Vent session 4/26/20
A couple things. First, the not so serious.Ā
Iāve been living with my parents for a little over a year now since the second year of my boyfriendās ST program basically makes it impossible to work while doing the program. We decided to move our in with our parents to save money (especially since thereās no way I could support us and our two dogs on my own.) My parents are fine. Theyāre not perfect but theyāre fine. Iāve realized as Iāve gotten older though just how different I am from a lot of my family. My parents are definitely products of their time. They dont believe in therapy. I go to therapy. Iāve gone to therapy since I was a freshman in college (When I could go without them paying for it/knowing about it) Iāve recently started Trauma counseling, trying EMDR to process past traumas and maybe stop some of my more toxic/ bad habits and the cycle of abuse. (my current relationship isnāt abusive but Iām scared that I may make it toxic because thats really all iāve known or if it fails Iāll go back to the cycle)Ā Ā
I myself have had quite a few traumatic events happen in my life. In the last few years Iāve become pretty open about my mental health, hoping that it might help others (so no one will feel the way I felt, like I was alone etc) I think a lot of my family would benefit from therapy, as now that I am so open, sometimes my family will share their stories. My parents, like I said donāt believe in therapy, and now they also believe they are too old to be fixed. Especially my mom. Which, for me, is really saddening. My mom, when overwhelmed, will hit herself in the head. Which can make it hard to talk to her about anything serious because she also takes a lot of things super personally (and I cant blame her for that. Iām sensitive AF) and it sucks that she feels she, or her inner peace, is worth it at this point. Iāve found a lot of my family just doesnāt really seem to want to better themselves and would rather just sayĀ āThis is how I am, take it or leave itāĀ
Itās exhausting to be around people who are in that sort of mindset when youāre working very hard to be better. Trying to be happy, get my anxiety/depression/PTSD under control, process traumas....
Also. some of my traumas happened in the house, or when I was teen living here. SO, sometimes just being in this house is a struggle. Being back in this room where my ex-wife tried to kick me out and pushed me to a breaking point. Being in this room where I found out my ex-wife kissed someone else while they were deployed and decided they didnt want to be with me anymore. Being in this house where I broke down shattered, screaming and crying for the world to stop spinning, and my ex-wife yelled at me, belittled me, harassed me so much over the phone I had to get my parents involved so she wouldnt speak to me again. In this house where I had to hide so much of myself, had to pretend so many things didnt happen....Its really hard being here. especially in this time of super stress, being in Quarantine and a Pandemic due to COVID-19.Ā
and to add on top of that, my mother has started trying to inch me out. My grandma is supposed to move in when I move out. I guess my grandma is hounding her, so in turn, sheās hounding me. Even after I have explained that COVID has messed with my boyfriends program, and my planned summer vacation. Originally he was supposed to be done in June, and we had a FL trip planned in Sept, so weād move out after our FL trip, to save money, and hopefully not stress the dogs out. (moving to a new place and then all of a sudden your parents are gone for 8 days might be a little much for our pups). Depending on when he started, and how much money I saved, and if my coworker would be moving in with us we could possibly move in August, gives the dogs a month to adjust to their new surroundings before we would move. BUT, now....he may have to do a summer term, to make up for the lack of ST time in ORs at different hospitals, which means he wouldnāt start working in June, he may, depending on how they do their summer term, not be done with his program till July or August...and obviously he needs to work, for at least a month or two before we could move. also, we donāt know if weāll be able to travel to FL in September, THere isnt really a point in going if Disneyworld and Universal arenāt open/fully functioning. soooo....a lot is up in the air. The added stress of my mom constantly asking when Iāll be moving out is not helping my stress level at all. Itās irking me more than I thought. I didnāt want to admit quite how much it bothers me. oi.Ā
Secondly,Ā
probably a month ago now...or a couple weeks Iām not sure (time is hard right now yaāll) our dogs started fighting. Very suddenly. Weāve had Carbon since September 2018. Frank (Jakeās dog) and Carbon have never fought till this point. Iām not sure what changed because they both have lived with me (Frank and one of Jakeās parentsā dog dont get along, so he had to live with me) the entire time Iāve lived at my parents house...It seemed like we were making progress, we were able to have them out in the same room without any trouble for a few days recently. (previously we had been crating one, and switching them out about every 4 hours if we were both home) They do fine on walks together. they seemed to be doing okay, but then another fight happened a day or two ago...Jakeās suggestion is to remain living separate. Iāll move in with my co-worker, heāll either move out on his own or with a roommate with Frank.Ā
to backtrack, Carbon is a almost 2 year old pit/lab mix. He was a rescue, I got him when he was 5 months old. Heās fairly mellow for his age, but he is 2, heās young and playful. Frank is a 6/7 year old potato dog (heās short, a little long and has a round/barrelesque body, supposedly a chihuahua, pug, staffy mix. He isnāt fat either, its solid mass. Heās older and grumpy. so maybe he just snapped at Carbonās youthful shenanigans.Ā They both are very much daddyās boys. they may have fought over his attention (now that they see him more, he has been basically quarantining at my house ) itās kind of impossible to know.Ā
I donāt like the idea of living apart. Iām needy. Plus, for a majority of our relationship we have lived together already. Jake is not only my boyfriend but also my bestfriend. Iām very physically affectionate, and Jake kind of sucks at texting...Also, Iām worried that our schedules wont line up. I work M-Thurs 6:30 am to 5pm. his ST schedule could have him working 12 hour days, he could have to work on my days off. having him spend the night once a week is not enough for me, if I can help it, most of this year thatās all Iāve been getting and its been awful (Quarantine has changed that but, thats special circumstances) We already were only supposed to live apart while he was finishing his program, and now we may need to live apart another year...or more...for the rest of Frankās life, unless Carbon passes suddenly I guess...thats a long time. I get that he doesnt want to crate themĀ āforeverā if we lived together. and if we wanted to go on a trip, weād need specific people to help us, to be sure no fights ensued or whatever, if someone gets bit...itās over. I understand that...it might not be fair toĀ ācrate and rotateā them for however long we need to and neither of us is giving up their dog....I thought maybe if we could get a big enough space maybe it wouldnt be so bad. we could kind of section them off away from each other...(this past year its been me and the 2 dogs in like maaaaaybe 500sq ft) but finding that might be difficult in our price range...especially since weāll be renting and probably moving to Portland (which is expensive) itās causing a lot of stress for me...my anxiety is causing me to overthink. Like. is this somehow a sign that we shouldnt be together? He and I got together before i was even officially divorced (granted he was supposed to just be a confidence boost, not actually a legit relationship..but we fucked up and fell in love) and he has broken up with twice over our three years...the second time really wasnt necessary because he was trying to take care of me, to not cause me to be miserable during his second year of school when he knew I wouldnt be able to see him much and that I am needy, but we ended up doing what I had suggested...which is what we are doing now..being together but living apart. sigh. I donāt know. Itās a lot going on right now. Iām not a fan....everything is super stressful as is...and now all this too...oi oi oi. sigh. itāll work out somehow...right?


























