100 Days of Starting Over @100daysofstartingover-blog - Tumblr Blog

DAY 100!

I made it!

100 days have felt both long and short. I feel like this is only truly where the story begins. All of it makes me feel both excited and afraid, but hey, I’ve made it through a hundred days, so what’s another one more, and then another one and so on and so forth.

100 days are over, time to take it one day at a time now.

Thank you for reading and staying with me. WE MADE IT!

DAY 99

“I want to get comfortable being uncomfortable. I want to get more confident being uncertain. I don’t want to shrink back just because something isn’t easy. I want to push back and make more room in the area between I can’t and I can. Maybe that spot is called ‘I will.’” - Kristin Armstrong

I’ve been training myself to be less afraid. I ended the last morning of 2015 with my first Pilates class ever. I’m starting the third day of the year with my first yoga class ever. It’s so easy for me to back out, to say no to an invitation and spend the day wondering what would have happened if I had said yes instead.

No more wondering, just doing.

Because it’s never as scary as we think it is, it’s never as difficult or as dreadful, and I want to experience all of it.

No more wondering, just doing.

DAY 98

I can’t help but look back at the past year and think about how lucky and loved I have been. The last few months especially, have been the toughest but also the best.

With every little trial, there came a reminder of I-can-do-this mixed with a whole lot of love from my family.

Despite not being in the best financial state, I’ve felt so rich being loved by these people, and that is truly something money can’t buy.

This line pretty much sums it up for me: “Those who have love, have wealth beyond measure.”

To being lucky and loved. Happythankyoumoreplease.

DAY 97

Ending the year with this tune and my favourite lines:

“The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must. We came here, and we tried. All of us, in our different ways. Can we be blamed for feeling we're too old to change? Too scared of disappointment to start it all again? We get up every morning, we do our best. Nothing else matters.”

“But it's also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing; has nothing. All we know about the future is that it will be different. But, perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same. So, we must celebrate the changes. Because, as someone once said "Everything will be all right in the end. And if it's not all right, then trust me, it's not yet the end."” - Evelyn, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

“You have no idea now what you will become, don't try and control it. Let go. That's when the fun starts. Because as I once heard someone say "There's no present like the time". - Muriel Donnelly, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

“It's not enough to stand still. There's gotta be progress. Movement towards something. Because the really frustrating thing is we could be madly happy. And not to go after that, and not to take the risk when it's so close you could almost reach out and... touch it. The great and terrible thing about life, there's just so much bloody potential.” - Douglas Ainslie, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Here’s to celebrating the changes, learning to let go and to all the bloody potential in the world. Happy 2016.

DAY 96

I laugh a lot when things get hard,

And now I’m laughing to myself thinking about how sexual that was,

But no, not that kind of hard.

Just when the going gets tough,

Like at the gym,

When it feels like my body can’t muster another punch to the bag even though my mind has played punching bag to my thoughts all day,

When my legs refuse to push the sled even though I feel like I’ve been pushed around a little too much,

Or when trying a new thing,

Or having to admit that I’m scared shitless,

About the future, about how not easy it’s all going to be.

I can’t help but laugh,

like a weird defence mechanism, me lying to myself,

that maybe if I smile at the storm it might smile back.

It never does.

But I do it anyway, because what can we do but laugh in the face of adversity,

Let others, and sometimes ourselves, think we’re crazy,

And maybe, maybe we are,

But aren’t the best ones?

DAY 95

I’ve stopped missing home so much. Not the people, just the place.

I’ve gotten used to this street, the stores we go to, the gym, the people, the non-conversations, the “how ya doin’?” and “yeah…nah(s)”, the drives down the somewhat familiar streets, the usual suburbs and all the new ones.

It’s quite a nice feeling, whatever this is. It’s a little more comforting. I’ve stopped comparing home - the architecture, the structure, the people, the food - and just accept where I am.

Acceptance is a nice thing. It isn’t a resolve. It’s knowing who and where you are. It’s being at home outwardly, but more importantly, inwardly too.

I guess home is where you make it.

DAY 92, 93, 94

Nothing / so much has happened these past couple days.

I’ve been thinking about the new year and all the new things that can and will happen. I’ve been thinking about how to make them come true and busying myself with small steps along the way. Lightly, lightly. Don’t tread too heavily, don’t get too excited and don’t despair too hard. I’m trying to remember these things. And to take out the trash and feed the dog and take it for walks and go to the gym and be strong. Be strong because that’s all you can and need to be now. Pick your battles, especially when they’re not fighting against you, but around you. Shut your ears and walk away. Go for a run. Say what you need to say if it makes you feel any better. Be patient, but don’t take shit. I’m trying to remember and move forward these past couple of days, in the best possible way. Because even though the days feel so long and empty, my mind is really full and my heart is really afraid and sometimes all I want to do is cry and tell someone far away that everything is not okay. But I think I’ll get over it. So I fall asleep, like I did last night, like I’ll do again tonight, hoping it’ll soon be alright.

