Locked Out Of The Closet

Kayden • Los Angeles, CA Instagram: @kaydenmiranduh

[0kmusic]

Mirror, Mirror

And there you were just standing there

Soft cheeks, soft skin, and long wavy hair

I stared right into those dark brown eyes

I searched real hard for what’s inside

A boy who’s longed to be a man

But Mama said God has a plan

That’s why he made you with birthing hips

Hour glass curves and luscious lips

But Mama tell me how could that be?

If every baby looks the same to me

This baby girl has no birthing hips

Like how a baby boy has no stubby chin

Mama, people may grow up that way

But overall it’s a choice they make

To show off what they have with pride

Or to work for what they feel inside

Mama, I think that’s why God made us this way

to grow into the path he wants us to make

No adult was born yesterday

No baby knows themselves in a day

So mirror, mirror, you just wait

You may just see a man one day

[0kmusic]

Sometimes

I feel too much

Or too little

To ever commune what I genuinely have to say

I’ve had so many words of admiration

Thrown at my face like a baseball

Hitting the crevice of a heart

I still reluctantly call mine

Brave

Confident

Selfless

Smart

Beautiful

Talented

All words that I define as lies

But perceived as true to the eyes

Of people who deem to know my soul

Truth is

I’d replace this pretty picture

With the truly longed preference of my soul

But I’d miss her

I’d miss this body I’ve worked so hard to sculpt

I’d miss being called

Beautiful

Pretty

Sexy

I’d miss the look my mom would shoot

When I wear a dress she had thought would look

“Great with the boots I bought you for your birthday”

Although this sculpture is not finished

It’s becoming of what is expected

In the eyes of my culture

My family

My peers

My past

Just fuck dude I feel so alone

But I do all that I can to avoid it

I perform selfless acts to keep people holding on

To avoid the the truth

The pain

The heartache

The real struggle I’d endure

If I chose to even attempt to replace

This pretty little picture frame

I’ve hidden the most inner parts of me for so long

I’m not even sure if this longed preference

Is even there anymore

It’s faded into the occasional tears I’d shed

At my loneliest hours

But I still feel him

Sometimes

|

Kind regards,

-The Anonymous Man

[0kmusic]

Finding someone you can explore everything and nothing with

[0kmusic]

Somebody else has also done some internal work! 😍💯

Our baby girl who was infamous for her separation anxiety finally did it!! She stayed home alone with absolutely no complaints, no destructive behavior to be seen, and she was a calm happy camper 🥲❤️. Never thought I’d see this moment. I am so proud of you Bando. I know mom would be too ❤️.

Cheers to love, life, and growth ✨

[0kmusic]

It’s like the lump I couldn’t swallow for awhile has finally been released. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this proud.

I know you don’t need to hear it from me anymore, but I am so fucking proud of you. 💯✨

Keep shining love bc you’re well on your way to change the world 💫

“The only way you can know

You give it all you have”

[0kmusic]

[0kmusic]

My Love,

Thank you for reaching out today. I missed the way you talk. I miss you… and I always will.

Lately, I’ve actually been really happy with myself. This is the most independent I’ve ever been in my life and I never thought I’d ever feel this proud of me. I’m confident, secure, and stable enough to deal with my own emotions. I actually don’t remember when was the last time I had an anxiety attack. But honestly, I have you to thank for that. I don’t think I’ve ever communicated this to you, but throughout the years we’ve been together, I would silently use the tactics that you taught me. To take 3 deep breaths and open my eyes & ears to my surroundings. To remind myself that I’m safe until I eventually stopped needing to do that anymore. I truly would have never been able to do that if it weren’t for you.

Although I’m exploring this newfound independence, I can’t help but cherish the little moments we shared. How one moment we can be idiotic creatures squawking into the night & on our merry way to grabbing donuts at 3am, to two beautiful individuals that took their time holding and exploring each other’s bodies & minds. I love how we painted each other pictures with words just so we can stare into each other’s looking glass. We used to let each other in so effortlessly that it would have taken more than a swat team & a storm to pull us apart.

For awhile after you left, things were so unclear. I didn’t realize the wall I built against the world despite the good things that were happening around me. Stress began to eat away at my gratitude… and you’re right. It took the love of your life away from you…

Admittedly, it took me tripping on shrooms with Mik one night to see it.

I played all of Illenium’s albums the night we tripped, and realized why I connected with him so much. His albums told our story… From beginning to end.

