#100BrokenDays

Documenting how it feels to break up from your first love of 9 years.

[100brokendays]

Day 100: This is it.

For the past few days, I've been thinking about what to write on my 100th day entry —what are my final words, emotions, thoughts and direction. Here it goes...

It's symbolic that the 100th day lands on a 22nd of a month. We started dating on April 22... and we would wish each other Happy Anniversary on every 22nd of the month. We both told each other we loved each other on the 22nd and a lot of significant events happened on the 22. I even planned to get married on the 22nd of a month. Oh well... 

Even though, he was a big part of my life, he was not everything and that's what kept me strong through these past 100 days... Stronger than I thought I would be. Even as boyfriend-less, I still have amazing friends and family in my life and can still do things I love to experience. 

I still love him and I will always care for him. He, without a doubt has changed me since we both grew up together for nearly 9 years... Almost a 1/3 of my lifetime so far. He made me see my strengths but also my flaws. I will always be thankful for that. Thankful to have met him, fall in love and experience many amazing moments with him. He was my first love and I will always share that with him. 

I learned what love is and how love feels, something I doubted possible before him. I remember he reminded me before we were dating, that I said, "I have so much love to give but waiting for someone to give it to" and he wanted to be loved by me. I did give him all that I had and my love for him was stronger than his for me until I slowly started to lose sight of our future together.

Even though, he always told me I was the best and I would still ask him "Do you love me?" Maybe, I liked the confirmation but maybe I just didn't always feel it through his actions. His desire to be with me and love for me was not enough to turn his life around and become someone better for me.

I wanted him to love me more than I loved him... So subconsciously, I loved him less and stop doing things for him. Maybe, that's why it doesn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. Over the last years, I gradually adapted as my feelings faded.

Regardless, I have no regrets or doubts. I look ahead and am hopeful of what is in-store... Whether we end up back together or continue going our separate ways, I will always cherish the time we had and be thankful that I was once loved by him and in love with him.

I don't expect to find love like that again. Maybe people love differently with different partners... I don't know. But I am satisfied that I experienced love once in my lifetime. Even if I continue my journey without romantic love, I will not be alone because I will always have my family and friends, including him.

For the time being, it's all about chasing my dreams and starting a new chapter of my life. For now, this chapter with him has closed but my story isn't finished. 

Our breakup song to close this post...

This will not be my last post but I will no longer post daily. I may post occasionally if I feel like there is something I want to say about him or our past. 

[100brokendays]

Day 99: Sharing these thoughts with him

When I first started blogging about these 100 days, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to read these entries or not. At that time, I didn't know what I would write about... Whether it would be something that would help him move forward or hurt him. Part of me wanted to share my entries with him because I was writing to him (that's likely why I told a mutual friend about this blog...perhaps it would leak to him) 

He was the one person I talked to on a daily basis for about 9 years. We talked about everything —our emotions, feelings, frustrations and joyful stories. There were no secrets and yet the last 100 days have been a mystery. We both don't know how the other has been doing or feeling... And I've been writing my thoughts daily as if I was telling him how I am.

Now that the 100 days will be over tomorrow, I contemplated about sharing the link with him but I won't... Because it may hurt him more to hear some of the things I've written even if it may help him move forward too. Who knows, maybe he's doing just fine. 

Perhaps one day, I will share this with him. Maybe when I do my annual reflection blog post. Regardless, if we ever end up back together, this blog will be here for him to read...

[100brokendays]

Day 98: Missing him

I miss him but it's different from how I missed him before. 

I don't necessary miss the relationship or physically being with him and doing couple things. I think I just miss talking to him and catching up with him. It's like when you go on vacation for a while and you miss your family or your closest friends. 

I still had to explain to someone today that we are no longer dating... it feels pretty natural now... even more than before. Sorta like this old news and it's no big deal. I can talk about him like any friend. How I should pick up some things he has of mine.

I'll see him this weekend at our friend's birthday. I look forward to it and I intend to look nice... just like what most girls would do when their ex. Heh.

[100brokendays]

Day 97: Friendship > Finding Love

Upon talking to a close friend, I realized I value friendship more than finding love... I recall back in high school, when another girl friend liked the same guy as me... I would always be the one that forfeits. Pointless to risk losing a friend over a guy. When a guy friend liked me and I didn't reciprocate, I would usually distance myself a bit but still try to continue our friendship. It's usually harder because as a friend, I wouldn't want to hurt them nor lead them on. Sometimes it worked out and they get over me... but sometimes I have one less friend...  

