lellow

✟ she/it ✟

[maidthings]

hi welcome to my kitchen this is my box that makes things cold and my box that makes things hot and my box that makes things wet and my box that makes things full of EM waves and my box tha

[100000000mph]

am i asexual or just traumatized but also who cares because it can't be known

[thesobsister]

Dan Hillier, Ground (2020)

[whenilookedatyouthelightchanged]

[muzantropic]

Narcis. Sasa Montiljo, 2017

[100000000mph]

laser and dentist in the same day. maybe i should be it/she now

[dreamstars]

[nobrashfestivity]

Suad al Attar, Garden of Eden, 1993

[thunderstruck9]

Suad Al-Attar (Iraqi, 1942), Garden of Eden, 1993. Oil on canvas,183 x 153 cm.

[100000000mph]

asexual

[100000000mph]

i went to a public sex beach today and the only time and found myself turned on was when i was looking at my own body in the reflection of my friend's sunglasses

[100000000mph]

in actuality i get nervous about applying the asexual label to myself. there is something that i want and it might be able to be described as sex, or at least sexual. but it's vague and nebulous, and i have absolutely no sexual instincts whatsoever, so i don't know how to find out what it is or where to find it or how to ask for it. this weekend an attractive woman asked me if i wanted to "fool around." i'm ashamed to admit to but i was relieved to learn that earlier in the day that same woman really hurt the feelings of one of my closest friends. it gave me a tangible reason to not have sex. otherwise i would have probably obliged myself to the proposition, which i can only imagine would have ended with me making myself out to be a creep in some way. i made myself out to be a creep anyways, because my response was to go sit on the beach and dissociate. but at least i spared myself the embarrassment of pretending i know what sex is or how it works or what emotions are supposed to be involved. which to me sounds less like asexuality and more like i'm just depriving myself of experiences out of ignorance.

[100000000mph]

genuinely i do love dissociating it's fun

[100000000mph]

i do crave being hit and bit and shocked and choked and all of that, and have no other word to describe the gratification but sexual. and there are relationships i want, like to be owned, or to be so close to another woman that everyone else assumes we are incestuous. does this make me not asexual?

[100000000mph]

asexual

[100000000mph]

i went to a public sex beach today and the only time and found myself turned on was when i was looking at my own body in the reflection of my friend's sunglasses

[beguines]

I don't think God is this entity out there altogether apart from us. "The eye with which I see God is the eye with which God sees me," says Meister Eckhart, a quote which I'm sure you know and which is no doubt overused. But it does get at an important truth. Attention enables God's presence. The life and love that are God are catalyzed by the life and love we expend in his direction, whatever form that expenditure takes (art, prayer, worship, theology, maybe anything beneficent that is done with "absolutely unmixed attention," as Weil puts it). God really is more of a verb than a noun, as are our "selves."

Miroslav Volf and Christian Wiman, Glimmerings: Letters on Faith Between a Poet and a Theologian

[100000000mph]

i might have experienced some kind of portent today?

[100000000mph]

asexual

[389]

Maxime Guyon

[seraphim-eternal]

As I was with Moses, so I will be with you.

Joshua 1:5