Finally, you’re here... I really couldn’t believe it came.
I had been holding it in for hours. The day, really. I could feel the dam losing its grip... there was no more capacity, no volume... I had to push through. Had to.
5, 4, 3, 2, ...1. Thank God. Thank God.
Happy New Year!
My daughter reached for me and hugged me so tight. “happy new year, mommy, I love you so much”. I squeezed her and held on. And then a little nudge pushed on us both. Our puppy wanted in and so did my son... I left her embrace and reached passed the puppy to my son “I love you, baby, so much... so, so much.” “I love you too, mom”.
I looked at both of them and was so thankful for their faces. So beautiful.
“Ok guys, I need you now to run up to bed, it’s late and make sure you brush your teeth!”... I squeezed them both and off they went.
I turned to see my fire burning in the fireplace. The wind whirled and cackled outside.
We were expecting “weather”.
I pushed my chair closer to the fire and sunk into it. And then I let go...
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. You know the kind of crying you do when you don’t even make a sound? You can feel release but physical pain as well? Like your heart is breaking. And it hurts. I almost didn’t make it this time. I’m getting better at holding off letting this pressure out, breaking down crying...until they go to bed. Once they are who over the stairs, I can cry.
Because today especially? I’m one month clean. One month out. One month devastated. One month terrified. I made it one whole month and I’m still here. I did it.
And I need to acknowledge this accomplishment.
...It’s been one month since I left an abuser.
I am someone who was mentally and emotionally abused by my husband.