With my first high school boyfriend, it was a short relationship but we remained good friends after we broke up. We ended up going to university together and shared classes together. We were both happily dating other people too. 

With him, this is the same. We will be good friends and I will always love him as close friend and someone who was once more. And because I value him as close friend, I would never intentionally hurt him in anyway even if we aren't together. Obviously not being together would hurt him but I know it would pain him more to know I have moved on and is with someone else. He would be happy for me... yes but it would devastate him. 

I'm not saying I will never look for love until I know he has found love and fully moved on (who knows when that would be?). But right now, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else because I know he will be hurt. And as close friend and former lover, I would never hurt him in any way possible. I still remember that dream and that painful feeling I had when I learnt he was with someone else. I would never want him to feel that... I rather feel it instead.  

Maybe this is just part of the way I love him... even if I have moved on, I wouldn't hurt him because I still love him as a close friend. My current focus is finding a new career that will take me to somewhere new... after I chase that dream, we'll see what happens next 

[100brokendays]

Day 96: Hanging out

We promised we would still be good friends. Nothing wrong with good friends chilling.... So when should we hang out again?

I'll see him next week at our friend's birthday but I think it would be nice to spend some one-on-one time with him to catch up on what we've missed these past 100 days. Maybe it's still too soon for both of us. I do miss his personality and even if we aren't together, I miss him as a friend just like I would with any other friend. 

[100brokendays]

Day 95: Impress him

He saw a couple photos of me this weekend and complimented my arms (I've been working them out!). It made me feel nice and proud but different to how he would compliment me before when I was his girlfriend —not necessary better or worst, just different. I remember those days when he would tell me I look beautiful or sexy. 

When he was proud of me... It would mean the most to me.  I remember that first time he said I was amazing when we just met and started chatting on MSN. (I just said something outrageous —poo on a stick dipped in pee LOL and his status was "she's amazing"). When we were together, there were times where subconsciously I wanted to impress him by taking him to places he would love, dress up for him and tell jokes to make him laugh. One of the best feelings is when he approved and/or was proud of me. 

Like...

That time I said 'The Notebook' was a bad movie and he said "That's my girl". 

That time I shoved a rude girl in my way and he said "I love you"

Those times I made him laugh with a witty remark 

That time I rebutted his argument about touching the pottery at the Gardiner and he was told me he was impressed at my statement

That time I took him to see the fireworks show in Montreal and they synced it with his all-time favourite song "Sandstorm"

Those times I took him to places with amazing food 

That time he told me I am a good daughter and he was proud of everything I've accomplished in life

He knew I was the best. He would tell me I was. Yet, I didn't always feel that way... Maybe because he didn't show it the way I expected... maybe I expected too much?

[100brokendays]

Day 94: Learning

This breakup period has definitely been a learning experience for me. Here are some things I've learnt;

I am strong. During this breakup, I've been okay —yes there are sad times but for the most part I feel fine.

I am optimistic. I knew I was generally a cheery person but this breakup has shown me that I can find positive even though rough and toughest times.  

The people around me change who I am —I start to act like them, behave like them and learn from them

There are many things/people that make me happy other than being in a relationship with him —my friends and family, becoming a better person and just shit that I love (working out, going outdoors, dancing etc.)

Theres' probably more but that's all I can think of right now. 

[100brokendays]

Day 93: Sometimes

It's been a little over three months. I can't believe it. It feels like it wasn't that long ago we were together and yet it feels like it's been a while. It's hard to describe. 

I know I will be fine, most days I am. But there are times where I get more emotional.

Sometimes I do get sad 

Sometimes I miss "us" and being with him.

Sometimes I cry it out

Sometimes I feel strong and focus on improving myself

Sometimes I get angry at him that we ended up like this

Sometimes I'm embarrassed when I see other (sometimes newer) couples get married and start their future together

Regardless, I know this is a life learning experience for me. I will grow from it and who knows what will happen in the future. 

[100brokendays]

Day 92: I'm still broken

I bawled pretty hard last night. Maybe as much as that night I drove away from his place... the first day. I used a number of tissue that night. Maybe the most I've ever used... 

Why? I don't know... I guess sometimes it hits you randomly. Maybe I'm realizing now that 100 days is almost up, I no longer need to think of him.... think about what to write about him and us. Maybe this blog helped me hold onto a piece of him. I used it as a space to write to him. It's like the final goodbye that I will happen on Day 100. 

I remember how much he means to me and how much I love him... but how sad it is to let that fade away. 