I find myself still having moments of feeling guilty that I am moving on even though I know very well that you are too. I’d like to think that I am not thinking about you as often as I used to, but it’s difficult to unwind your strings around my heart when your the person that taught me how to love fearlessly. Nevertheless, I think I’m learning to accept that your strings will always be around mine. There’s always going to be a part of me that loves you no matter where we are. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to forget the magic that we had. The stolen moments we were able to share while the rest of the world stopped and suffered through a literal pandemic… we made love, magic, and a home. We built a real family. But maybe it was all just stolen moments. Maybe our love could only exist within the pauses of time. It was perfect, immaculate even. But something that became clear as day for me that night I tripped, is that you are the moon to my sun, and you always will be. You’ve shined through my darkest nights and you still do…I stare at the moon and I think of you. But, I’ve learned & accepted the hard awful truth that the moon can’t be with the sun. Otherwise, the world can’t spin. Trust me, I would have traded anything and everything just to have you in my arms again, but as the world is spinning, and life continues to bloom, it’s time for us to do what we need to do. It’s time for us to shine my love. Every millimeter of my being believes in you. I know you’re going to shine brighter than you ever have before. I’m lucky I got to have you for as long as I did and incredibly grateful I got to experience a love as great as ours. There’s no one and nothing in this world that could ever take that away from us. If the concept of time ceases to exist and our souls are infinite, somewhere beyond the other dimensions, are two young individuals that spend their evenings in the back of a car, making love and singing fearlessly… because the future nor the past matters.

“I love you, always. Time is nothing.”

Ps. Whenever you find yourself looking up at the sky, just know, there’s someone on the other side of the world looking right back at you. ❤️

Everything.

[0kmusic]

Deep talks about the universe & self esteem is a definite kink.

[0kmusic]

Loving Too Hard

Last night I spoke to an old friend about a topic we so often loved to discuss. 

Finding ourselves

Something we had very much in common was that we gave too much of ourselves to the wrong people. We’d bite harder than what we could chew when it came to relationships. “Maybe it’s a Pisces thing”, we’d always say. But how could a zodiac sign implicate a trait to fall in love too hard? More importantly, how is it that we were able to love these people? Really.

There’s that popular saying, “You can’t love someone until you love yourself”…Which was honestly the most confusing shit I heard in my life. 

Because even at a point in my life where I felt like I had nothing left to give, I felt myself scrapping up my remains just to make this beautiful girl I met on Tinder smile. I felt myself falling in love as soon as I heard this girl speak. Am I crazy? Yeah, maybe…

However, I really am the type of person who’s willing to take a shot at happiness even if it kills me. My happiness relies on seeing the creases rise across people’s cheeks and having the ability to say “I got you” after a request. 

I spent so much time thinking I had no idea who I am because I was so focused on others, that it prevented me from embracing this quality of mine. The quality of being a giver. 

I don’t know who’d be reading all this, but for all those “givers” out there, stop hating on yourself for loving too hard, or giving yourself away too much….

because the complete & utter truth of it all is: You have always been enough. But being “enough” is up to your determination: your self-worth and perspective…not anyone else’s. Embrace your quality to give even when you feel like you have nothing left because that takes courage and strength. Love yourself for who you are because you are SO worthy of loving; you owe that to yourself. 

Tell yourself that you are enough. Because for God’s sake, it’s time you tell yourself, “I love you”. 

[0kmusic]

I know I wrote this, but look at past self looking out for future self lol.

[0kmusic]

6-17-22

6-17-22

Was the day the love of my life walked out of my life. A day I will forever remember. What’s even more wild about this day, is that 617 is an Angel number that means:

“Angel number 617 represents the beginning of a new cycle and positive changes in your life. The angels want you to understand that these changes will create room for innovation, assertiveness, striving forward, and finding your life purpose. Angel number 617 also carries a message of material and financial needs that will help you create a better life while finding your soul mission.”

Here’s the part that gets real crazy: I bought 2 tickets to see our favorite DJ, Illenium. He’s playing his entire Trilogy, 3 sets, and guess what day?

6-17-23

Exactly a year from when she let me go. Now, I really don’t know where my life is going to be a whole year from now, especially since I’ve decided to just stay single and focus on music for awhile. As much as I could take the opportunity to move on with someone new, I think this is the universe telling me that this “someone new”, is me. There are so many uncertainties I’m encountering, but I’m learning day by day that it’s just part of the journey. However, all I am certain about at the moment is that I’m going to see the guy that inspired me to go to music production school. Here I come Illenium! Taking a trip down to Denver, Colorado baby! I’ve never been, but I hear it’s pretty. I just have 1 ticket to spare, and God only knows who that ticket is going to when the time comes… Guess I’m just going to have to wait and see.

