sparkle

xxv - and letting everything go, literally

[bulldyke-rider-deactivated20251]

"Do I deserve this?" "Am I worthy of this?"

So irrelevant. Do you want it?

[lunamonchtuna]

— Rati Saxena, from a poem titled "Mountain Nights," featured in Not a muse : the inner lives of women: a world poetry anthology (via lunamonchtuna)

[00-00019]

I get it, Ma. I do.

Alam mo it would've been so easy if I'm still the girl that only sees her pain. But being the person that I am now--you do your best, I did mine.

It all boils down to that. Everyone is just doing their best.

Literal.

Okay lang, I get it--I get that you're afraid because you've always been afraid. And whenever you see people who are strong, willful and independent it intimidates you. Okay lang, Ma. I get it.

Okay lang, I get it--kasi sa tingin mo di ka minahal at hanggan ngayon yun lang kaya mong ulit ulitin.

Okay lang, I get it--your Mom probably also tried her best. And you as my Mom, you've done enough. Paulit ulit lang, we've been in this cycle, but we're family.

All I can say is that I get. I understand.

Kasi kaya kong umintindi, I know you don't have the same capacity for me pero iitindi ako pero hindi para sayo, kundi para sakin.

I know what I want, I know what I can be.

Actually, there's one thing that I'm sorry about. Sorry din kung hindi ako yung mga anak na hiningi mo sa Diyos. Sorry din kasi hindi kasing easy yung buhay na gusto mo. Gusto mo lang naman is, maging okay mga anak mo (di sila mataba), magkaron sila ng asawa, magkaron sila ng anak--para may apo ka na. Sorry ah. Kung hindi yun yung meron ka ngayon. But anyway, sabi mo nag life is too short. Kaya kahit di mo kami kayang intindihin ako na lang iintindi sayo.

[inkskinned]

oh, i am finally old enough to know why my parents took so long to grab their coats. why they would ask us to get ready to go only to sit down for another round of coffee. what would i tell myself, at 10 years old? it’s okay. sit down with them too. take in the extra hour with your friend and her family. when you get home, write down every moment in your diary. one day you will be older and you will be waving goodbye to your best friend, and you will turn the key to start your beat up little car engine, and you will look back over your shoulder. her hair will be blowing in the wind and she will be beautiful and you will be, for a moment, struck by all of it. what you will feel is so wide and nameless that it will engulf you. and you will think of being 14 and kicking her under the table in math every time you wanted to whisper something behind the teacher’s back. you will think about how long the days felt, and how you could hold her hand whenever you wished, but you didn’t. and you will think about all of the people you could have lingered with. and you will wish, more than you have ever felt a wish, that the universe just gave you that - more time to linger. more time to say - i love you. i know i need to leave, but i don’t want to leave you. and when i go, i am leaving a piece of my heart that lingers too. 

one more round of coffee. the days are so short, and you are so lovely.

[lunamonchtuna]

— Mikko Harvey, from For M (via lunamonchtuna)

[00-00019]

If this is a movie, this is the part where it all begins.

My plane would land earlier than expected, and yours a bit later than it should.

You disembarked first while I was taking my time and you walked past me and neither of us knew.

If this is a movie, there'd be a single bell ring - a frame that focuses on the red strings that connect us both for a brief space in time--shortened and as you walked past me in a hurry it stretched again and again as you walked further away.

I'd hate the idea of missing you, and I've said that before on the very same airport on a different season years before.

I'm not ready even though you're all that asked for. I'd hate to realize that this is a definite possibility for me, in a bout 13 hours from now. I hate the unpredictablity but all of these are not up to me.

If this is a movie, I bet we'd be skipping already to the part where we're almost there but still not.

Tomorrow, is just the part of the movie that doesn't get shown often the part where I just want to enjoy my life.

I'd meet you soon, on the same soil but under different circumstances. I'd meet you soon, like I promise.

[scorpionlafemme]

[00-00019]

I feel like burning everything to the ground.

And I did. Note entries gone, siguro pati tong tumblr na to susunod na din.

Yes, you deleting that one thing I hold on to—really pissed me off. I was soo mad.

But honestly, I’m tired of having this silent invisible argument with you—I’d fight you for real soon. Not that I’d want that, but yeah right now.

I don’t even want to see your face. I’m not interested. I was having a massage this evening, so fucking determined to take this time not think about you and just relax. And guess what instrumental played in the middle of my very zen aromatherapy session :)

You do what you have to do and I’ll do what I have to do—but until the day that you’re already here I’m just going to keep a good enough distance. I like that better to be honest.

[fromhersoul]

may you attract someone who treats you like they’ve been waiting their whole life to find you

[kosmogrl]

[seaphine]

may you attract someone who treats you like they’ve been waiting their whole life to find you

[dreamgirlvibes]

[00-00019]

You're not here yet and I'm already too afraid too that I might hurt you.

[00-00019]

이런 느낌이 있어… 갑자기… 그냥 네가 안아줬으면 좋겠어. 네 품에 안겨서 아무 말도 안 하고 그냥 울고 싶어. 외로운 건 아닌 것 같은데… 그냥 네가 보고 싶은 걸지도 몰라

I'd ask for a sign but I'm weak right now and sometimes I wonder if it still works, if you really think of like I know you do. Like that one day, where the universe conspired to give me that one singular moment and it was magic - magic that only me know. I wonder if you yearn for me as much as I do for you.

[scorpionlafemme]

[00-00019]

I just finished my first book for the year. And suddenly I missed you like I’ve never felt before. It’s 30 past midnight, I love stories like these—mundane, witty and real. I can hear the stray cat purring outside.

It’s late and I told myself I’d sleep early today.

[remanence-of-love]

[00-00019]

I hope you find whatever it is that you’re looking for, wala naman akong ibang patutunguhan kundi sayo—

I’d think we’d see each other sooner than we thought it would take us.

I didn’t even get to finish writing this yesterday and I dreamt of you last night. I was talking to you, and you kept avoiding my eyes which pissed me off btw and I remember telling you to look at me. You were in your white shirt, long hair and yup that’s you. I’ve never dream of you that way before, always just a glimmer, a shadow, a distant figure but this time it’s true, it’s real. Speaking to each other, almost holding but not yet.