The Real Feelings of Damien

Ive been gone for a very very long time this use to be a place where i vented my emo feelings as a kid. Now Im an adult and unfortuantely a lot of those feelings are still there along with rage such rage i hold inside i dont understand it. 

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“How is your Job? Are you having Negative thoughts? All i have are negative thoughts”-Joker

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“I use to think my life was a tragedy but now I realized its a comedy”-The Joker 

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA I sit Here everyday cutting a permeant smile into my mask that I put on ever day. I hate this I hate how I feel constantly every day I think that I'm a piss of shit your garbage you don't deserve this woman YOU DONT DESREVE TO LIVE DIE! 

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Barely scrapes the way I feel everyday. 

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I just don't understand What is wrong with me???

Why do I feel like this all the time. Everyday I beat these feelings back with marijuana and alcohol. Ever night smoking bowl after bowl drink after drink I begin to love myself again bit as I return to my normal mind set I began to hate myself. I don't understand it my life has gotten so much better since I started this. I have a woman who absolutely loves me with all her heart but I still sit here questioning am I good enough for her can I support her the way she needs could I raise a child knowing that I may create another version of me. Someone who has no feelings?! Why am I a heartless prick? Why don't I feel anything? How can someone love someone like me? Why do I think these things? What is wrong with me? 

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Its been a long time since I've posted

Its been years since I have written here. During the time I've been I have experienced so much in my life. Before I wished I died and tried a couple times to kill myself but after six years of the military I have grown. Do I still hate myself yes but know I tell myself stop being a bitch and move fucking forward. But my feelings that I experience and wrote about before my long break is still there. Especially the rage. I'm so fucking angry all the time. People piss me off are government pisses me off. I get so angry cause I've done everything right in my life and I'm still fucking struggling to live. Damn near 30 still living with my parents cause I cant make enough money. Feeling like a failure in my relationship as my gf and I desperately want are own place but with what we both make its impossible. I'm tired of living in this shit ass world worth all the fucked up issues and the oppression of the poor. Literally as it sit here and write this we are experiencing the largest wealth transfer in history. We are sitting here watching are government drive Americans into poverty while the rich have made record amount of money this year due to Covid just look at Amazons CEO.

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Help

I feel like i'm in a vortex full of barb wire. I'm being cut up on the inside by some force and i want ti to go away and it won't no matter how hard I try. If I try to be emotionless it hurts me more than it normaly does, I don't understand. The only way to feel good is to get high, or to get drunk. Some times i wish that i could stay drunk or high all the time so these emotions never come back, but i can't. 

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Crapy

Feel like crap want to go and crawl in hole and die

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Next to last song. 

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Blood Shot

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