops in abundance, usually the few he owns does the trick. It’s not as if he goes out in the summer wearing a jacket- he dresses appropriately for the weather-but it’s not a big concern of his to dress that fitting. He rolls a small ball onto of a slightly larger one, making a base for a tiny snowman that he offers to show the other. // @zukoyu​

Zuko chuckles softly, giving a small nod of his head in agreement with the statement, “Yes, it seems to be that way.” He pauses for a moment, thinking that he had heard the phrase once before in some passing joke that someone had once made, but for the life of him, he can’t remember the context of it. “I’m a little jealous,” He admitted with a smile, “Most of the time I manage to stay warm enough that I don’t have to stock up on too many jackets but once the temperature reaches a certain point even I can’t stay warm in it.”

In fact, the more he really thinks about it, the more he realizes he can’t really remember the last time he was extremely cold. He watches Shouto once more, carefully analyzing the tiny snowman with an intensity that makes him realize that he is perhaps taking this a little too seriously. Despite this, he follows the silent instruction and stacks one snowball atop the other slightly larger one so it looks similar to Shouto’s. // @shcvtcs​

[thewaitiskillingyou]

Open

[zukoyu]

thewaitiskillingyou‌:

“Kind of my job.” Zach gave a shrug. He honestly didn’t give a damn who knew. Why should he? He’s protected by a crook. Besides, he gets to still kill. Zach let out a yawn as he looked back down at the dead body. “My boss didn’t like this guy so I killed him.”

The next question that the guy asked made Zach smirk a bit. “I’m covered in burn marks and use a scythe. I think that’s- what did you say? Intriguing? No idea what that means, but sure. I’m that.” // @zukoyu

It was how relaxed he was that angered Zuko, how he just shrugged off the life of another person as if it were absolutely nothing. He hated how the other just followed instruction, he hated how it made him think about how he had once done the same thing. “So what, you’ll just do anything you’re told to do?”

Any hint of laughter was gone as he shook his head, “Some burns and a fancy weapon don’t make you special.” He resisted the urge to reach up and touch his own scar, the burn he had received when he was only a child. “Those things don’t reflect who you are.”

[uvhinged]

the rhine ─ open

[zukoyu]

uvhinged‌:

Maddie had known that she recognized the aura of the person behind her, the smile that never seemed to leave her creeping back up to her face. She turned, ever so slightly, to look at the boy who carried a crossbow in his eyes ─ piercing, precise and smart. He slept well, that is good, but it was not written on his cheekbones. She was overthinking this, for sure, but how often were the times when she didn’t over think things?

“Haven’t got a chance to yet.” She knew that she had a shift in a few hours and this in between time should be spent taking care of herself. That’s what Raven would tell her. Instead, she would remain on her perch until the right person coaxed her down. 

“I’m glad you slept well, gumdrop.” Humming the term of endearment, she shifted, backwards so that she wasn’t as close to the edge of the abyss. The concrete felt cold under her legs, shorts no longer covering the entirety of where her skin touched. “Where are your feet carrying you today?”

A small frown graced his features to hear she hadn’t gone to sleep yet, it was late, at least to have stayed up until. He knew it couldn’t have possibly been safe, especially with how close she was, sitting on the edge of the brick wall, a few inches from teetering off of it. He met her eyes for just a moment before glancing away, it felt as if she had somehow seen all of his thoughts, as if she just knew that he truly hadn’t gotten enough sleep. Looking at her made him feel slightly vulnerable, like everything she said was just crazy enough that it was true.

“You should try and get some sleep when you can, it’s not good for you to stay up all the time.” Zuko couldn’t be sure she spent a lot of her time not sleeping, but from the way she acted he got the feeling that this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for her to sit up here and just watch everything.

He smiled slightly at the term, his frown fading entirely. “Thank you.” Seeing her move a little farther away from the edge filled him with a relief he hadn’t expected and he held back a relieved sigh. “I’m not sure yet, work and then a friend’s house most likely. What brought you out here?”

[thewaitiskillingyou]

Open

[zukoyu]

thewaitiskillingyou‌:

“I just killed someone,” Zach answered with confusion. Was this guy that much of an idiot that he didn’t know what happened? Zach just gave a snicker at that. He didn’t think anyone was dumber than himself.

The look on this person’s face. Full of anger. Zach frowned a bit at that. He liked people to be smiling so he could wipe that smile away. Zach just sighed. “You’re boring.” // @zukoyu​

Zuko stared at him for a moment, “I know that.” He responded harshly, “Why?” It obviously wasn’t out of defense, the weapon he held gave away that much information at least. It was almost sickening to see, how he didn’t seem like he felt guilty at all. Zuko wondered if he had that same look in his eye as the man in front of him when he was younger.

He couldn’t help but let out a cold laugh at the insult, of all the things in the universe he had been called, of all the hundreds upon hundreds of insults that had been hurled at him, boring hadn’t ever been one of them. “What makes you any more interesting? Killing people certainly doesn’t make someone intriguing.”

[zukoyu]

take my heart clean apart || jetko

[zukoyu]

lastlaogai‌:

Jet placed a kiss, soft, on the top of Zuko’s head as he leaned against their shoulder, letting the warmth flow through themself without questioning it, without needing to dissect it. The safety on Zuko’s couch was so unfamiliar to them with the two had first started dating, but they were getting used to it. There was about a hundred jokes, each dirtier than the last, that ran through Jet’s mind at Zuko’s words. They didn’t say any of them, knowing that their boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate their excellent sense of humor, even if it was in fact excellent. They nosed against his hair. 

“What do you want, love? You know I don’t care much,” they said, voice deeper than normal with their half-asleep comfort. 

He wondered why he bothered asking anymore, they always claimed that they didn’t care much when it came to food. Zuko thought he could offer the worst dish that popped into his head and Jet would still be satisfied with it. But, at this point, spending time mulling over what to eat before having to ultimately make a choice for the both of them had added a sense of normalcy to his life that he hadn’t ever imagined himself having. In fact, everything about being in a relationship with Jet made things feel just right. Zuko had long reached a point where he couldn’t imagine his life without the other at his side, their hand intertwined with his own.

“Hmm, something easy.” He mumbled back, his smile growing slightly at the sound of their voice, “I don’t feel much like making something complicated.”