Virtual Reality

Documenting. Names are changed.

[0nlinejournal]

12:15pm 05/31/2026

I keep having nightmares in the space upon waking and drifting back to sleep. My body wakes me up at nine, but I have time to sleep longer, so I do. The dreams are only nightmares.

I used to expect nightmares. Every night I knew I would wake up feeling worse because my dreams were so awful. But they stopped a few years ago. I thought they were related to stress, so why am I having nightmares again? I’m on break from school right now. I’m only working a summer TAship and researching for an essay I want to be doing. On the daily I mostly relax. So, if they’re stress dreams, I don’t know what’s causing them. Finances? My current sedentary lifestyle? Maybe I should just get up when I wake up. Eliminate the time when they’re happening so they can’t happen. It’s so hard for me to want to get up, though. It’s my time off.

12:38pm

[0nlinejournal]

1:04am 05/31/2026

One of the earliest memories I have is of my mother dislocating my shoulder.

I was in trouble for something, I don’t remember what, but knowing my mother it could have been that I was annoying her on a bad day. She ordered me to the corner, but I cried on the floor in protest. I hated the corner. She grabbed my arm and started to drag.

I don’t think it took long for the pop. I started screaming. She went silent. She placed me on the couch and called my dad. While they were talking she stood directly in front of me, all her anger gone. But the anger wasn’t replaced with concern, really. It was replaced with fixing a problem. I was the problem. My arm was the problem attached to me.

My arm popped back into place while she was standing there. She muttered, “It popped back in,” and immediately hung up the phone. I don’t remember what happened after that.

This is an incident she doesn’t claim to not remember. Instead, it’s something that we periodically recollect and laugh at.

I thought it was funny, too, until I started telling others. They don’t think it’s funny. Their uncomfortable faces say it’s not funny. I don’t remember what happened afterwards. If I use other memories as a base of reference, she probably just went back to whatever she was doing.

1:21am

[0nlinejournal]

11.29.2025 6:47pm

I started grad school a few months ago. We are coming up on the end of my first semester back. I am currently avoiding writing my two long final essays. I have so much I want to say for each of them, but I struggle beginning. I've only gotten A's so far, though, so I think I'll be fine with these last two.

Having a week-long break right before the last week of school is diabolical. I am in cozy mode and having difficulty breaking back into work mode. That is all. Just a lil' update.

6:49pm

[0nlinejournal]

10:46pm 06/03/2025

All I can do while passing the LED-lit vape stores is stare directly into their lights. They are popping up all over my home town and they remind me of lightening bug traps. We are bugs going toward the light. The shops replaced the small local stores, they populate the new build strips, they inhabit every block of this town. I find myself annoyed with them.

VAPE, CBD, SMOKE SHOP

We get it, we get it. We've lost both of our book stores. We've lost restaurants. We've lost what I liked to call stuff-stores. But we have plenty of places to buy vapes now.

I cried today reading an old blog from 2016 talking about the liquidation of Hastings. A store that sold DVDs, books, music, comics, and stuff. I would sometimes wander the isles for a couple hours on days where I had nothing to do. We lost a large local stuff-store after covid, another store to meander in for a while on a day off. You could make jewelry, look at books, cards, puppets, toys, and stationary. Everything is being replaced by bullshit. There is so much bullshit. Buildings are being torn down to build expensive complexes that no one but the students whose parents pay their rent can afford. Local staples are being replaced by large corporate company stores, or fucking vape shops. The town is a college town, but it had a charm to it, still. Now it feels like it's being gutted and replaced by soullessness. Stores that feel like they feed into the loneliness epidemic. We aren't experiencing places anymore, we're there to grab something quickly and go.

[0nlinejournal]

10:08pm 05/02/2025

I have two windows cracked to hear the rain. My apartment is small, so the window in my living room (where I am sitting) is to my left, and the window in my kitchen is a short distance to my right. I am surrounded by the sound of rain. We live in a triplex with our neighbors residing above us, so I do not get to hear the rain fall on the roof. Only they get that pleasure. There is thunder rolling in the distance, and I wish it would roll my way to lull me to sleep, which I will have to attempt to do shortly.

