Question: What is postpartum depression really like?
Answer: postpartum depression (PPD) is different for everyone. For me, it feels like I have little control over myself, despite my best efforts. I have an extreme level of anxiety, and while I know that my feelings are irrational, they still control me.
For example, I'm tired. It's almost 2am, and while my babies are asleep, I am awake. Why? Because for a brief second the thought of *what if someone broke into my house and kidnapped my toddler* crosses my mind. Just a flash of a thought. Normally, you would acknowledge that it's a weird thought, maybe consider it for a second, and then move on with your life. But not me. Instead, I fixate on this idea. I stare into the darkness listening for anything out of the ordinary. I hear what could possibly be a door creaking, and I am consumed with the thought that someone is in my daughter's room. "Surely, she would make a noise if someone was in there, right? After all, she's a light sleeper and wakes when you open her door. But what if someone snuck in there and stood in the shadows while she stirred and now that she's back to sleep they are walking towards her crib? No, I'm sure she's fine. But I should check just in case, right? A good mother would check. But checking leaves the infant alone in my room. But I can't not check. My toddler could be in danger. I'll go check."
I'm also easily overwhelmed. The idea of going anywhere without my husband seems daunting. I need to go to the grocery store? "Ok, then I'll change the baby, feed her, dress her, get myself ready, stop often to soothe her, get dressed, pick her up, get spit up on my top, put baby down, baby poops, change baby, baby seems hungry, feed baby, realize I'm hungry, feed myself while bouncing baby, jostle baby too much, get spit up on, change top. Put baby in carrier, gather diaper bag, check to see if it needs supplies, restock diaper bag, fill bottle just in case, locate keys and phone, carry all items down the stairs, put baby in the car, drive to store. Decide if I get baby out of car and find cart, or get cart and then get baby out of car. Put baby and car seat in cart, secure diaper bag to cart. Shop while keeping baby entertained. Feed baby from prepared bottle while shopping. Checkout. Decide if I should unload groceries first or if I should put the baby in the car first. Can I leave her in the car with the air on while I return the cart? What if someone tries to steal my car not knowing the baby is in it? What if they know the baby is in it and try to steal the baby? Decide to take baby with me to return cart, put baby back in the car, and drive home. Pull baby out of the car, take her upstairs, change baby. Put baby in swing, go downstairs, grab groceries, run them upstairs as baby is crying, drop bags on kitchen floor, comfort baby. Once baby is quiet, put groceries away." OR JUST STAY HOME. So I stay home, because all of this runs through my head and I become stressed and overwhelmed.
Also, I have little control over my mood. I swing from happy to sad to angry incredibly easily. The smallest thing boils my blood, and I try to hold it in, because objectively I know that whatever it is is minuscule, and yet I want to just lose my shit.
This is just a tiny bit of what PPD is for me. I don't want to leave my home. I don't want to let my family out of my sight. I don't know why I am angry or sad. I don't want to feel this way, and yet I do. It'll stop eventually. If I'm luckily, I'll find the right combination of medication and move past this. If I'm not, it could take a year or two.
So, my body looks like shit and I'm insane. Motherhood is beautiful.