creation and born again

@0t4kuy4k1

...and there was light.

449 posts

I've been looking at it wrong

My whole life I keep forgetting

Repentance is not about not sinning

It's about choosing what is right

To do what honors God

That is true freedom

Countless thoughts fester my mind

Thoughts I trouble to express

It fills me with regret

If I could turn back time

Alas, it cannot be

I cannot turn back what I've been

Where I am now is a new me

A new creation

My heart, it aches

I feel much burden for the year to come

So much that I need to do

Yet at times I do nothing

I should be doing it

I keep struggling

Yet I should not stop

Cause when I do

That's when I am further from God

So it starts right here

It starts right now

Everything is anew

Goodbye, old self

Hello, new creation

Here they are again

The thoughts

They ravage

I'm tired of it

Why am I so

I go back to the days

Where I say things to survive

Respond with words hoping

I would not hear words

Words of anger

Words of hurt

Words of discouragement

I go back to those days

When I make my mistakes

I revisit the memories

That shaped the pain of my childhood

Amplifying the memories

Amplifying the emotions

Questioning why is it so

Why was I so

What can I do

How can I go

When will I

Where can I

The thoughts end

I have nothing left

My body feels like a void

I feel the wind passing through me

Why am I so

Only One

No one else would understand

Only One

Someone Who is not from here

A Higher Being

He alone knows what I am going through

He alone understands me

Yet, I feel so alone

I do not know who I can talk to about

The feelings that well up within me

He exists, He is there

Yet, I cannot hear

I cannot see Him

Is there anyone out there

Who would hear me

Who would see me

Anyone to stay

and listen

but then

There is only One

One last time...for five more months

If I've survived doing it for 12 years

What's five months compared to that

What am I even doing

Why am I doing this

I'm tired

I'm different from then

I can't be like them

I'll be a leader my own way

Don't overthink it

Just do what you think is best

Don't think to much about it

It's just a fantasy

That love you think of

I messed up

I shouldn't have done that

Yet the surge of emotions overtook me

I let myself be consumed

I let the beast out

For the wrong reason

I let the beast out

Like how he did

Which I promised to never do

I hurt her

I see the blood

Dripping from the eyes

I can feel the pain in her voice

What have I done?

Monster

I can't be like others

So

Who am I

I am not enough

That is why I must run to Him

Nothing

Nothing can save me anymore

Other than Him alone

God alone can save me

Will I reach out my hand as He has always been reaching me?

My thoughts always lead me

To think of something else

Voices that are not my own

Whisper that the fault is all mine

Yet I have done nothing

The darkness nags me

It's your fault

You did something

You have not helped

You made it worse

One day

These voices

Will still be here

But I will learn

That they are not my own

To survive another day

Is the role you have to play

Living with the facade you made

It's how you can live for another day

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