I am distracted by the rain, but I wanted to write an update. I will be returning to school to pursue a Master's in Literature in the fall. My plan is to learn, and to network. I feel that I am in a much more capable headspace than I was during my undergrad, and I intent to get the most I can out of returning to University.

I've been keeping a physical journal for a bit, but I find it harder to find time to write. I have not kept up with it as well as I once kept up with documenting my days and feelings here, but something doesn't feel right about writing my journal entries online. Sometimes I think about keeping them in some sort of application, or even just a word document, but I don't want them accessible from my laptop without a password. I write here in an incognito tab, and I always log out. I'm sure there are password protected journals, but if it's some slightly obscure app, I fear that there is a higher risk of losing the entries written there forever. They feel safer on a website I'm familiar with.

I worry about my laptop. The fan starts to get very loud fairly quick. I'm going to need it for school, but I hope that it doesn't die. I can't really afford it dying. Maybe the fan just needs a cleaning. Maybe that's something I can do myself.

I'm going to read before sleep, and I abruptly feel that I don't have anything else left to say for now. I believe it to be the fan. The sound has silenced my mind.

10:25pm

[0nlinejournal]

10.21.2024

[0nlinejournal]

10/22/2024 10:33am

Incredibly busy week. Multiple birthdays, pricey matenince on my car, a market, and a pumpkin carving sesh.

Started the weekend (Thursday) off with a small movie night at my coworker’s new house. We watched Holes.

Friday morning I dropped my car off at the mechanic, and by 5pm I was paying $900. Later that evening I was dressed as Megara and making my way to a friend’s house for a costume birthday party. Everyone seemed to be proficiently intoxicated. I’ve actually been getting a little overwhelmed at these larger events recently, so I kept my drunkenness level at a reasonable tipsy. After a few waters and some time I went home. Successfully removed my makeup, and passed out.

The next day (Saturday) we were up early to take my best friend to breakfast for her birthday. We went to a place I’ve never been to before, and I will be going back. After that we took her a town over for some thrifting, but we stumbled upon some town event that blocked off the small downtown area. We walked around, I got her a lemonade, and we made our way to the one store we ended up going to that day. We were incredibly tired after the shop, so we went straight home. Partially to nap, for a few hours later we were at our regular bar for birthday celebrations. It was enjoyable.

Next day (Sunday) I was up earlier than I wanted to be for a market down the street my friend convinced me to vend. If you were to have been outside for just a moment it felt lovely, but sitting outside all day made me irate. I’m not made to sit in the heat. I sold a good bit of things, though. Made around ~$130. I was so ready to be done I left thirty minutes early.

Yesterday (Monday) I went back to work, and then afterward, scrambled to the grocery store to buy pumpkins and pumpkin carving kits with the love of my life, because we were hosting. We all sat on my living room floor surrounded by trash bags filled with pumpkin innards while Over the Garden Wall played on the TV.

I work again today. I am tired.

11:01am

[0nlinejournal]

10/01/2024 5:50am

Quickly! I have ten minutes until we open our doors. I’m not sure what has changed in the past few days, but I have been feeling immensely better. Maybe it’s because I’ve been remembering to consistently take my vitamins. Maybe it’s because I’ve been allowing myself to indulge in other peoples vapes (lol wouldn’t that be so stupid?). Maybe it’s hormones? When I started writing again it was what I like to call “Hell Week”. The week before my period I get borderline su*c*dal. If not out right so. It’s like a hellish surprise every month.

But anyways, I’m feeling better. Hopefully it sticks.

Time for work. Oh! I got a raise!! I can’t wait for that to kick in. A whole $2.50 more. Insane.

Okay I really gotta go, I’d like to write again later today, we’ll see though.

6:00am

[0nlinejournal]

09.28.2024

[0nlinejournal]

I don't know how to stress this enough:

Please don't get yourself addicted to nicotine.