[0kmusic]

Honestly, as long as you’re happy, safe and in a better place, that’s all I need to help me sleep better at night ❤️. Good night, I wish you the very best.

At least we could say our peace. I find it unconventional, but we never were, were we?

I hope you know, my post was not to come at you with any animosity. It was more so what I’ve witness the past 4 years… I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings at all. You opened up about your point of you, and I opened up mine. This month has been quite the process, and mix of emotions. I find myself wanting to hate you for what you did, but desperately missing you at the same time. Just know, with every talk I’ve had, I still until this day defend you. That’s love I guess. Regardless of it all, I loved you with everything I had in me, and I still do.

I know, there’s a part of me that’s literally going to give anything just to hold you again… but seeing the pictures you’re posting for me to prove your love and happiness with this guy has been excruciating to say the least. I get it, you’re in love with someone else now… and if this is your way to help me move on, then message received. This will be my last message on Tumblr since I’m deleting the app with the intention of never reopening it again. The photos hurt way too fucking much, and I pray to God you never have to feel that kind of pain in your life… but anyway, I’ll leave the message here for you to read.

Admittedly, I still talk to your dad, but that’s because he gets lonely and I told him that he can call me for anything, even if it’s to share a laugh… because he offered the same. I only ask for you to respect that relationship in my life, because I really do care about him deeply. He’s been my second Dad throughout this process, and I’m truly blessed to have this joker to talk to. Also, don’t worry, we don’t talk about you, we actually talk about really random shit, tell each other jokes, or provide resources we could use to save money lol. Also, may have promised him a vacation when I get rich and famous (if I ever get there lol).

Anyway, wishing you the very best love. I hope you get everything you deserve 💯❤️. Again, I would never intentionally hurt you. God, never would I ever want to do that. You are still so precious to me. I just wanted to owe you my honesty is all. I am so sorry if that’s not how that was perceived. I really thought it out and felt like I needed to my honest opinion since we are probably never going to have the in person closure I want to have, but at this point, I don’t think I ever will. Learning to accept that hurts, but it’s for the best.

ps. I did leave my favorite hoodie in a box at your dad’s place. Not sure if he kept it, or you had him get rid of it, but it’s there for you if you ever decide to come back. No intention behind it, just something in return because I admittedly kept the hoodie I saw you in the first time we FaceTimed. That’s how I want to remember you, remember us, and I’ll forever cherish that. We loved each other when we had nothing, we struggled, and fought until we couldn’t. But once upon a time… well…

everything ❤️.

[0kmusic]

Did I do anything so bad to make her want to leave? Am I just not enough? So all the waking moments I had to be there for her. Whether it was staying up having 6 hour conversations about how she was feeling until 3am for me to work at 7:30am… The fact that I actually asked an extra hour a day from my boss so we can make ends meet… all the sacrifices I’ve made just to make sure she’s okay. Even on nights I should be celebrating, I only have a drink or two so she can have the time of her life, or the fact that I didn’t smoke often so I make sure I can be conscious enough to protect our little family if I needed to in the middle of the night….

Even after everything. All the things I’ve seen, heard or read… I find myself staying up until 4 am just wondering how she’s doing. If she’s okay. If he’s actually treating her well or if he’s making her feel safe. Wondering if he knows how to make her coffee, or if he does the mental check ins. The “how’s your head?” “How are you baby”’s or “how can I make you feel better today?”. If anything, I hope she gets that… or just the deep conservations about the universe to distract her mind from the evils of the world. Or checks over his shoulder to pull her in when she looks like she’s getting in her head. Not just say she looks beautiful because she got ready and put on make up… no, but the times when her skin is bare, and she looks in the mirror and doesn’t feel it yet… those are the moments that are most important to tell her she’s beautiful. Every inch, every millimeter. I hope he let’s her put her feet up over his legs because there’s tension she holds right in the middle between the heels and balls of her feet. I hope he gets that dimple to rise often. The one 3/4ths of an inch from her pretty lips, the one on the left side of her cheek. I miss seeing that.

I hope that he figures out one day that her anger is not because she’s crazy, but because she has the biggest heart in the world. The heart that’s on fire, and sometimes it’s expressed through anger because that’s what she was raised around… but deep down, beneath the anger, is a heart of gold that just wants to know how she can make things better. I hope he lets her sing constantly, and dance around the kitchen. I hope he can watch her and marvel at her talents as well as her beauty…

Most of all though, I hope one day I see her on American idol, or any of the shows she used to cry happy tears for. No matter how dark she got, I saw a star. A star so powerful, she could SHIFT the world.

