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[-cass-girl]

[-cass-girl]

A list of things people have said to/about me that a still think about. Some of them were said over 6 years ago.

[-cass-girl]

I move in 2 days

By the end of the year I'll probably be dead in the bathtub of my on campus apartment

Thanks to all the people who ignored the pain I was in or just straight up gave up on me

[-cass-girl]

If im dead by the end of the semester feel free to blame all the people who decided I can't have my cat/just gave up on me (aka webster university and the therapist who just stopped replying to me)

[-cass-girl]

Things he does that makes me think he wants me:

-Kisses the top of my head

-Holds my hand in public

-Acts like he's gonna be a part of my life for a long time

Things that make me think he just wants to fuck me:

-IS ON FUCKING TINDER

-Doesn't want anyone to know that I exist

[-cass-girl]

I wanna be loved but nobody is going to love someone who can't even get out of bed and hates themselves

[-cass-girl]

I wish I was smaller

I wish I was smarter

I wish I was prettier

I wish I was nicer

I wish I was worth it

I wish I was happier

[-cass-girl]

I like him.

Why the fuck do i have to like him.

He doesn't like me like that. He never will.

Im easy so he fucks me but if he ever really got to know me he would run. If he wanted to he could find someone prettier, someone better.

I dont blame him. He should find someone else.

I almost wish he would.

If he was gone then I could stop wanting him here so much.

I am fat, ugly, and difficult. He does not and will not ever want me. I have to remember this so when he actually finds someone I am not sad or surprised.

I need to know my place.

[-cass-girl]

They are healing but how much will they heal before I do it again

[-cass-girl]

If I don't eat all day I weigh about 5 pounds less.

What would happen if I don't eat for a couple days? Would that 5 pounds stay away?

[-cass-girl]

Sometimes I wish everyone would realize that I am worth nothing and would just abandon me.

It would make it so much easier to go.

[-cass-girl]

I feel like I don't belong.

I don't belong in the group chats friends have added me to. I don't belong at home or at school. I don't belong anywhere. I'm never anyone's first choice.

I just want to disappear.

[-cass-girl]

Having feelings sucks

[-cass-girl]

Today I cut because I'm stupid and do dumb things so I deserved it

[-cass-girl]

I wish I had someone

I wish I had someone that I completely trusted. Someone who could hold me and make me feel loved even when I feel so incredibly worthless.

But I don't think I'm capable of fully trusting anyone. I keep my secrets and don't let anyone get to close. I don't let people know what's really going on or how bad things really are.

I wish I had someone I could completely trust but I'm incapable of completely trusting anyone.

[-cass-girl]

The other week there wasn't as much pain. I was prepared to die and felt more numb or sad then in pain.

Now, everything hurts. I'm in so much pain and my feelings are constantly changing.

I'd prefer to go back to the peace suicide ideation brought me.

My heart hurts.

[-cass-girl]

I let my mind take me on a beautiful fantasy.

A fantasy where I was loved and needed. I was wanted.

But then the fantasy was open and reality came crashing down. Nobody has ever loved me like that and nobody ever will.

I have no purpose. No passion. Nothing of worth. I'm better off dead.