[100brokendays]

Day 91: I still break down

Had an amazing weekend celebrating my best friend's bachelorette. For some reason, I missed him when I came home. 

I miss sharing the stories with him. He always listened and understood my perspective. It was always fun telling him my stories and seeing what he would say. I miss talking to him... sharing my happiest moments with him. 

I barely thought of him this weekend... I don't think I did until now when I thought of this blog and what I should write. It reminded me about what I would have done if we were still together; I would call him, tell him how i missed him since I stayed the night with my girls, ask him what he did... and I would just tell him everything that happened. 

It made me want to cry. And when I do... I listen to A&B's Sun and Moon Acoustic version. It is my breakup song for him. 

I also realized it's been about 3 months since we broke up. I remember how he was over his ex after three months... It was a shorter relationship but I can't help but compare and wonder how he feels about me now. There were points in our relationship that I did compare his past relationship with ours. How he did things for her but not on the same caliber for me... like how he painted a photo of her, took transit for 2 hours to see her 5 mins, bought her a telescope to watch the stars with her, secretly voted up her "hot or not" photo, .. funny how I remember these things... Regardless... even at the end I still compare their relationship to mine. Is he over me? Does he still love me? Is there someone new in his life...? 

It sorta breaks my heart to know he could be. 

[100brokendays]

Day 90: about 3 months

I am posting this one day later as I spent the night at my best friend's bachelorette. I don't have much to say as it's a "laterpost"... I was too busy to think of him. I didn't even realize until now that it was 90 days... which is about 3 months. 

I remember he met me three months after his last bad breakup with his ex. By then, he had gotten over her... and started to fall for me. It makes me wonder about this now...

And this is leads into today's actual post... Day 91.  

[100brokendays]

Day 89: Moments when you want to be with him

I saw the Fray tonight. They were great and there were some slow ballads. The lyrics really get to you but for some reason... I didn't think of him... I didn't want to be with him there and then. 

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life

Just like those moments when you would want to share with the one you love, a quiet walk at night on the beach, leaving a concert under the stars etc. 

I thought it would be nice to have someone but I didn't picture that someone to be him. 

[100brokendays]

Day 88: Love

Today I remembered how it feels to love him and that smile he gives me. We messaged each other casually just to talk about random stuff. I offered to buy him his gum from this wholesale store near my place and give it to him at our friend's birthday. He responded with "OMG I thought you would never ask" That made me chuckle... I don't know why but it did... maybe he thought about it but didn't want to trouble me. I don't know... it was just cute and it made me smile. 

I told him he could just ask... we're still friends. I guess he just wants to give me space. who knows. 

[100brokendays]

Day 87: Perfection

I watched an old classmate's engagement video today. It was super sweet and adorable. 

It reminded me of him and us. It made me a little sad and also bitter. I was sad that we never got to this point. I was bitter because I blame him. It was his fault, he never grew up enough in the 8 years and changed for the better. 

We were a great couple but he was only a good boyfriend. I could see his potential but I never felt that he was perfect and was so certain that he is the one. That's why I cry at weddings. They are certain they have found the one and they want to spend the rest of their lives together.

I will be always searching for perfection. Does the perfect man exist? No... But a man with imperfections can exist as perfect in my eyes. 

[100brokendays]

Day 86: Getting older

I'm turning 28 this year... There was a time when I was younger, I wanted to be married around this year. Well... I'm nowhere close to that status. 

It would be nice but I cannot control finding someone to be with. Instead, I'm focused on me. Get my own place, live somewhere away from here and just do stuff that I love.

I don't have a desire to be with him. Maybe in the future when he's more successful in life ... But not right now.

I actually want to try this dating thing. Am I nervous? Yeah... It's new to me. It's also exciting. Excited for this learning experience. It's like getting a new job... Could be the best job ever... Or the worst. I just need to not take it too seriously. 

[100brokendays]

Day 85: Nothing much

Nothing new to report today. I'm pretty focused on myself right now. Getting my portfolio done and staying fit. I have other hobbies I want to pursue this year too! Seems like there is not enough time to do everything I want!

[100brokendays]

Day 84: That fear

I think in every relationship and breakup, people fear that they will never find someone else... or someone else better.

While I was in the relationship and now that I'm single, I've thought about it a few times. A new relationship could just happen or I'll really have to put myself out there and meet new people. I think it's pretty hard to find someone you click with, have the same values and share chemistry. I think, it would be tough since I'm pretty picky and have a very specific criteria. Especially now, I wouldn't settle for anything less.

*sigh, I'll worry about this later. I don't want to think about it