10000 posts

A life journey

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#00208: Attempts, systems and mood

#00208: Attempts, systems and mood

I like lists. I enjoy writing down things to do and crossing out things that have been done. I like to organize my life using timetables and countdowns. When my mood isn’t down, lists and categories carry a sense of purpose i.e. a reason to wake up and get out of bed just to cross them out.

But that’s only when my mood is up.

One of the first things I started on this blog but soon gave up.

Early …

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#00207: 2 years

I’ve been in my room for over a week. I do not have the energy to even talk to someone, let alone answer their questions. I’ve been mostly in bed. Netflix and pills?

The pills got me out of bed and into the real world. I managed to see my baby girl. She’s the only thing in the entire universe that can put a smile on my face no matter what mood I’m going through.

Bipolar? Depression? Anxiety?…

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#00206: I’m a father!! May 4th 2017. Welcome to the world, baby H. 🙂

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#00205: Slowly does it, right?

#00205: Slowly does it, right?

I’m still here, folks. I haven’t given up yet. Not completely, anyways.

I might will move to London in September. I finally have the courage to admit that I never wanted to study. I never liked studying. I did it for my parents, my family, my society. I wanted want to be accepted. What am I without the Dr, Eng or Prof before my name? Now, I’m just another name. Nothing special. And I’m slowly…

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#00204: Gentle reminder

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#00203: $3.64

“Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.” Epictetus

I sold my car. I sold a few rare paper currencies I had since I was a kid. I’m offering one-on-one tutoring for high school students in any science subject, mathematics, Arabic, English … and I began offering writing up reports and essays for money. I’m staying at my parents’ house. I don’t have any assets to…

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#00202: The All-Nighter - 3

#00202: The All-Nighter – 3

This is what happened last time. And this is what happened the first time. 

This time is slightly different.

Today will be my first day back to work.

No. More. Medicine.

I really should write about the “Medicine lie” and how it has been fucking my life up since 2008. It took me 9 years to summon the courage to finally say “I hate studying. Oh, by the way, I lied about wanting to do Medicine. I did…

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#00201: The All-Nighter - 2

#00201: The All-Nighter – 2

This is what happened last time.

And now I’m repeating the same shit.

I want to quit my studies, but I’m too scared of the consequences. The consequences are unknown. I’m scared of the unknown.

I just want to get my life back.

Sometimes, I’m filled with optimism and hope – just like last time. But now, I’m scared of doing it again.

It went pretty well last time. But … I was too scared to simply…

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#00200: 2%

200 posts later, and the so-called “journey” isn’t going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.

Exactly 2 years ago, I got a call from my father. “Your brother .. Bahrain .. dead..”. I don’t think I can ever forget that night and the days that followed. 

200 posts later, and I have not stopped self-chastising my worthless self. I have no love for myself at all. No matter what I do, no matter where I…

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#00199: Innocent Terrosit 

Pack your bags. Make sure there aren’t any dangerous metaerials inside. Remember: you look like a terroirst, so you will be treated like a terrosist. 

Make sure you’re an innocent terrorist.

Make sure you’re at the airport 2 hours before departure. Check in. No more luggage to carry, only a small hand bag.

The small hand bag has books you’ll never read, notebooks you’ll never use, a portable…

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#00198: The All-Nighter

That’s what I’m doing. But it’s not for an examination. It is related to college, however.

I’ve pulled so many all-nighters that it had become a routine. I learned how to deal with free time, changes in body-temperature, heavy eyes, and a lot more.

But I’m not writing this post to show off my “talent” of not sleeping for more than 24 hours. I’m writing this because this is the most needed…

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#00197: Letter to my Unborn Child - 1

#00197: Letter to my Unborn Child – 1

Dear Unborn Child, I hope you get to read these words one day. I’m not addressing you as “daughter” or “son” because it doesn’t matter, my love for your unborn souls has led me to where I am today.

Where am I? I’m pulling an all-nighter to end something that I should’ve ended a very long time ago.

Before we start chatting, I genuinely hope you get to read this in good health. Health is wealth,…

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#00196: Writing

My first memory of writing was in the form of a written apology I slipped under my parent’s bedroom door. I don’t know what I did, but I felt bad. I couldn’t (still can’t) find the words to say something to my parents. I sat down in my room and a calm voice in my head told me to grab a piece of paper and write a letter of apology. 

I remember why I kept on writing. It was my way of thinking about…

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00195: 1st, 2nd and 3rd

Hello. Please forgive my incoherence. Have you cried for no apparent reason? I have. 

I was in the car. I was supposed to drive back to Irbid. That’s when I broke down. Stuck in traffic, a sudden rush of fear took over. Suddenly I was scared of the entire world. I frantically called my wife. She didn’t pick up. I texted her to please answer. 

I’m scared. I can’t stop the tears that are gushing…

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#00194: Anger

Have you ever felt angry? I suppose we all have felt angry at one point in our lives. 

Perhaps you were angry because your phone stopped working? Some shit at school? Your stupid boss at work? The fucking weather? 

And then, what did you do? Perhaps you broke your phone, or you might’ve yelled at someone – a loved one – and then you proceeded to kick some stranger’s ass?

I woke up scared and…

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#00193:

I was stuck in traffic. Nothing new. Then I broke down. I started crying. I frantically called my wife but she didn’t pick up.

A sudden rush of fear took over. I was so scared I froze in my place. The only thing moving were my tears – my eyes were vomiting because of the paranoia that was in my head.

Fear.

Your words are useless when fear takes over.

I parked on the side and kept on crying. My…

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#00192: Meh

FatBoy Project? I have no clue what it is anymore.

This blog is filled with unfulfilled promises – post a day, story, projects, ..etc

I have no clue why or what I am writing.

I just missed you, folks. My fellow strangers.

Is it OK to not know who I am? Is it OK to not achieve anything worthwhile? Am I worthless?

A blog filled with shit. Posts written under the influence of mind altering drugs.

Pe…

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