DAY 91

My first ‘ang moh’ Christmas!

Prawns on the barbie - Check!

Everyone gets a gift!

Lots of ruf,

DAY 90

Survived THREE months here!

Okay, not like I was left on a desert island or something, but moving and having to plant your roots some place new is a pretty scary thing to do.

It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve been trying to keep up with the ‘joyous spirit’ going around this season but this is the time when I miss family most too.

I’ve kept myself busy the past couple of days with prep and the attempt at feeling some form of excitement but everything just makes me wish I was with the people I love. Damn you, Christmas TVC(s).

Guess it’s all part of starting over. Hope your eve was better.

DAY 89

Adam J.K. recently sent out a newsletter with his BEST OF 2015 list. Since it’s the end of the year and time to be looking back, ‘reflecting’ and stuff, I thought I’d do mine here too:

MY BEST OF 2015:

1. Moved to Sydney! (although it was all so fucking scary)

2. Swam in the ocean for the first time.

3. Consistently went to the gym.

4. Said “I love you” a lot, to people who I needed to say it to.

5. Kept in touch with friends and family.

6. Flew to Perth for my birthday and spent time with family!

7. Wrote #100DaysofLittleStories.

8. Ate lots of cherries, and chocolates.

9. Visited a corgi kennel!

10. Having all these things and so much more to fill my list.

DAY 88

This is my ‘home’ bubble.

Since moving away, i’ve been lucky enough to experience moments with certain people who make me forget I’m in some place new. No awkwardness, no pretense, just a feeling of things falling into place and forming this bubble of comfort and all things familiar.

People who feel like home and make you feel at home. I guess that’s what I miss.

DAY 87

I see you in a picture and I think about that feeling you give me. That wide grin matching your welcoming arms. I know what to expect next - a long, warm hug where my head fits right above your belly as I say, “hi, daddy.”

And I think missing someone has so much to do with the feeling they give you.

It’s just different talking on the phone or on Skype. When they’re with you, you kinda forget you’re in some place new. They just make you feel at home.

DAY 85 & 86

Birthday weekend!

Started at the beautiful Vaucluse Tea House:

24: a reason to drink at breakfast

“One step, one punch, one round at a time.” - mantra for dealing with life this coming year.

Baubles and all things beautiful:

Visited a corgi kennel on DAY 86. One strange must-do item checked off the list!

YAY. Happythankyoumoreplease.

DAY 84

In about an hour, I turn 24. Things like these always get to me. Like maybe there’s something I’m supposed to do by now or someone I’m supposed to be, and at the same time, there’s a quiet voice in my head that reminds me: This is your journey, it is travelled and told in your time. So here and now and you is all you’re meant to be.

Sometimes that voice is so quiet, I forget.

So, as a personal celebration for surviving 23 years of living, I’m trying to remember everything that has been important to me and helped me survive these years.

1. Family, and people who remind you what family feels like.

2. Perspective.

3. Gratitude - i’m here and nothing is too painful, so okay, thank you.

4. Patience - this is something new that I’m learning. To just sit with things and be okay that they’re not working out or falling into place right now. To work towards making that happen every day while letting things take their course.

5. Health - Learning to understand a body that’s not going to be forever young, to push it but also support and nourish it because it’s carried me through.

6. Time alone.

7. Friends - especially the ones that don't change despite the distance.

8. Vulnerability.

9. The need to always try new things.

10. Adventures.

11. Stories.

12. Writing.

13. Kindness.

14. These lines:

“But life transitions, even when good, are always difficult, and they are always slow and gradual. There have been times where I have felt lost, like I was no longer the same person I once was, but also unsure of the person I was becoming. There have been times where I felt conflicted and confused, where I mourned for a past self that I knew I would never see again while anxiously awaiting a future self who seemingly would never come.

In the meantime, I keep trying new things and accepting however I feel about them, both good or bad, all while trusting that one day I will arrive in new sunny waters that I will love just as I loved the ones before.

A good life is not a life without problems. A good life is a life with good problems. And so it’s despite the turbulence of the rocky waves and twisting tides, I can sometimes stare into the heart of my confusion and the crossed strains of joy and sadness, and smile and be grateful that it’s all there.” - Mark Manson.

15. Puppies.

16. Letting go.

17. Living lightly, lightly.

18. Intention.

19. Authenticity.

20. Saying and doing what the heart feels like.

21. Sunshine.

22. Words.

23. Me.

DAY 83

Got my final pieces of pottery work back! Pretty happy and proud of the outcome :) I guess it’s just nice to make something with your hands sometimes.

Also, something to add to 2015:

DAY 82: One of the two reasons I’m glad to be back.

DAY 81

Another flight. This time back to Sydney.

Crossing over again tonight to a place I still can’t call home.

I’m not sure what it is or how long it’ll take but I’m trying to find peace in people who walk through this with me.

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