Regardless if she thinks I caused her pain, or poisoned her spirit… I did everything I could to protect it. But this country, this system, boy is it tearing me down right now. It tore us down just as hard. If I had no stress and all the money in the world, I would have gave her all of it. Unfortunately, she didn’t see that in me though… I wish I could have given her all the attention and time. But I worked so hard so she can rest her mind, and eventually, I thought I could take her out to see the world…

Instead, I lay alone in our bed… damn, I still can’t stop saying “we” or “our”…

Just trying to remember the good moments. Just so I can dream of her again. I feel like I’m dating a ghost at this point, but I fall asleep just to see her again. To hear her voice, her laugh and stare into those big beautiful brown eyes. I know there’s a lot of hurt right now, but I pray to God I see her again tonight, and hold her tight like I used to.

[0kmusic]

I miss your touch on nights when I'm hollow

I know you crossed a bridge that I can't follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know

That if I can't be close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

[0kmusic]

When she wants attention but you got bills to pay 🙄😂

[0kmusic]

The only girl I ever need ❤️.

[0kmusic]

If only you knew

If only you knew the things I’ve been talking about, the things I’m doing. This dream is all I have now… making music. I can’t with other girls honestly haha. None have been worth the time but you… you is all I think about still.

However, here I am, getting high off the same weed you bought before you left. Constantly thinking about ways I can better my life so I could finally be worth it to someone someday. But maybe not… shit. Maybe our love was the last I’ll ever have. Weirdly enough, I think I’m okay with that. I think I’m learning to be okay with being by myself. Home alone. Well, plus Bando lol.

It’s crazy because, sure, I’m not a bad looking person. I literally have a beautiful British Beverly Hills lawyer (and yes, with the accent) I met at a club trying to figure out a day to hang out with me, then there’s the bikini model, and sweet Jesus the fucking film screen writer… All pretty, but they aren’t you. All of them “make sense”… But no one will ever be you…

Sure they can try to get to know me, but I haven’t allowed it. I know I’m not ready yet. Not with all we’ve been through. We struggled together, and that’s a bond hard to break. Maybe it’s unhealthy I’m turning down all these opportunities, but honestly fuck what my friends think. Fuck what anyone thinks. I will move on my own time, and if I don’t wanna date or sleep with girls right now, I’m okay with that. Honestly, curling up under a blanket to write and produce songs has been a good jam I’m gonna stick to.

You know, I still can’t even kiss another girl? I swear I haven’t… it’s crazy, I. Know. Lol. It’s so dumb because I’m a “single pop star” now… BIG WHOOP. Bitches can try, but I can’t even imagine kissing anyone else. Not yet at least. It’s sad because I can’t even give out my number. My friends literally have to do it for me. But at this point, it’s all pointless. I barely text back anyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful I have my friends right now because life would be roughhhhhhh. But I’m making the most of it. And Bandit. Jesus thank God for Bandit otherwise this apartment would be too fucking quiet lol.

But what’s nice is that I’m figuring out what I want to watch now. I have been so used to you choosing, I haven’t even touched Netflix until 3 weeks in since the day you left. I didn’t want to watch anything until you came back. It sucks that it never happened… but it’s a cool experience for myself that I can finally just do things for me. I haven’t been able to really do that. Between the band, my dog, my friends, I’m finally drawing boundaries I never drew for myself… I don’t think ever… yikes. Lol. But I guess it’s time to do what Kayden wants. Whatever that looks like, well, I’m definitely still learning.

I do call your dad every other day though. He gets lonely and we understand each other. We’re both living the “single dad life” right now, working our asses off to pay a bunch of bills. At this point, we complain to each other about everything lol. Jesus this is hard, but that’s life. I love that I do have someone that gets what I’m going through though. Never thought it would be your dad, but he’s really grown to be such a role model. Even though it’s adorable he calls me his “lil role model”, and still considers me one of his kids. The “I love you Kay” from this guy makes my day every time. I love that man so damn much. It’s too bad we’re so close now that we aren’t together.

Wow, I’m high… but it’ll hurt worse if I wasn’t.

Oh man. Thank. God. For. Weed.

Ps. I kept one thing. The hoodie you wore when you first FaceTimed me. Yup, the navy blue San Francisco one. It’s ironic that’s the last thing you wore while you were here... It still has foundation on its collar from when you took it off. But most importantly, it still smells like you.

[0kmusic]

-this will be on repeat till the end of time lol