EXPECTATIONS
if i look back, i am lost
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@10thousandwords-blog
The End.
I realised two things the other day. 1) It's finally time to let this go and 2) This blog wasn't causing any more happiness than it was anything else.
So I'll no longer be updating this blog but followers feel free to un-follow me here and follow me at omgitsnico, my normal tumblog.
Thanks for reading, listening, liking, reblogging and following.
- Niks
Time on my hands.
So it's funny, lately I've had a lot of time on my hands. Usually I'm fine but lately just sitting cooped up sick in the house has led me to thoughts that have been laying dormant for about half a year. I guess that's what happens when you got time on your hands, you sort of just become a hostage to your own thoughts.
I've got the flu and as a result morning times for me hasn't been nice. This morning at 5am I woke up in a sweat and my body was aching like a marching band secretly had a prade in my room and walked all over me. As I lay there trying not to move or even flinch as even the slightest movement made my body go ow and my head go thump, I remembered something. I guess you can call it a flash back that my body triggered off.
I remember being in Her dorm room. Back when we were together we used to have to lay a spare duvet on the floor because at the time Her bed was really only made to comfortably sleep one person. However I always found it hard to sleep without Her ever since the first night we both shut our eyes together. So the spare duvet on the floor was there because I knew half way through the night I'd wake up with a cramp in my right knee.
The combination of staying still for too long (maybe not getting enough blood circulation) and being cramped up would trigger it off. So I'd carefully slide out of the bed and stretch out on the floor and fall asleep there for the rest of the night/early morning. She would never notice, at least I think She'd never notice. We'd normally wake up the next day and I'd move back in to bed next to her.
But what I remembered in this particuallar flashback was one morning I was waking up and found out that She'd moved from the bed to the floor to lay next to me. I remember feeling... Good. Happy. I don't even remember what we did, but I think we were just laying there after we woke up. She was in my arms and I just held her.
Then the flashback ended and I was back in my own room, sick as dog feeling like crap. But at least for a split second there I remembered how it felt like to feel goodhappy again. I admit that I might miss Her a tiny tinie bit. But I know I've missed what we had. Because dispite the problems we had, there was still something good about us. There was something good about Her.
And I just hope she's really happy right now. Goodhappy, not just happy happy.
Inspiration...
It's funny where people can find inspiration. Sounds, lyrics, words, pictures, movies, emotions... You can just about find it in anything and anyone and at anytime. For me I guess it's been stuck at home on a miserable bank holiday Monday with a chesty cough.
I've just sat through 3 movies (Astro Boy, Alice, and Book Of Eli) and all of a sudden I just had the urge to write. I have no idea what I want to write about but there's a quote I heard in a movie I saw a while back that went something like;
"No, no thinking. That comes later. You write your first draft with your heart, you re-write with your head. The first key to writing is to write, not to think." - Finding Forrester
So with that in mind heart, here I am just writing.
I feel like I've been living my life in the fast lane way too much lately. Her best friend caught on to something I said last Friday when I saw him. Someone made a comment about my alcoholism partying to which I replied that I didn't have a reason not to drink party and be out every weekend.
It's all caught up with me. I'm not usually prone to sickness, I have a pretty high immune system, but today it all caught up to me. Now I have this annoyingly chesty cough and every time I do cough my head goes *THUMP!* I can feel my nose getting blocked up, and my throat feels tickly.
Anyway, if I had a reason not to be out getting stupid I'd gladly take it. I want that reason to stay in instead of go out. I finally understand now. With Her the problem was I wanted to go out with my friends too often. What I wouldn't give now for a reason. Hell, I told people I was staying in today because I was sick to which someone actually replied "Omg. You wanna stay in. That's not like you." I don't want to be known as that guy.
I'm just looking for that reason inspiration.
=O
You know that feeling when you wake up the morning after a drunken night and remember you did something potentially embarrassing and ultimately stupid... Yup.
I just hope it never made it through. Or for a split second the Internet stopped being... -_-
Pastabake.
Been craving it lately. Think I'll go shop tomorrow and buy some for this bank holiday weekend. Last time I remember having it was with Her, I remember always looking forward to pastabake night. From making it together, to sitting in front of the laptop and watching something while we ate together.
Those were good times. Those are good memories.
Doing good, though we've both taken different paths, I'd just want Her to know that I'm doing fine alright. Situations still arise but I'm sorting through them as they come and I live my life with a saying in mind;
"Don't worry about tomorrow until tomorrow becomes today."
I'm trying not to think too much. Trying not to anticipate too much. Trying to remember my lessons. Trying to enjoy the ride. And I'm just here to let Her know that I'm doing good.
(Side note: I still <3 that Vans tee that I'm wearing)
Hi.
Idiot.
I wonder how awkward things would be if I actually bumped in to Her in the real world. And I don't just mean passing in the street. What if I physically bumped in to Her. Coming out a Starbucks or something. God, can you imagine.