I wish that I could convincingly get the message across that being addicted sucks ass. I have been vaping since I was 18, and I am now 27 (28 rapidly approaching), and I fucking hate myself for getting addicted. Because lets be honest, it looks cool (I find that arguable now, but it felt cooler when I was younger). I thought it looked cool and I liked the feeling it gave me and everyone was doing it so why not?

Now, my entire mood depends on my access to nicotine. At first I don't even think I was fully conscious of it, but soon I realized that if I had to go for long periods of time without nicotine I become irate. I know that might not seem like a huge deal, but the idea of having your mood in the hands of something that is actively harming you is so fucking irritating. It becomes all I can think about when I don't have it. I get irritable with those around me when I don't have it. It's fucking embarrassing. And people don't deserve that. But it's hard to put on a happy face when all you want (it really becomes more of a need) and all you can think about is somehow getting your hands on nicotine.

I actually quit last year. It was an entire year. I just recently gave in again. I haven't bought my own, but I've been roaching off of others like a fiend. It's pathetic.

The cravings never stop. They get a bit more tolerable, but they never fully stop. When you're stressed or pissed or whatever, you will still always crave nicotine. I just wish it was something that I never consumed. I wish that my life wasn't going to be forever tied to this disgusting bullshit.

I quit last year because I started having health problems. I had to go to the hospital. Something happened in my brain. I couldn't understand people speaking to me, their words sounded like gibberish. I felt like a baby who couldn't understand language. I thought I was going to die. That sounds dramatic, but I did. I was really really scared. It happened once and I thought it was a one off, but it happened again a few weeks later while I was at work. It began as cold sweats, and then I was on the bathroom floor vomiting with the worst pain I've ever felt in my abdomen. I couldn't hear, and then when I could, I couldn't understand people. I couldn't remember my address. I couldn't even fill out the paperwork at the hospital because I couldn't read. Like, my brain wasn't processing the letters on the page.

And even with that experience, I still crave it so much that it makes me fucking cry sometimes. It feels like curse.

I don't know what would appeal to the younger generations to prevent them from vaping/smoking/zyns (I'm certain it's probably not someone telling them they thought they were gonna die and that sometimes the cravings make them cry), but I don't know. I just felt like I needed to get the message out there. I'm sure y'all are getting plenty of targeted anti-vaping ads, but I know those are corny and the appeal of others doing it can be more persuasive.

Is vaping cool in schools right now? Or is it generally looked down upon? Straight up, throw vapes in the trash, or across a fucking parking lot. I condone bullying of this subject I don't care. It fucks with your skin and your body and it makes you feel like shit generally (although you might not notice it consciously). It's ugly. It's an ugly gross addiction. And it's expensive. Unnecessary waste of money.

I did not mean to rant this long.

[0nlinejournal]

I want to express my being as fully as I can because somewhere I picked up the idea that I could justify my being alive that way.

- The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[0nlinejournal]

09.28.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09.28.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09/28/1:56am

Ended up going out tonight. Ofelia said she was going to end up at Maya’s after work, and that I should come. So I went and we ate chicken pot pie. We left fairly early (I believe it was like 8:30pm) because Ofelia wanted to go out and I said that I would leave when she left since I had walked to Maya’s. I didn’t want to walk home in the dark.

I decided that maybe I’d go out to. If I felt like it by the time Ofelia was done getting ready. I didn't really want to, but I’ve been so bored at home. It was pleasant. We ran into a friend and chatted for a bit. Frank ended up stopping by for a second as well. I’m actually going to see him tomorrow. He’s going to change my brake pads.

Anyway, I’m home now. Reading Perfume until I fall asleep.

Goodnight.