I'd probably be like "Oh shit..."
when in my head it'd be more like "OH SHIT!"
My eyes would be like O_O
And my mouth would probably be like =O
Awkwaaaard...
I'd look like a real idiot standing there swearing at Her, eyes wide open, and with my jaw dropping to the floor.
Then as soon as I'd walk away a million different scenarios would play through my head on how differently it could have all happened. -_-
Such is life... Sometimes we can never be fully prepared for what it might throw at us.
Echo - Usher
Not the typical song I'd put up here. It doesn't greatly remind me of Her. I guess at the moment it's just a song I'm feeling. If I had to relate anything from this song it'd be the entire first verse.
It reminds me of how we started off, fully knowing that there would be people hating on our relationship. And I think we did a good job not listening to any echoes.
"I recognize that my past is bad but let's get past the past. Anybody that's hatin' can get to skatin'..."
More than anything though, I think I'm feeling this song right now because I think I finally have another reason to do so...
Harry (bloody) Potter...
Still reminds me of you.
In a good way, don't get me wrong.
Remembering.
"When you lose someone it stays with you, always reminding you how easy it is to get hurt."
The Vampire Diaries (The Night Of The Comet)
I've been remembering lately how easy it was to fall in love. How simple the thought of giving someone your heart is, especially if you wear it on your sleeve. People like that will always tend to get hurt because no matter what the situation they'll never be able to hold back.
Lately I've remembered how quickly a heart can break. How in a blink of an eye the walls you thought couldn't come down seem so easy to tumble over with a push of a finger. People forget how fragile love can be, because once in that state you've closed your eyes and forgotten about the ground.
Most importantly I've remembered the lesson I learnt. I remember how it felt to say goodbye and deep down inside I knew that I ended up being more of a quitter than a fighter. It's embarrassing but I'll say it. I'll say it because that's the lesson I learnt.
But I remember. And I'm hoping I won't make that same mistake again. Never say good-bye to someone or something you don't want to lose.
"If I don't write it down I forget it... Memories are too important."
- The Vampire Diaries (Pilot)
"I believe in you. To see you like this all depressed and down on yourself, it hurts. It's like the worst feeling in the world. Seeing you happy, that means everything to me."
90210 (Meet the Parent)
Happily Sad.
Part of me is happy, part of me is sad. I'm happily sad because even though I have no power over this situation, I know that somehow me feeling the way I feel means that I still have a heart. Without the sadness people wouldn't know how it feels to be happy. Happily Sad 9
Moving on...
You take the good and the bad from a situation. It's hard to choose sometimes because sometimes you just dont have a choice in the matter. Lately I went through a situation that I never thought I'd find myself in (again). Falling. And even though it was short lived, and it was kept under the radar I found out that no matter who I want to be I'll always be who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think too much. These are what gets me in to the same situation time after time. And should I take it badly? One thing I've learnt is that people can change who they want to be, they can change their enviroment, they can change their image, they can change their name, they can change their faith, they can change their friends, they can change their whole way of life, heck they can even change their sex. But they can never change who they are. My name is Nico, and I fall easily and I think too much. I've just got to wear shorter sleeves and pack a parachute. That's called; Adapting. I learnt that moving on...
Step one, Check.
Next comes the money bit... This may take a while.
Watch this space.
The first step to moving on is taking the first step forward, isn't it?
I've begun to wonder recently if the past couple of months of staying put has been nothing but my Own choice. I've met new people, and yet I'm the one that made the choice not to get too close or engage in anything serious or not.
I've begun to question if I'm the only person in my life holding myself back from any potential.
It's harder to do than it is to say. But sometimes something happens unexpectedly to give you a little nudge. Because let's face it, if there is one certain thing in life it's that things change. It's been about a year now and I think I've reached that point where I know I have to accept that things will never be the way they used to be. So it's funny how my unexpected "thing" came about just this weekend past.
I wasn't looking, haven't been looking, but I think I found something. It could be something special but I dont want to get any hopes up in case I ruin its potential like I did the last time I had something special in my life.
Wait, hold up. Before I get ahead of myself. I wasn't looking, but I did find something. I mean it's nothing special but if it has the potential to be than I don't want to ruin it by wearing my heart on my sleeve like I've done so in the past. (I think that sounded better put...)
Funny thing is when I was telling my best friend about my weekend and what I found, he dropped that he saw Her (my ex) the same night I was getting aquainted with someone new. And it's funny because when he told me about it, it was enough to knock me back a little and it made me speechless for a quick minute.
But now I'm thinking maybe it was a sign. No matter how close I wish to be with Her again, the closest we'll ever be from now on is almost bumping in to each other on a coincidental night out. And I can't wait for a night like that to happen anymore. So step forward and start moving on.
But note to self: don't move on too quickly, remember your lessons and take it as it comes. Stop anticipating and move with purpose.