2:01am

[0nlinejournal]

09/27/2024 1:15pm

I could’ve picked up my coworker’s shift today, but I did not. I feel a little bad about it. She casually mentioned she had a final a few days ago, but also left out the time. Which, either way, having to work on the day of a final sucks. I can get behind that. But if you work after? I don’t want to pick it up, selfishly. I know it. I do feel bad about it, still. But I’m really trying to value my time off. And not to make it sound like I’m being a bit petty, although I know deep down that there is a bit of pettiness, but she never picks up anyone’s shifts ever. She has two shifts a week, usually ends up putting one of those shifts up, and then never helps anyone else out. Even when she’s not in school! I guess I am a bit salty about it.

Her parents came into quite a bit of money this past year, so she came into quite a bit of money this past year. Which is fantastic for her, but has completely altered her work ethic or care for picking up shifts. I mean, if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t either. I just don’t really understand why she doesn’t quit. They pay her rent, her tuition, and give her spending money. Actually, I have asked her about it before. I do know why. She said her parents still want her to have a job so that she doesn’t become detached from the real world. Which, would be fine if they weren’t also putting a deadline on graduation for her. They expect her to do well, graduate next year, and work? Why?? Why work?? She’s not going to become detached in her last year of college. She’s worked the ducking customer service industry long enough to not turn into a monster, I think.

It just isn’t helpful for the rest of us at work. And it’s an unfair amount of pressure for her in my eyes. They’re hard on her.

Anyway, I’m at a cafe right now. Trying to find ways to get out of the house. I got a 4 dollar Americano. I don’t really like drinking iced coffee but it’s still too hot, so I submitted to an iced drink. But, the ice is chunky as shit, and there wasn’t very much liquid. I’m considering getting another one. But man, I don’t want to spend four more dollars.

I could’ve sat inside but I think I need to be outside for the sake of brain happiness. It does feel nice to be outside, even if it is a bit hot. It’s not toooo hot. There’s a wonderful breeze. I brought two books with me. The Journals of Sylvia Plath, and Perfume. I’m trying to stick with creepy/eerie books for the season. Sylvia Plath does not fall into that, I just brought her along. It’s weird being out and about alone. I feel like I haven’t just, done something on my own in a minute.

I think I’m going to try to read now.

1:36pm

[0nlinejournal]

09.25.2024

[0nlinejournal]

09/26/2024 12:13pm

Sitting outside while baby is basking in the sun. The weather is slightly cooler today. There’s also a wonderful breeze. I was talking to my coworker yesterday about how I think half the problem I’ve been having is because it’s unbearable to go outside. Not that I go outside a ton when it’s not unbearable, but I think maybe I linger out here a bit more.

Our apartment is a cave. No beams of light make their way through our windows. During the day the dark coolness of the place feels suppressing. Maybe that sounds odd, usually it’s heat that suppresses, but maybe you get what I mean. The damp and the cool feels like it wants to keep you there.

Woah, big gust of wind! Oh man that feels wonderful.

But yeah, dark days inside. Not sure what to do with myself when I’m home during the days. Ive just been reading a fuck ton. But… if I could at least read outside. I think that would help my brain feel more like a person.

I feel oddly nice this morning. I’m still greasy from yesterday, not hungover from my wine night with Ofelia, and didn’t wake up with the feeling of impending doom. How. Pleasant.

Yesterday work was boring. No signs of our squirrel friend. But, there was a man. I didn’t notice him when I came in, but my coworker brought him to my attention before she left. She said he’d already been there for an hour, sitting in the corner, smiling at people. I flicked my eyes over to him. Sure enough, there he was, full teeth grinning at anyone who passed him. No drink other than a depleted water cup. Sat squarely between both entrances. He immediately became unnerving when you realized his grin did not falter.

After two younger dudes called to express how creepy he was (they likened him to the movie Smile) my coworker went to speak to him, and he left on his own accord shortly after.

My coworker said that he looked like he was tripping. He asked him to stop staring at people or he would ask him to leave. The man turned toward the window, and it seemed like he was trying really hard not to stare at people, but in the end he was just too high and kept getting distracted with people as they walked in and out.

I’m off today. Not sure what I’ll do with myself. Other than read for a bit.

12:35pm